There’s nothing easy about caring for a child with special needs. It takes a financial, emotional, physical, and mental toll that people who haven’t experienced may not be able to understand.
OP says that, before having children, he and his wife decided what exactly they could and could not handle, and knew they would not be willing or able to raise a child with severe special needs.
Before i M40 got married to my wife 33 we talked about every in advance. It was silly stuff at first. How we squeezed toothpaste, which direction the toilet paper roll should face, that sort of thing.
But as our relationship progressed we talked about more serious stuff. How we would discipline our children, living wills, and what we would do if we knew we were having a child with severe special needs.
We decided together that we didn’t want to do that to a human. To bring them into the world to suffer. We were lucky enough that it wasn’t ever something we had to deal with.
They were lucky to not have to make hard choices (that his family didn’t approve of), but his sister was not. Her daughter is significantly disabled and her husband has left because of it, contributing only financially.
I had told my sister this because she is my best friend. She went running to our parents saying that we were terrible people who would terminate a pregnancy that wasn’t going to give us a perfect child. I never said that. We had to spend days explaining that we knew what we could handle and what we could deal with. My parents weren’t happy.
Well, unfortunately, my sister 36 did not have this talk with her husband. When she was pregnant with their second child the doctor told them that the child would have many health issues. They prayed about it and went forward with the pregnancy.
My niece is nine now. And my sister now has an ex-husband. My ex-BIL pays child support and spousal support. And he spends a lot of time with my nephew, my sister’s other child.
His sister is struggling under the weight of the bills and lost income. Their parents help, as does OP, but his sister needs more support.
The medical expenses drained all their savings. And he could not handle knowing that caring for his daughter was going to be something he had to do for the rest of her life.
We just had Thanksgiving and my sister is having a tough time. My niece is in diapers and will be for the rest of her life. My sister can’t work because she would need special child care. No day care would do. Prescriptions are hundreds if not thousands every month.
My parents are helping her but my dad has had to postpone his retirement to be able to give her money.
My wife and I help with about $500 a month. It’s not much but it still puts a hole in our budget.
She wants to move in with him and his wife so that her sister- (and mother-)in-law can help her care for her daughter for the foreseeable future.
My sister wants to move in with me so my wife, who works from home, and my MIL who lives with us to help with our children, can help her with my niece. We don’t have room for three more people. Or the budget to make out house accessible.
So I told her that we are not responsible for her life choices.
OP said no. His family is making him feel like a monster even though he already gives her money and he’s said he thinks their parents should leave their assets to his sister alone when they go.
My parents are saying that I need to step up and help. Or that they will give everything to my sister when they pass away
I told them that this was a great idea. My family doesn’t want or need their money and that they should set up a trust for her now.
I guess that wasn’t the answer they wanted because everyone in the family is calling me an asshole for not taking care of my sister and niece.
So I guess I’m asking if I’m the a$$hole for not wanting to be in a situation I intentionally avoided.
Is he, though? Do his obligations extend beyond what he’s done? Let’s hear what Reddit has to say about it!
The top commenter thinks OP’s sister’s expectations are just way too high.
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And this person says OP is already going above and beyond.
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They say he’s showing his love and support and getting slapped in the face for it.
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People with experience say the sister should be reaching out to programs designed to help her.
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This comment says that the BIL is really the biggest jerk of them all.
Image Credit: Reddit
The sister is experiencing the consequences of her choices.
Just because they’re more than she imagined/can handle doesn’t mean they suddenly belong to someone else.
