When you’re an adult, the concept of a birthday can be quite polarising.

Some people truly enjoy celebrating the next year of their life coming around, and gather all their loved ones around them to make the most of the occasion.

For others though, the anniversary of their birth feels like any other day, with any celebrations being quite muted in nature.

So when the woman in this story, who has always found birthdays quite troubling, was preparing to celebrate her birthday with her best friends, she even started to look forward to it.

But what happened next truly cemented her notion of birthdays being disappointing days.

Read on to find out how her friends let her down.

AITA for refusing plans with friends after they bailed on my birthday?

I am a 23-year-old woman, and I recently decided to distance myself, possibly for good, from two of my closest friends, Ally (24, female) and AJ (22, male).

AJ has been my best friend since we were three, while Ally and I became close at thirteen. We grew up together, shared milestones, and supported each other through everything. I believed they were two of the most important people in my life.

Birthdays have always been incredibly hard for me. I grew up with abusive parents who ruined every celebration.

One year I went through a breakup on my birthday; last year my childhood dog died that day. Because of that, birthdays are emotionally overwhelming and remind me of trauma and loss. AJ and Ally know all of this.

Let’s see how the trio tried to make this year different.

When I was 21, I moved alone to another country, supported myself through grad school, and built a life I’m proud of. Even so, I still struggle to feel joy on days that are “supposed” to be happy.

Earlier this year, both of them moved to the same country for grad school, and for the first time in years I felt like I’d finally have my closest friends nearby.

My birthday is this month, and a few months ago, they both promised to visit and celebrate with me. I told them they didn’t need to, but they insisted and talked about it for months.

They also coaxed me to take PTO for a day so we get five days together, (my birthday falls on the Thanksgiving weekend) so I did.

But then, things started to change.

Then in October, Ally texted that flights were too expensive (about $150) and not worth it for only five days. I told her I understood, even though it hurt.

AJ agreed it was disappointing and reassured me he’d still come. For context, he lives in the same state as me.

But today, AJ told me his cousin invited him to spend fall break with him in another state. He said he might go there instead, but would come see me the day after my birthday.

I told him not to.

Read on to find out why she refused this consolation trip.

It felt like he wanted to ease his guilt, not actually be there for me. I said I didn’t want a pity visit, but he keeps insisting and is now upset that I keep saying no.

Ally also keeps hinting at wanting me to fly down instead (because she’s lonely and her boyfriend is flying out of town) so we could still celebrate together.

What makes it worse is how much I’ve done for both of them.

When AJ moved here, I took time off work to spend his birthday with him and drove two hours to pick him up from the airport. For Ally, I sent her a gift before she moved and made sure she had support.

And now she’s feeling severely neglected and misunderstood.

They know how painful birthdays are for me. They promised to come, made me hopeful, then backed out.

I understand people have their own lives, but I also know what it feels like to be someone’s last option. That’s exactly how this feels.

It’s not just about the birthday. It’s about being promised care, letting myself hope, and then being treated like an afterthought. I feel hurt in a way that’s hard to describe.

Am I wrong for refusing any alternate plans and staying upset over this?

AITA?

One thing is clear: these friendships are important to this woman, understandably given her trauma.

And her friends promised to be there for her, and encouraged her to book time off for their visit, before they both bailed on her.

They might be the most important people in her life, but it seems that she might not be the most important person in theirs.

Let’s see how the Reddit community reacted to this.

This person empathised with her situation.

While others encouraged her to make her own birthday all about her.

And this Redditor, who’d faced similar situations, urged her to take her time to consider the friendships.

It seems really unfair that, yet again, this woman is set to have a sad birthday – but the truth is, she can make the best of the situation and start some new traditions that have her own happiness and enjoyment firmly at heart.

But she needs to talk to her friends, who have both really let her down. If they are sorry, they’ll show it and avoid making a pattern of this disappointing behavior.

And if they don’t?

Well in that case, the message will be quite clear.

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a daughter who invited herself to her parents’ 40th anniversary vacation for all the wrong reasons.