When a mother passes away while the children are young, it can be very difficult for everyone involved.

What would you do if your father remarried a few years later, and he and your stepmom wanted you to have a close relationship with stepmom, but you never felt it?

That is what the daughter in this story experienced, so she bonded more with her maternal aunt and grandma, which hurt the feelings of her stepmom.

AITA for never letting my stepmom do the maternal/girly stuff for me?

My mom died 10 years ago. I (18f) was 7 and my brother was 9.

It isn’t always easy for a child to see someone new as a maternal figure.

Dad met our stepmom when I was 9 and they got married when I was 10. My dad and stepmom explained it to us that she was going to be another maternal figure in our lives, she’d be there for us for stuff we needed from a mom and to please feel like we could go to her with anything.

Only I never did feel comfortable with her filling the role. Instead I chose to go to my maternal grandma or twin aunt aka mom’s twin sister. They live super close to us and I was already close with them. Plus they were mom’s family too.

Hopefully stepmom will understand.

So, it felt like I was connecting with her still and with my aunt it was like looking at my mom. I know it hurt my stepmom’s feelings that I went to them when I first started my period and whenever I wanted to try different period products or had questions about my body.

But going to her never felt right. It felt more natural to go to people who were connected to me through mom. And I know she would have wanted me to go to her family.

It is good that her mom talked to her about this before she passed.

She even told me before she died that I could always trust them if I needed someone and that I might need them for stuff when I got a little older and she wanted me to know it would be okay and they could do it.

My dad and stepmom never held the same expectations for my brother to turn to our stepmom. I was told that he was a boy so it was different but a girl needed a womanly presence for some things.

It is understandable that stepmom and dad would want her involved with her little siblings.

When my dad and stepmom were expecting my half brother my stepmom was disappointed I didn’t want to be involved in her pregnancy.

I was invited to a scan to see if he was a boy or a girl and I was invited to go baby shopping but I wasn’t interested at all in that stuff and I had a hard time during her pregnancy with the fact dad was having a kid with someone other than mom.

There is nothing wrong with those feelings.

I didn’t hate them for that but it was just hard, and sad, and I cried in private over it for a while.

Nothing changed with me and the girly/maternal stuff. My aunt joined me and my friends for prom dress shopping and my stepmom was so disappointed she didn’t get to instead. I couldn’t invite both because she feels awkward and more upset around my aunt and grandma because I’m so much closer to them.

It is also understandable that stepmom is hurt by this.

She gets sad that I don’t have that with her too. Boy stuff and other things I went to grandma or my aunt for too. Including birth control.

After graduation I spent some time at my aunts house before I decided to spend time with my grandparents. Dad asked if we could meet for lunch the other week and he said it won’t be long before I move for college and I was like yeah.

He is right, but you can’t force it.

He told me he wanted to talk about my stepmom and the relationship we had. He said he understood my loyalty to mom made me feel uncomfortable going to my stepmom for stuff like boys, periods, dress shopping and stuff of that nature. But he told me I could have all three and it would mean a lot to my stepmom if I could let her in more.

He said she tries and she loves me and my brother. But she feels like a failure because I never felt comfortable going to her with any of that stuff.

The daughter could make some more effort, but dad and stepmom can’t push their way in.

And he brought up how one day if I get married and go dress shopping she’d be even more uncomfortable with my grandma and aunt there if she never gets to do that stuff with me. He said the bond between us makes her both happy and sad because she feels like we can never have that or something close.

He asked me if that was true. I told him it was from my end. That we get along fine now and I couldn’t see myself ever wanting more from the relationship.

This is a difficult situation for everyone involved, but at least they all seem to love each other.

He said he understood but he was disappointed and not letting her do any of it was really hurting her feelings so I should just think about it. We ended it on another note. But I went back to what he said because I wonder if he might be disappointed in me for not going to her and not seeing a chance for us to develop a closer more maternal bond.

AITA?

You can’t force a close relationship, but it is good that this young lady has lots of people around her who love her, and she should be happy about that.

Take a look at the comments below to see what other people had to say about this difficult situation.

Yes, she should have worked through her discomfort.

I agree with this commenter.

I’m not sure they were shocked about it.

Yup, you can’t force a close relationship.

Stepmom shouldn’t try to be the only maternal figure.

Being a stepparent is a very difficult job sometimes.

If you enjoyed that story, read this one about a mom who was forced to bring her three kids with her to apply for government benefits, but ended up getting the job of her dreams.