When you are in a serious relationship with someone, it is important to respect each other and work together toward shared goals.

What would you do if you remained friends with an ex-boyfriend that your current partner didn’t like, and now that your ex is having a mental health crisis, it is causing some major problems?

That is what is happening to the girlfriend in this story, and she feels like she is failing both her current boyfriend and her ex and she doesn’t know what to do.

AITA for helping my ex-partner at the expense of my current relationship?

I (34F) have been with my current partner, we’ll call him ‘Tom’ (37M) for about 8 years. We recently bought a house together and are planning our future. Things have generally been very good between us.

That sounds like a very rewarding experience.

I’m originally from the area, but left to complete a few years of AmeriCorps after graduating before returning. When I first moved back, I brought my friend, we will call him ‘Alex’ (37M), who is originally from a war-torn country (currently still at war).

We were roommates, though we did briefly date for about 6 months almost a decade ago, but it was more like a platonic companionship than a romantic relationship. That ended ages ago, and we’ve just been close friends since. Once I moved in with my current partner, Alex lived independently and has done so for years.

Mental  health issues can be terrible.

Recently, Alex suffered a severe mental health crisis. He was involuntarily hospitalized, lost his job, and has been diagnosed with psychosis (possibly schizophrenia, say the doctors). He’s disoriented, struggles with memory, and clearly needs support. I’ve been trying to help where I can, like helping him fill out job paperwork or apply for assistance because he has no one else here, and I’m afraid he’ll end up homeless.

Watching my friend lose his mind has been one of the most difficult and emotionally traumatic things I’ve ever gone through. I spend a lot of time crying. It breaks my heart to see him struggle. He wears dirty clothes, goes without food, and has been chain-smoking like a chimney (whereas he used to just smoke a couple a day).

While this is out of line, he isn’t necessarily wrong to not want her hanging out with an ex boyfriend (especially one he has never liked, even before this crisis).

Tom is absolutely LIVID about the whole situation. He’s never liked Alex, and now he openly hates him. He’s said hurtful things like “Are we supposed to wipe his *** forever?” and has called him cruel names, including outdated slurs, like feebleminded or weak willed. I can’t help but feel that he’s leveraging this situation as an opportunity to make me choose between them…which feels pretty bad, to be honest.

He accuses me of choosing Alex over him and says he feels like I’m not hearing his concerns. I understand he feels sidelined, and I’ve tried to reassure him, but I also don’t want to abandon someone who’s vulnerable and alone.

What types of things does he find concerning? And keeping things separate does sound like hiding things.

To try to find a middle ground, I suggested we go to couples counseling. Tom refused, he doesn’t really seem to believe in therapy. And while he demands transparency about my friendship with Alex, he blows up every time I bring up something concerning. But if I try to keep things separate, he accuses me of hiding things. Either way, it feels like I’m letting everyone down, both Tom and Alex, and even myself to a degree…

So, am I wrong for continuing to help my friend even though it’s damaging my relationship?

AITA?

It sounds like this couple has had issues concerning Alex since long before his mental health crisis, and this is just bringing them to the forefront. These two need to get on the same page in all essential areas of life, or go their separate ways.

Read on to see what the people in the comments think about this difficult situation.

This is an important question.

It is clear Tom isn’t handling this is a healthy way.

This commenter says to break up with her boyfriend.

She said she was only seeing the guy once a month or less.

I agree, she needs to put her current relationship first.

It sounds like there were problems here before the mental health crisis hit.

If you liked that story, check out this post about a group of employees who got together and why working from home was a good financial decision.