The internet talks a lot about red flags to look out for in relationships, but they seem to spend less time helping us out with the things we should be looking for instead.
So, here are some GREEN flags that you should hope you see in a new or potential partner’s bedroom.
It’s ok to laugh.
being able to laugh during s*x if something funny happens, then getting back to it
My husband once went to smack my ass during s*x but instead hit himself right in the balls. We were both cry-laughing after he recovered from the initial shock.
Sometimes things are just off.
Understanding that it’s not personal or not a good time when it doesn’t end with an orgasm.
Or when it takes longer to get there ‘than usual’
A very specific anecdote.
Years ago, in my mdma/psychedelic days, I was at a molly party at my brother’s apartment. I had just met this girl(my brothers girlfriends friend) and started making out then went off and f**ked within 45 minutes of meeting each other.
Fast forward towards the end of the “night”, us 2 were in the living room going to sleep and started fooling around, well anyway after we had been going at it for awhile, I had her bent over the couch and someone walks in from the balcony and she got startled while I was mid thrust and she smacked her face against the wall. We both started cracking up for like 5 minutes, then got back into it.
Turns out one of my brothers buddies had been out there for almost an hour. He said something like “I was just about to come inside but then I started hearing some banging, so I stayed outside waiting for y’all to get done, but I got cold and had to come inside”.
He was wearing a charmander onesie which made it even funnier in the moment
When they’re a safe space.
Me and my husband started with the kissing, taking clothes off getting right into it.
Then halfway through we looked at each other and I said I’m too knackered he was about to say same thing and we both laughed as it was like a ‘jinx’ situation.
No idea what happened to our energy that day but spent rest of day in bed watching TV on the laptop instead. It was a weirdly even more intimate thing to do to admit being tired and just resting, if that makes sense.
Know when to give up.
Let one rip accidentally one time… was mid thrust and as I kept pumping more came out (as I thrust). We both just started laughing as I collapsed on her. The s*x was over but we had a good laugh over it.
It’s not you, it’s me.
Is mature about using lube.
I’ve had guys get offended and accuse me of not being wet enough lol, sorry for not wanting to tear myself a new vagina!
Just talk about it.
It’s pretty jarring for women to go from the intimacy of s*x to being treated like an unwelcome house guest in 30 seconds flat.
I’m a major post-coital cuddler, my wife is… very not. It took a few go-rounds before I could absorb that “that was great please get the f**k away from me” meant she was in sensation overload and not pissed off at me, haha.
Don’t be afraid to learn.
I think education goes a long way here. I was 26 before I learned that women my age might have lubrication issues that aren’t related to just not being turned on enough, and took it personally at first.
Prior to that I thought it was just something that happened as you got older, like weaker erections (which, ironically, I knew could affect people my age).
Like a grown up.
They communicate what they want and ask how they can give you what you want.
In a friend group I was in, I was talking to a girl and telling her how my best s*xual relationships have been women who actually communicated and told me what they wanted.
Her response: “No – f**k that. If you can’t figure out what you’re doing I’m not wasting my time and moving on.”
Me: “…it’s a mystery how you’re still single”
A tightrope to navigate.
HERE’S AN IMPORTANT DISTINCTION
Yes, this is actually fairly normal. Both guys and gals enjoy seeing their partner enjoy themselves and get off on providing them pleasure. They take pride in bringing their partner to orgasmHOWEVER, the problem comes in when their reasons for doing so are self serving. There are entirely too many people, men and women, who are focused on bringing their partner pleasure not because they genuinely want that person they’re with to feel good but to stroke their own ego.
Guys who get frustrated when their partner isn’t wet or shivering with pleasure, women who get anxious and insecure when their partner isn’t hard and hungry for them. It doesn’t make them bad people, and it’s not the same or nearly as bad as seeing the other person as a living masturbatory aid. But the negative feelings they feel aren’t out of being upset for their partner but shame in themselves.
They don’t communicate or pay attention to the other person’s body language to best meet their needs and make sure everyone is enjoying the experience for feeling connected and what it is. They are trying to control and predicate the experience on an outcome to tell themselves “I am a great partner” or feel like a sex goddess/god. And it’s not a black or white thing, it’s a gradient.
Some people do slide it too far and treat their partner like a toy/game that isn’t doing what it’s suppose to (orgasming) to make them feel rewarded and competent. Entirely self serving. Others aren’t as far in and are just too focused on making their partner feel good in specific ways to be present with them, and end up taking the experience not going the way they wanted overly personally when it just may not have been what works for their partner.
It’s a tightrope to navigate, because by itself there is nothing wrong with wanting to bring your partner to orgasm/give them pleasure. But when it is treated like an objective/mission rather than something you just do because in the moment you enjoy doing that for them…it can bring in feelings that aren’t helpful to fostering intimacy and an enjoyable s*xy experience.
Be ready to talk.
I hate the
“What can I do for you?”
“Ummm I don’t know…”
Conversation.
Because I’m not a mind reader
I want to show you a good time, but i’m not gonna be able to if I’m left to just guess and hope I don’t do something that turns you off. But also because…
When I communicate my wants, I feel selfish, which makes me feel like a bad lover.
Happy and comfortable.
Making sure you are comfortable with what is going on
Laughing when something stupid or silly happens during the act. Shows you are both happy and comfortable.
Two things at once.
Masturbating while they go down on you.
These people go to heaven and deserve everything good in life.
Keep checking in.
The first time my girlfriend and I had s*x as we were leading up to it I kept asking if I could do xyz before I did it.
She later said the fact that I paused each step of the way to make sure she was okay with proceeding made her feel like she really picked the right guy.
In sync.
&When we both came and immediately thereafter held me so tight until my breathing regulated and he kissed me on the forehead.
It was the first time with no s*x discussion beforehand.nbsp;
Building anticipation.
The cheeky touches throughout the day that build up for the night.
Emily Nagowsky calls this “S*xual Currency” and learning about it when you’re in a long term relationship can be so so helpful
Some of these seem pretty pie in the sky.
Apparently they’re out there, though!