5yo; “Mommy, I think when I grow up, I might change my name to a grownup name because my name is a little kid’s name. Maybe I’ll use my middle name. My name is such a baby name! I want a grown up name when I’m a grown up.”

Reader, his name is HARVEY.

— Stephanie Insley Hershinow (@S_Insley_H) May 3, 2023

many years ago, I had a meeting with my God son's teacher, she was worried about his speech development bc according to her " he NEVER speaks", I asked him – " Gabo, what's going on?" he looked up from his book & calmly said " Oh I just don't have anything to say to that woman"

— ر ت ت ت (@raniawrites) February 19, 2023

12yo: I’ve been thinking about something. So, Wario and Waluigi are the opposite of Mario and Luigi in every way. Therefore since Mario and Luigi’s jobs are to unclog toilets, Wario and Waluigi’s jobs must be to clog toilets

— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) April 23, 2023

So glad I helped 3 kids make 75 valentines for everyone’s trash cans.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) February 14, 2023

6yo: Momma, close your eyes! I have a surprise!

Me: OK, but I don't want a naked butt in my face when I open them.

6yo: Nevermind.

— MommyingHard (@MommyingHard) May 24, 2023

Moms on Facebook be like, “I am so proud of my son. He worked hard and graduated with honors” and it’s just a picture of their child graduating 3 year old preschool.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 21, 2023

when ur trying to leave the supermarket but mom ran into a friend pic.twitter.com/rpWp4Na2eb

— Abby Barr (@1AbbyRoad) March 2, 2023

I let my 17yo have a small(ish) party while I was out of town. His friends are a good group and wasn’t worried about any crazy behavior. We talked about how it went. And I said “next time..” he cut me off-“I don’t think there will be a next time. It took me like 3 hours to clean”

— Dawn Kasal Finley(she/her) 🖤 (@kasal_finley) March 22, 2023

I heard a strange sound on the baby monitor so I went to check

the dog is on the chair looking guilty and the baby has dog hair in his mouth

— madeline odent (@oldenoughtosay) April 24, 2023

Sorry kids I missed your childhood I was trying to figure out which app to use to seek validation from strangers

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) July 6, 2023

At a school art fair and spent a while marveling at the depth of this 6th grader’s piece titled “feel the feeling” before I realized the painting had just slipped out of the cardboard frame and was on the floor below it pic.twitter.com/rbH00tNojK

— maura quint (@behindyourback) April 1, 2023

Today the 8 year old told me she deliberately spelled a word wrong in the last round of the school spelling bee because “if you lose you get a piece of candy, but if you win you just get a boring medal”

— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) June 14, 2023

We reminded our kindergartner he’ll be at a different school next year, and he said “How will I get there? On the bus?” We said we weren’t sure yet. He nodded knowingly. “Probably by dump truck.”

— K.E. Flann (@kathyflann) March 11, 2023

most often it's cute when kids have alternative names for things. however my 8 yo calling taco bell's cinnabon delights "creamy balls" confirms that we are out of the cute-renaming-of-things stage.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 12, 2023

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

— who cares (@DianaG2772) March 8, 2023

The baby's favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, "the babies." We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

— Trey (@treydayway) July 10, 2023

me: It’s important to tell your parents everything.

my 8yo: when mommy woke up this morning she looked 100 years old.

me: whatever you do don’t tell her that.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) July 5, 2023

This little boy got in my car with the kids and I assumed it was one of their friends. I asked his name and introduced myself. He gets out of the car and my kids say “I don’t know that boy. I guess he just wanted a ride”. 💀💀💀

— Princess (@themultiplemom) June 14, 2023

drama in the school whatsapp chat! the PTA invited us all to a coronation party and one of the dads (who's a professor of colonial history) said eat my dick

— Emma Szewczak (@EmmaSzewczak) May 3, 2023

At the airport I told a woman her toddler son was cute and she looked at me with profound exhaustion and offered me full custody.

— Moira Donegan (@MoiraDonegan) May 8, 2023

When my 2yo doesn’t want to talk anymore, she ends the conversation with “happy birthday” and walks away waving bye.

— Princess (@themultiplemom) May 8, 2023

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That's called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

— RandomSprint (@RandomSprint) June 24, 2023

Took my 11 y/o out to spend some of her babysitting money and she sighed, “I thought ice cream would taste different with my own money. It tastes the same.” Welcome to the working world, kid.

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) July 7, 2023