Listen I don’t think anyone wants to get to the point in their relationship where they’re checking photographic or video evidence to win a fight.
That said, sometimes that’s the place we find ourselves in – and OP learned the hard way that not everyone appreciates being checked up on.
She and her husband were having dinner and had a slight disagreement about sharing garlic bread.
This will sound ridiculous, but just stick it out.
Recently, my spouse, daughter (5), and I were having dinner together. He took some food off her plate to try a bite and she responded by shaking her finger and saying “You need to ask!” He said “I’m sorry, you’re right, I should ask,” and then a few minutes later, reached over to my place setting and took some of my food without asking.
I didn’t think it was a great example for our daughter considering it happened moments earlier so I said “You didn’t ask. You just did the same thing to [daughter].” He said, “I assumed you were done eating.” and I said “You assumed. But just ask me.” so he handed it back to me, said “Can I have some of your garlic bread?” and I shared. Very calm, normal exchange.
When she brought the incident up in therapy, and then later, the two of them argued further. OP felt as if she was being gaslit, as her husband’s story kept changing to the point she wondered if she was misremembering what happened.
Because this was a non-issue and I was not upset at the situation, we tried to use it in marriage counseling as an example of how to communicate in certain situations, mainly, when I say something hurt me and my spouse wants to explain how he experienced the event instead of apologizing.
It became an issue when he only wanted to give HIS side of the food story in counseling. Later that day, I asked him calmly again, if he would like to share his side to see if it changes my perspective. I said “I can’t argue with your experience since we both agree on what happened” – and to my surprise he indicated we did not agree. He told me he took the garlic bread from my place because he “got it for both of us.”
I knew this was nonsense as I order from this restaurant frequently and know how much garlic bread comes with the dish. I got insanely angry, because we argue constantly about how things happen, so I stormed off. Later, he came to me and said “I’m sorry, I thought the garlic bread was mine and I was wrong.”
So by this point, I’d been told that he got garlic bread for us both, and then that he thought the bread was his. I felt crazy as I usually do when these conversations happen with him, so I thought to check the nanny cam to see what really happened.
OP decided to check the nanny cam, which confirmed how she remembered the events going down. She sent the video to her husband.
He handed me my food saying “and there’s garlic bread on top for you” and then later, when I called him out for taking it from my place, he didn’t say “This bread is mine?” or “I got this to share,” he said “Okay. Can I have some of your garlic bread?”
I took these clips from our nanny cam and sent them to him, asking why he would lie about something so small and turn it into a massive thing.
He blew up at her about checking up on him and now she’s unsure whether or not she crossed a line.
He immediately got mad and said “I can’t believe you would do something as ridiculous as checking the camera. You’re so out of line.” and stormed off.
So reddit, am I the a$$hole/out of line for using our nanny cam to call my spouse out for lying?
Reddit is here to clear the forest so she can see the trees!
The top comment points out the obvious, which is that the argument isn’t actually about garlic bread.
Image Credit: Reddit
There were plenty of stories in the comments about similar moments of clarity.
Image Credit: Reddit
This person wanted to remind OP that you can’t do couples therapy all by yourself.
Image Credit: Reddit
And there was also some very good advice.
Image Credit: Reddit
They say the more outrageous the argument, the bigger the red flag.
Image Credit: Reddit
This whole story hurt my heart, honestly.
I hope they’re able to split amicably and co-parent their little girl.
