It would be nice to believe that the world was a cool enough place that no one would ever toss and insult your way (or anyone’s way), but that’s just not reality.
So, it never hurts to have a good comeback or two tucked into your back pocket – and these 17 are just about perfect.
17. This makes me snort.
Context: John Oliver from HBO interviews Stephen Hawking (may he rest in peace)
JO: And there may be a universe where I am more intelligent than you?
SH: There may even be a universe where you are funny.
16. Kids are the best. And the worst.
My best friend: After an argument with some kid from our school in a shop we began walking away down the street…
Kid: “where you going pussy?”
Friend: “your moms house”
Kid: “my mom lives the other way idiot”
Friend: “Nah, i meant your real mom.”
15. What a cutie.
Overheard by me, the school bus driver, one fifth grade student was belittling a first grader. When it was time for a comeback, first grader shouts out, “Congratulations!”
The bewildered fifth grader had nothing to say and went to sit down with her friends in the back of the bus.
14. Oooh dang.
Air Traffic Control doing a poor job of vectoring an Airbus A330 in for landing.
Pilot: “You’ve left us too high, I don’t think we can make the approach.”
ATC: “You’ve got speedbrakes on that thing, don’t you?”
Pilot: (After a noticeable pause) “Yes, but those are for my mistakes, not yours.”
13. It follows that…
Joe Pyne interviewing Frank Zappa
Joe: “I guess your long hair makes you a woman.”
FZ: “I guess your wooden leg makes you a table.”
12. Sometimes they just come to you.
A friend in highschool on our way to a track meet. He was staring at a car in the parking that was really nice. When this dbag saw him.
Dbag: “why bothering looking at that when you know you’ll never be able to get one?”
My friend: “the same reason you watch p**n”
The entire bus erupted and it’s still one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.
11. Hahaha not what he meant.
Many, many years ago, when we were about 18, a friend of mine was arguing with another person we knew. This person was trying to be a bada** and intimidate my buddy. He says”my feet are registered”.
Without missing a beat my friend replies”Where? Health & Sanitation?”. Forty years later I still crack up at this when it comes to mind.
10. The ultimate insult.
A dude in my class called out a semi friend of mine, that people are talking behind his back. In fact, that wasn’t the case, as far as I know, and that guy said:
“Well you know what the say about you? Nothing, nobody f**king cares.“
9. Ooh that hurts.
A guy makes fun of his bald friend by rubbing his head and saying, “Wow, your head is as smooth as my wife’s bottom.” The friend also rubs his head and says, “Wow – you’re right.”
8. Mom insults are a classic.
So there was 2 girls fighting and one of them looks at my sister who was minding her own busyness and says: you go to hell too!
My sister:do you want me to say anything to your mom?
7. Moms can be savage.
I asked my mother why she always wears makeup despite being in her 40s.
She told me she wears makeup so she doesn’t look like me
6. Those sisters, man.
My sister started saying “go to hell” as a moody, often rude, teenager. She is a couple of years older than me. One day she said it to me after she’d been chastised by our dad – for something she had done.
I usually shrugged of her insults because they were meaningless. This day, however, I retorted “why would I go anywhere you are?”
I’m still pleased at my 13 year old brain for that one. I do remember her slamming her bedroom door as her comeback.
5. I would have cracked up.
Someone yelled out in a Walmart , “I’m not ashamed of who I am”. Another voice echoed back, “that’s your parents job”
4. An excellent choice.
It’s gotta be the Aliens locker room scene for me.
Hudson: “Hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?”
Vasquez: “No, have you?”
3. Only old women.
I used to work with this like 70 year old woman, she was our supervisor, and one day one of the ladies who worked with us told this old lady to “kiss my ass” and the old lady replied “where do I start, you’re so fat your crack goes all the way up your back”
2. Middle school is wild, man.
English class in Middle School
Kid A – “yo, Kid B, your mama waited on me at McDonalds last night. Must feel like s**t having a mom that works at McDonalds”
Kid B- ” at least MY mom gets out of bed to go to work”
English teacher far louder than he realized “DAYUM!”
The rest of us were laughing so hard, the teacher next door popped her head in to see what was going on…
1. It’s just confidence.
During WW1, Switzerland had a tiny standing army, but they were very skilled marksmen. Wilhelm II of Germany asked what 250k Swiss troops would do if he decided to invade with 500k German troops.
The Swiss said, “Shoot twice and go home.”
Y’all, some of these have me deceased.
If only I could be so clever off the cuff.
