Sadly, the internet has made it clear that quite a few people are dealing with fallout (to varying degrees) of childhood trauma. In fact, as parents, I think we have to accept that, no matter how hard we try, our kids will not emerge unscathed.
If you’re dealing with your own stuff and are looking to be seen, check out 16 ways people say everyone can tell what’s lurking in your past.
16. Ask yourself.
Discovered I have difficulty identifying when I’m stressed or upset before the huge emotional outbursts happen.
I’ve always had the mindset that if I want something, only I can give it to myself because no one else will be listening if I ask for it.
15. Walking on eggshells.
Noticing every little behavioral change or any change in the pitch of somebody’s voice.
I also feel a constant sense of walking on eggshells around everybody
14. Making the connection.
Something very sad will happen in my life and like 2 days later I’ll be super depressed and feeling it like I need to cry, and have absolutely no idea why.
One of my childhood best friends died recently. I hadn’t seen him in like 10 years, but he was important to me growing up. Any way, he dies and then like 2 days later I feel awful and sad and just want to lay around and I tell my wife ” I don’t know why I feel so sad, what is my problem??” And she says “your friend died, remember?” And I’m like “Jesus, you re right.”
I literally couldn’t make the connection without someone telling me why I was feeling what I was feeling.
13. Necessary for survival.
Being all things to everyone, chameleon syndrome, because adapting to sudden mood changes and being “liked” was necessary for survival.
Noticing too much is overstimulating, but when the little hamster in someone’s brain starts tweaking out I know it immediately and veer left.
12. Apologizing all the time.
Apologizing at every little thing when they didn’t even do anything wrong, becoming distant or suddenly quiet and retreating around certain topics or when someone raises their voice, overall having a long history from a young age of low self esteem or self worth, and not wanting to do specific and super minor things, or inversely, not wanting to forget about small minor things that aren’t that big of a deal for fear of getting yelled at. Just a few that can be very obvious signs to me since I myself have a few of these same issues.
11. Anticipation.
Not being able to have boundaries.
Not being able to accept help.
Anticipating why people are mad at you even when they haven’t communicated they’re mad.
10. Justifying everything.
Similarly justifying everything you do to make sure the other person doesn’t get mad.
My wife has gotten better but still does this when she buys anything that we didn’t talk about beforehand. Comes home from target where she went for groceries but also has a new shirt, she’ll show me and I go “Ok great!” and then she proceeds to continue justifying her purchase in 5 different ways until I stop her to make sure she understands that it is 100% fine and she does not need to justify it to me.
9. Such a fun hobby!
I sometimes become convinced that someone is mad at me even if I haven’t spoken to them or all of our interactions have been benign.
I like to sit and pick apart every interaction and conversation to try and figure out where I could have gone wrong. Such a fun hobby!
8. Hard as an adult.
I freak out when a male raises their voice. And apparently apologize way too much, ppl say. And just general anxiety.
This makes me feel so guilty as an adult. My boss is an ex police chief and honestly is quiet sensitive and is very much a office dad. He has that voice though, loud and in charge? I felt like shit because if he suddenly said hi or popped in id flinch / jump 100% of the time. I said it was because I just get into my work and startle easy but i knew he noticed and started knocking before saying hi
7. Daddy issues.
Being afraid to speak up about your interests out of fear of the other person judging and making fun of said interest as they dont like the same thing
My dad did this to me since i was 3. And he now wonders why i dont tell him anything.
6. No feelings, please.
Also, never expressing any emotion ever because as a child they got screamed at/ shut down for it right away.. resulting in them not being able to feel or express emotions in a healthy way later in life.
5. No one to lean on.
Hyper independency. You have to become everything for yourself when you dont have someone to lean on.
All the times I thought I was learning to be independent I was actually just learning to live without something I needed
4. Hyper vigilance.
Hyper vigilance.
“The elevated state of constantly assessing potential threats around you is often the result of a trauma. People who have been in combat, have survived abuse, or have post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can exhibit hyper vigilance”.
3. Just in case.
I carry a backpack with a ridiculous amount of ‘just in case’ items, and my trunk of my car is filled with even more. Most of them are hardly ever needed, but you never know.
ETA: I’m sorry for all of you who are just now connecting the dots that you do this for the same reason. I hope you all are doing okay.
2. Good enough.
My therapist finally understood where I was coming from with this. I was terrified of being physically hurt by my professor because my work wasn’t good enough.
And she asked me “But what if your work IS good enough? What if you could accept that your work is good enough?” and I immediately replied “It doesn’t matter what I think of my own work. His opinion is what determines whether I’m going to be in danger.”
And I saw it click in her mind where my problems come from.
1. Things don’t matter.
Not being able to tell how you feel or what you want because you learned that these things don’t matter.
Before I went no-contact, I remember one time when my mom was once again telling me what a great mother she was, and she said, “We might not have had much, but you girls wanted for nothing.” In a rare moment of assertiveness, I said, “What? We did without so many important things.” Her entire rationale was that I didn’t ask for anything. Well, by the age of 7, I had learned that the answer was always no, so I stopped asking.
Then you grow up, and people are like, “you have to ask for what you want in relationships!” For years, I was like, “there is no possible way that works”. Turns out it works just fine when the person you’re asking considers you to also be a person.
I feel personally attacked by this post. Ha!
Hopefully you don’t, though!
