If there’s one thing every parent knows, it’s that telling your kids you’re disappointed in them is the quickest way to get them to feel guilty and possibly change their ways.
OP has two daughters and says he loves them both very much. While the youngest is still set up to have a successful and happy life, his eldest made some decisions when she was young that have led her down a different path.
I have two daughters (23f) (20f). They are both so beautiful and smart and I really love them both. I always wanted them to be strong and independent women who could stand on their own feet and I tried to raise them that way.
They were both interested in volleyball, I always supported their interest. My younger is still playing in a team and also studying at a good university. She is really hardworking and even if she does not succeed in playing professional volleyball, she will definitely have a good job.
My older daughter quit both sports and school when she got pregnant at the age of 18.
She got pregnant, married, and chose to eschew education to be a stay-at-home mom. He urged her to take steps to avoid all of this, which has led to lasting tension between them.
When she first told us that she was pregnant, I was very upset and advised her to have a pregnancy termination because having a child at such a young age would disrupt her life. She did not want to do that and my wife supported her decision.
When I saw that she remained determined, I dropped the issue and supported her fully, even though I didn’t want to.
She got married quickly with the baby’s father. Then she decided to stay at home and take care of her child and her husband started to work. I never wanted my daughter to be financially dependent on her husband, but I never voiced it either.
But of course, my daughter know that I’m bothered by this.
At a recent dinner he was pressed to say whether or not he loved his grandchild, despite not wanting him to exist in the first place, and he answered honestly.
Yesterday we were having dinner with my daughters and my wife. My wife and daughter started talking about being a mother. My wife told her that even though I wanted her to not have the child, I love my grandson very much now.
My daughter asked me if that was so, and I said, “Of course I love him.”
I really love my grandson, but my daughter knew that I was bothered by her situation, so it didn’t sound sincere at all.
My daughter said I could give an honest answer. I told her that I really love my grandson but that I was disappointed that she had become a mother at an early age, had left school and her job and was now dependent on a man.
She didn’t argue with me but the rest of the night was a bit tense.
Perhaps a bit too honestly, according to his wife and other child.
At the end of the night she went home and my wife started a fight over what I said. I told her that she was the one who wanted an honest answer, but my wife is sure that I’m an AH. My younger one agrees with me but says I was rude to say it out loud.
I’m not sorry that my daughter doesn’t live the life I want, I’m sorry that she lives dependent on another person, and I can’t say that their marriage is going very well.
They chose the sport they wanted to be interested in, the university they wanted to go or their hobbies etc. I didn’t force anything on them. All I want is for them to be self-sufficient.
I also told my daughter that I would pay for a babysitter if she wanted to go back to school or get a job.
Yes, she is only 23 years old and could still have a career, but she’s not doing that.
This one might be a little tricky for Reddit – let’s hear them out!
The top comment suggests it’s time for OP to start being supportive of his daughter’s actual life and not lamenting the one he thought she would have.
This person says it’s more than possible for his daughter to still be happy and fulfilled.
After all, there are no guarantees.
They urge OP to continue to be a safe space, not a judgemental one.
The world needs good parents.
This is such a tough pill to swallow as a parent.
But if we truly love our kids, we need to choke it down every single time.