This man has spent more than four years showing up for his boyfriend’s family…holidays, gatherings, and long drives included.

Meanwhile, his boyfriend has made the effort to see his extended family exactly once.
When his boyfriend decided this year’s Christmas trip was “too far,” the disappointment hit harder than expected.

So when New Year’s plans rolled around, he chose not to go, and suddenly the issue was front and center.

AITA for declining my boyfriend’s family’s New Year’s gathering after he decided not to attend my family’s Christmas?

I (35M) have been with my boyfriend “John” (31M) for a little over four years, and we live together in the Midwest.

Most of my extended family lives about a 6-hour drive away, while John’s entire family lives about a 3-hour drive away.

Over the course of our relationship, we’ve gone to his family’s many times for holidays and family events. In contrast, John has only been to my extended family’s once in 4+ years.

Doesn’t seem fair.

This year, John told me he won’t be coming to my family’s Christmas because the trip is too far.

I understand it’s a longer drive, but I was still hurt and disappointed given how infrequently he’s made the effort to see my family.

Because of that, I’ve decided not to attend his family’s New Year’s gathering.

Boom.

This isn’t meant as punishment or retaliation. At this point, attending his family’s holidays has started to feel emotionally uncomfortable for me.

We’re not married, all of his siblings are straight and married, and his youngest sibling recently got married after a much shorter relationship.

Despite living together and being together for years, I often feel like we’re viewed as a long-term “in-between” rather than a committed couple.

Not a fun feeling.

Without a clearer sense of commitment and with the ongoing imbalance around family involvement, I don’t feel great continuing to show up to family gatherings and pretending everything feels fine when it doesn’t.

John feels I’m being unfair and making a bigger issue out of this than necessary.

From my perspective, I’m setting a boundary around situations that currently leave me feeling hurt and insecure, not trying to keep score or force an outcome.

So, AITA?

With no marriage, no clear next step, and a lingering sense of being treated as an “in-between” partner, showing up and smiling feels dishonest.

Now he’s asking Reddit whether declining the invitation makes him petty…or whether it’s a reasonable boundary after years of imbalance. And everyone’s pretty much on his side.

This person says the love just isn’t equal here, and that’s not fair.

This person has some valid questions.

And this person thinks the relationship is just not relationship-ing. 

At some point, always showing up for someone else’s family starts to feel like standing alone in your own.

If you liked that story, read this one about grandparents who set up a college fund for their grandkid because his parents won’t, but then his parents want to use the money to cover sibling’s medical expenses.