Surviving a serious illness can change a person’s life, but what happens when those closest to them seem to forget it ever happened?

When a cancer survivor’s lifelong best friend dismisses her experience as “not a big deal,” the cracks in their friendship begin to show.

Read on for the full story.

AITA for telling my best friend that she was completely invalidating me?

My (35f) best friend (35f) and I have been friends since 7th grade.

They’ve seen each other through some tough stuff.

When I was 24 I was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma (SCC) of the tongue, a type of oral cancer, despite having no risk factors.

It was HPV negative and not due to smoking or drinking.

Given that it usually is seen in men, aged 55+ with those risk factors, they have no clue how I got it.

She weathered lots of scary surgeries and procedures over the years.

I had surgery and they removed a piece of my tongue, 25+ lymph nodes from my neck and a salivary gland.

Margins were clear thankfully (knock on wood) and I have been followed closely ever since, needing contrast MRIs every 6 months for the first 5 years, and annually since.

While she survived, she doesn’t fully feel ready to move on from it – but the people closest to her definitely have.

The issue that I’m having is that, while my cancer was a big deal, with 5 year survival rates hovering around 65% then (slightly higher now especially for localized stage 1) many of my family and friends, including her, seem to have completely forgotten that it happened.

I don’t expect massive praise or sympathy, but I would at least like to think that people remember how big of a deal it was at the time.

One day, her best friend really poured salt on her wound.

So, about a week ago, my best friend tells me that she is putting together a “warrior party” for her sister and her mother in-law.

She can’t help but compare the survival rates of her best friend’s family’s cancers versus her own.

Her sister had a benign brain cyst about 7 years ago. It was scary, but it was not cancerous and the doctors were able to drain it. The likelihood of it reoccurring is very low.

Her mother in law also had stage 1 breast cancer about 2 years ago and while it’s also scary and a big deal, the survival rate for her type and stage is upwards of 99%.

While she wasn’t necessarily against the idea, the way her best friend positioned it was just plain hurtful.

I thought it was a great idea, but when she started talking to me about her reasoning for throwing the party she said to me, “Most people just have no idea how hard it is to go through stuff like that”, to which I replied, “I know, I get it”.

She then proceeded to tell me that I have no idea what it’s like unless I’ve been there.

Is she really being serious?

I was taken aback and asked her if she had completely forgotten the fact that I had oral cancer. Also another type – skin cancer, bcc (basal cell), 4 years later.

She seemed angry and said, “Well, yours weren’t a big deal” and I felt completely offended.

She strongly begs to differ.

Because, while I hate playing the tit-for-tat game and agree with her about my skin cancer, my tongue cancer WAS a big deal and the odds of survival from it were worse than the people for whom she’s throwing this party.

I told her it upsets me that she forgot what I went through and that she doesn’t seem to understand that I can relate to her family members, both of whom I know well.

But her best friend doesn’t seem to care that it’s hurtful.

She said I am being an AH for even bringing it up because it’s not about me, and that I’m being selfish trying to make it about myself when I’m not.

I feel like her accusation is unfair and I was just trying to point out I can relate because I’ve also been there.

So, AITA?

These lifelong BFFs are wondering if they really “get” each other as well as they thought.

What did Reddit think?

Feeling dismissed is hard enough, but feeling dismissed by one of the people you’re closest to is even more painful.

This commenter wishes the best friend would have included her in the party instead of just dismissing her struggles.

This commenter thinks a real friend would come around eventually.

According to this commenter, the best friend has shown her true colors and it’s time to move on.

It wasn’t the cancer that left the deepest scar—it was the best friend who acted like it didn’t exist.

Some wounds cut too deep to be forgotten.

If you liked that story, check out this post about an oblivious CEO who tells a web developer to “act his wage”… and it results in 30% of the workforce being laid off.