Jun 30, 2009

The Most One-Dimensional Players In Sports

jason kapono rookie cards The Most One Dimensional Players In Sports
















Jason Kapono rookie cards – The most inaccurate portrayals ever


Jason Kapono – Philadelphia 76ers – Shooter
Monikers: Kapono Dragon, J-Killa, Al Kapono

One of the NBA’s greatest 3 point shooters is not so great at anything else. He can’t play defense, dribbles like a yeti, and passes like a man who can only shoot three’s. Regardless, he’s managed to market his skills quite effectively, fetching a salary that will pay him about $6.4 million/year through the 2010/2011 season.

His one-dimension: 3-point shooting
2008/2009 Salary: $5,784,480
Three pointers made in 2008/2009 = 98

2008/2009 Value of a Jason Kapono 3-point shot = $59,025.31

Other 2008/2009 category averages:

Blocks per game = 0.0375 (fyi that’s one block every 26.5 games)
Steals per game = 0.275
Assists per game = 1.3
Rebounds per game = 2.0

Career Highlights:

– Won the NBA 3-point Shootout Contest in 2007 and 2008
– Led the NBA in three-point shooting percentage in 2006-07 and 2007-08
– Made the first block in Bobcats history (which is insane considering he had only 6 the entire year!)
– On November 25, 2007, Kapono became the most accurate three-point shooter in NBA history. On this date he made his 250th three-point shot, qualifying him for the NBA record in 3-point shooting accuracy

jason kapono and his wife The Most One Dimensional Players In Sports



















Fact: Ladies love the long ball

jim thome at bat The Most One Dimensional Players In Sports















Jim Thome – Chicago White Sox – Hitter
Monikers: The Thomenator, The Pride of Peoria, The Gentleman Masher

The man who single-handedly brought back the high socks can also hit balls into the stratosphere. Voted Cleveland’s most popular athlete in 2003, the legend of Jim Thome continues. Currently the designated hitter for the Chicago White Sox, his only job is to swing a bat. After fielding 0 total innings in 2008/2009 it is rumored he doesn’t even own a baseball glove. (please note this rumor was started by TwistedSifter)

His one-dimension: Hitting
2008/2009 Salary: $15,666,666
Hits in 2008/2009 = 123

2008/2009 Value of a Jim Thome Hit = $127,371.27

Other 2008/2009 category averages:

34 Home Runs, 90 RBI’s, 91 Walks
147 strikeouts and 1 stolen base
.245 Batting average, .362 On base percentage, .503 Slugging average
– Did not field 1 inning of baseball

Career Highlights:

– Hit a 511-foot shot at Cleveland’s Progressive Field (then known as Jacobs Field). It is the longest home run ever recorded at a Cleveland ballpark
– He is third in the all time list of strikeouts for a batter, and the #1 active player
– Only 12 major league players have more career walks than Thome.
– On September 16, 2007, on “Jim Thome Bobblehead Day” at U.S. Cellular Field, Thome hit his 500th career home run, becoming the 23rd player in baseball history to accomplish the feat. His 500th career home run was a walk-off winner; he is the only player to accomplish that feat

kit who only hit homers matt christopher The Most One Dimensional Players In Sports


















Jim Thome’s favourite book ever

riley cote deep thought The Most One Dimensional Players In Sports

















Riley Cote – Philadelphia Flyers – Enforcer
Monikers: Riley Coyote, Riles, Captain Insane-o

Riley Cote is the epitome of a hired goon. An enforcer paid to protect Philly’s prized assets. That means when opposing players take a shot at someone like little Danny Briere, Cote will be sure to pay you a visit the next time you’re on the ice. Or maybe the team is down at home and the fans are losing interest? Send in Riley to start a fight and energize fans and players alike. The job description is simple: always give 120% and make sure if the opposing team lays a finger on anyone with actual hockey skills, they understand there are consequences.

His one-dimension: Fighting
2008/2009 Salary: $525,000
Fights in 2008/2009 = 22

2008/2009 Value of a Riley Cote fight = $23,863.63

Other 2008/2009 Category Averages:

0 goals, 3 assists, and 24 shots on goal in 63 games played
174 penalty minutes
– the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody (sorry, that was Happy Gilmore not Riley Cote)

Career Highlights:

– Scored his first NHL goal on February 17, 2008 against rookie goaltender Carey Price of the Montreal Canadiens
– Cote was a walk on to the Toronto Maple Leafs training camp in fall 2002. He impressed the Leafs staff, signed a one-year contract, and was assigned to the Leafs Central Hockey League affiliate, the Memphis RiverKings (the Memphis who?)
– Co-Winner of the Pelle Lindbergh Memorial Trophy as the Flyer who has most improved from the previous season, as voted by his teammates

To see all of Riley Cote’s hockey fights, Click Here
Find Riley Cote on Twitter, Click Here
















Meet Riley’s wife Holly, ta-daow!

brian jennings long snapper The Most One Dimensional Players In Sports





















Brian Jennings – San Francisco 49ers – Long Snapper
Monikers: Bry, Jengs, The Long Snapper

It doesn’t get more one-dimensional than long-snapping. Who are they? They’re the center during punts, field goals, and extra point attempts. Their job is to snap the ball as quickly and accurately as possible. Unsung heroes that you only here about when things go wrong. Here’s to the long snapper, an integral but oft forgotten member of the team.

His one-dimension: Snapping
2008/2009 Salary: $731,440
Snaps in 2008/2009 = 133

2008/2009 Value of a Brian Jennings snap = $5,499.55

Other 2008/2009 Category Averages:

4 solo tackles

Career Highlights:

– He was drafted by the 49ers in the 7th round (230th overall) in the 2000 NFL Draft
– Made the 2004 Pro Bowl as a need player selected by Jim Mora
– Played college football at Arizona State where he played in 32 games as a tight end and long snapper
– Devoted yoga student


brian jennings brains The Most One Dimensional Players In Sports














So there you have it! Proof-positive that if you can do one niche thing really well, you too can get paid quite handsomely. Forget about the sexy positions like a quarterback, or the glamor of scoring highlight-reel goals and dunking on people’s faces. Teach yourself (or your kid) how to snap a ball and let him play football until he’s eighty while the washed-up QB goes for his 9th knee surgery.

You want more???

Kapono Dragon ties the NBA record with 24-points in the 3-point Competition


Jim Thome hits a walk-off home run, his 500th on Jim Thome Bobblehead night!


Riley Cote knocks Andre Roy the F!#$ Out


Unfortunately there were no clips available of Brian Jennings, so here’s Chris Chambers’s Fantasy File


– Special thanks to Shaft Biggins for the Brian Jennings information