Families can be a weird thing, with dynamics often completely absurd and illegible to those who aren’t a part of them. Certain things, including traditions and behaviours, can be very important to one family whilst being very strange to another – even within the same culture, the same neighbourhood, and the same generation. Because just as individuals are different, all families are different too, and that’s something worth celebrating, since it leads to the world being a wonderful, diverse place.

But what happens when you marry into a family that is completely different to your own? Do you seek to assimilate, or determine to hold onto your own differences, maybe even making your own, separate traditions with your kids, or trying to follow an amalgamation of both families’ dynamics? It’s an awkward thing to negotiate, but if done properly it can be seamless, especially over time.

Doing so, however, required conversation, negotiation and, ultimately, compromise. Because you can’t be in two places at once, you can’t observe two very different cultural practices, and you can’t simply ignore conflicts and hope that drama never arises. The woman in this story has tried to just hope that things will work themselves out in the end, but as her wedding approaches it is becoming abundantly clear that this is not going to be the case.

Read on to find out why.

AITA for not wanting my fiancé’s family to move in our new home?

My fiancé (34, male) and I (29, female) are purchasing a home.

His mother moved here from Africa two years ago.

She works full time and is in great health, and she is now sponsoring five of his siblings to come to America.

The catch is she lives with him, and done has ever since she came to the US.

And his fiancée isn’t necessarily okay with this going forward.

I know in some cultures parents living with you is normal, but I asked him that and he said it is not normal for a mother to live with her son – maybe the daughter, but she is not to live with the son.

However, he wants her to move in with us to the new home, and to allow the other siblings to come as well to live in our newly purchased home.

Let me add that we have four kids of our own to take care of.

She is really a nice woman granted, but she serves him and does everything for him, including cooking.

Let’s see why she has a problem with this.

I feel that this is a conflict of interest, only because I cannot truly be his fiancée or wife if his mother is doing all of my duties.

He will eat her cooking before he eats mine, due to it being more authentic.

She has no motivation to get her own place for his siblings. She enjoys living off of him rent free.

I tried to tell him it’s getting to the point where they are using him because he pays all the bills. She is bringing more siblings here and sadly to say doesn’t even have her own place.

But he didn’t really like hearing this.

I spoke with him about not allowing them to move in, and he felt like I was trying to put them out or I disliked them.

But I am picking up the slack of his parenting due to him trying to take care of them. I won’t be able to have adult time comfortably with him with his mother in the next room, or walk around my home comfortably seeing as someone will always be in our home. A lot of people at that.

I don’t want to start off my marriage living with his mother and five siblings (three adults and two children)

I don’t want to seem rude or hateful, I just want to enjoy my home and family without six extra people we are responsible for taking care of. Am I wrong for not wanting his mother and siblings to move in with us?

AITA?

Before she marries this guy, she needs to know where she stands: are her wants and needs important to her husband-to-be, or will he always be first and foremost responsive to his mother?

It’s one thing her living with him now, but with five siblings also coming over to the US, it’s time that she gets her own place.

And if the fiancé values his relationship, he will hear his wife-to-be out, and actually listen and respond to her concerns, since she needs to know that he is on her side.

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Let’s see what folk on Reddit made of this.

This person agreed that the success of their upcoming marriage hinged on this.

While others thought that it was very much the fiancée’s way versus the mother’s way, and the guy would have to make a choice.

Meanwhile, this Redditor encouraged her to put herself and her own family first.

If it was culturally normal for the parents and other siblings to live with the eldest son, than this would be something that the woman needed to decide whether or not she wanted to be a part of. But since her fiancé has confirmed that usually something like this would never happen shows that rather than this being a cultural thing, it’s actually a boundaries thing.

Absolutely the fact that his family are emigrating to the country he lives in is significant, and it’s not unusual for relatives to stay with their loved ones after emigrating, while they establish a life for themselves in the new country. But that’s not what this guy’s mother is doing. Instead, she’s cementing her place in the centre of this family’s home, and expecting to have her bills paid while she works and takes on household duties.

It would be a fair exchange, if it had actually been agreed with all the adults in the household. But it has not been agreed with the eldest son’s future wife, who understandably wants to cook for her own family, wants time to be a family, and wants time alone with her husband instead of being forced to spend time with this ever-growing family.

More than that, though, she needs the reassurance that her husband to be will be first and foremost there for his wife and kids. If he’s not prepared to do that, then he needs to make himself a choice – or eventually, the choice will be made for him, since she needs to put her family first.

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