Relationships are tough, and with more and more people dealing with mental health issues, it can often add a whole layer that not everyone is capable of dealing with.
OP’s wife had a breakdown in her 20s and has been out of work “dealing with it” through therapy for five years. During that time he’s been working 12-18 hour days in order to pay all of their bills and keep up with the debt they accumulated beforehand.
My wife has been out of work since 2018, she had a mental break down during her fifth year of teaching. She has been going to therapy since, and we started marriage counseling during Covid. Reason for marriage counseling was because she thought I was pushing her too hard to go back to work before her and her therapist thought she was ready.
I tried to explain many times that was not my intent but realistically speaking for me to keep up with expenses, and retirement contributions I pretty much have to take on extra shifts which sometimes clock in over 18 hours a day, and on average I have been pulling 84 hour weeks. I have been doing this since she stopped working.
He’s broached the subject with her before only to be told that her therapist doesn’t think she’s ready to go back to work.
We recently had a fight cause I had an extremely rough week and had the conversation again about her going back to work. She opened up with the same line she always does “We do not feel it is the right time yet, she feels I have made great progress and if I rush it I run the risk of losing it.”
The we being her and therapist. I told her I really do not give a f**k what her therapist has to say, and I am sick of you hiding behind her words whenever this topic comes up.
Now, OP is reaching the end of his rope and has brought it up again, only to cause a huge argument. She (and her therapist) claim that his problems are small compared to hers and he’s not taking her mental health seriously, etc etc.
She started to cry, telling me she doesn’t like being this way either and I am belittling her due to suffering from mental health issues. I replied saying I do not indeed to belittle you or not take your issues seriously problem is I am running myself ragged, and what happens if I have a mental break? Do you think I will have the luxury of not working? No, I will have to push through my demons.
She said her therapist warned her this would happen sooner or later I would try to manipulate her into doing something she was not ready to do. This is when I really lost it and just let it all out. I did not say anything kind. I told her she insults me for thinking what I am doing is manipulation.
Yes, I have been to a couple of sessions with my wife and her therapist. Tbh it largely felt I was getting ganged up on. My wife brought up how I was always tired, so I explained I am working harder to maintain our home.
When I suggested part time work would allow me to work less, their counter suggestion was to cut things like saving for retirement, and hold off on paying off debt, and tackle such things after my wife gets better.
Then I suggest renting out the house to cover the mortgage and we downsize to an apartment. Her therapist said such a drastic change to her environment could have a negative impact on her depression, and advises against such major life changing events.
OP admits that he lost his cool, insulting her cooking and cleaning, but in the end, he thinks it needed to be said. That part of the discussion generally ends up being turned back around on him, too, somehow.
He has met with her therapist and they have gone together, and OP feels generally ganged up on in these sessions.
I told her I am working these extra shifts so she can be home and bulls**t playing games.
I told during this entire time you have not even made an effort to improve on certain skills, I told her she can still not cook to save her life, and that was sick of coming home after 12 or 18 hour days just make us dinner cause her idea of making dinner is pretty a pre-made in the oven or ordering out.
Among other things, that said she stormed out the house crying yelling and shouting how I am a piece of s**t, and rather see myself comfortable verse her getting better.
So here I am, I do not feel at the core I am wrong, and while what I said was harsh I think it did have to be said.
During another session she brought up how my suggestion she tries cooking to save is money so we do not order so much. She felt insulted because in terms of money coming in I am making slightly more than our combined income, and she was able to cover her expenses so she does not understand why we are having such a hard time.
I was honest, it has less to do with money per-se and more so the fact the amount of hours I have to work to maintain the income. I told her I pretty much am working two full time jobs.
The cooking or doing things around the house was dropped fairly quickly and became a critic on how i cannot manage money since I am making more, yet I never had issues when she was working with how she spent.
More or less every session became what I could do to help my wife, and I get it her therapist has to look out for my wife and generally my concerns are small compared to my wife’s.
My wife is not a huge fan of our marriage counselor because she offers suggestions that go against her therapist.
Does Reddit think OP went too far? Should he keep on keeping on?
Let’s hear what they have to say!
The top comment says OP can’t force her to do anything, so he needs to figure out what he’s willing to put up with.
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Several commenters thought the therapist was largely to blame.
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They say any therapist worth their salt would realize OP’s objections were logical.
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This person agrees that something needs to change, and now.
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People’s professional advice is to stop doing everything he’s doing first, then go from there.
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Y’all, this poor man.
I really hope he can find a way to prioritize himself very soon.