Family dynamics can be tricky to navigate in the best of times. When stress piles up it can be tough to remain calm, and to remember to handle the loved ones in your life with care.
OP is the mother of three children and the wife of one man who is currently deep in his grief over losing his mother. He’s getting therapy, but in the meantime his home and work life are both suffering.
My husband’s (40M) mom passed away late last year. It was very hard on him and his father. The holidays were rough. My husband is still struggling and I’ve been doing my best to be kind, supportive, and understanding.
But he’s been less attentive with our 3 kids (14F, 12M, & 9M) and I’m pretty sure he’s struggling at work too but he won’t admit it. He started therapy about a month ago and is going once a week.
Now, he wants to ask his aging father, who he says is struggling with his own grief in the home he shared with his late wife, to move in.
A couple weeks ago he brought up to me that he wants to move his dad (75M) into our house. He said that his dad is struggling too and that being in the house he shared with his wife the past 50-years isn’t doing him any good. He had an entire plan laid out so it was obvious to me that he’s been planning this for a while without talking to me about it.
He wants to move his dad into the room that we had just moved our middle child into last summer. Before that, our 2 youngest were sharing a room so we did some renovations to make an extra bedroom so all our kids could have their own space.
He wants to force our 2 youngest to share a room again so his dad can move in. He also wants to talk to his dad about putting their house on the market or possibly renting it out, which means FIL would be here long-term.
The move will necessitate two of their children once again sharing a room, and OP gets honest about whether or not she feels as if she can handle all of the feelings in a small space.
After he laid out his plan, he asked me what I thought and I told him my immediate reaction is “no.” I told him that barely any time has passed since his mom’s death and it’s too soon to make such drastic changes in everyone’s lives.
I told him his dad will get better with time and we all just need to take a step back and not rush into any decisions.
I’ll admit, there are reasons I didn’t tell him. Seeing my husband deal with his grief has been hard, especially since it’s effecting his ability to be present with me and the kids. I really don’t want a second grieving man in our house. I also really don’t want to kick our middle child out of the room that we just made specifically for them.
That isn’t fair to them. But I know if I tell my husband this, he’s going to think I’m being selfish, and maybe I am.
She suggested moving him into a retirement home or to a smaller condo nearby, but her husband shot down both ideas.
He was not happy with my response and kept asking for specific reasons other than “not enough time has passed.” I suggested that we look into different housing options for his dad if he’s uncomfortable in his home, which I get.
His dad has enough money saved to afford a good retirement home or smaller condo, which would allow everyone to still have their own space. He didn’t like that idea either because it would mean his dad is still living alone.
FIL currently lives about 3 hours away so visiting him is difficult. We also live in a pretty rural area and the nearest town with respectable retirement homes is over an hour away, so even that option isn’t ideally close, but it’s still closer. I know it sounds selfish, but I just don’t think I could handle 2 grieving men in my home. I can barely handle one right now.
Is she being selfish?
She really wants to know, and you know Reddit is here to weight in!
The top commenter is totally sticking up for OP.
Image Credit: Reddit
This person says having him move in would be totally unfair to OP.
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This commenter wonders just how much work she would be agreeing to, all told.
Image Credit: Reddit
They say the husband probably isn’t thinking clearly.
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This person says they definitely need to think things through.
Image Credit: Reddit
I feel sorry for the husband, but it sounds like it’s time for him to get it together, or at least be able to pretend to enough to function.
Yikes.
