There comes a point when helping someone starts turning into enabling them.

In this story, a young man has spent years watching his autistic brother avoid responsibilities while the rest of the family makes excuses for the behavior. No matter what’s going on from school to his personal life, someone always seems ready to step in and smooth things over for him.

Meanwhile, the brother’s temper has also become a growing problem. He frequently argues with people over minor details and reacts angrily when anyone challenges him. Whenever those situations blow up, the family often blames everyone around him instead.

But the biggest issue right now involves college. The young man drives his brother to school every day because driving overwhelms him, but the arrangement is taking a toll on him.

So, now he’s wondering if it’s finally time to step back and let his brother deal with the consequences himself.

Keep reading to learn the rest of the story.

WIBTA autistic brother enabled his whole life, do I let him face his own consequences?

My brother (19) has autism and is quick to anger. He gets angry if someone uses the ‘wrong’ word in a sentence and will correct them. A family member said “couch” and he got angry because it’s a “sofa.”

I (21) can understand, being autistic myself, even if it’s not something I do.

He says he knows what’s going inside mine and other people’s heads better than we do, and has a quick “no you’re wrong, its…” reflex when anyone says anything, even if it’s objectively true. If he said something and you repeat for confirmation, he will still say you are wrong.

He’s starting to question reality.

I try to empathize with him and ask questions to understand him better. It works but gets exhausting, especially when he invalidates and tells me he knows my brain better than I do. I’m not sure why he’s so quick to react in these ways.

If confronted, he will get extremely angry and yell.

My dad insists that everybody just instigates my brother and tells us to “leave him alone” and “why are you always causing fights?” I keep getting blamed and it’s making me question reality.

This behavior was left unchecked since he was a kid. He learned saying he’s “too tired” or “overwhelmed” is the perfect way to get out of things, because it always worked.

At this point, he questions if anyone else cares.

If sincere, I’d have no issue. I understand overstimulation and autistic shutdowns. But it’s clear he uses it as an excuse to get out of conversations, responsibilities, or consequences.

It feels like I am the only one who cares about him and his future, and I drive him to college daily because driving overwhelms him. I have mentioned therapy since it’s free at his school, but he never gets around to it.

I’m his sibling, not parent, but no one else can drive him, and if I stop, he will likely fail and flunk out of college. He has said that himself. He already misses class because he stays up until 4am since he enjoys quiet. He makes lots of noise on his VR headset, keeping me up when I have to drive him the next morning if he decides to go.

I’ve brought this up to my family, but everyone says “what can we do? He’s an adult.” which I understand.

Now, he’s considering focusing on himself instead.

I’m losing sleep, and my dad allows my brother to get out of responsibility (his actions, school, around the house). I’m scared for his future, since I know my parents will be “hands off” and he might be doomed without anyone’s help.

My brother says, “it’s not my fault, I can’t control my emotions when I get angry.” When he gets mad, I am blamed. My dad tells me if I don’t like it, I can live somewhere else. I don’t have money and he knows that. I can’t drive my brother and work at the same time. I’ve tried.

I care about my family and clearly this is NOT good for me or him. We are all adults. I am at a loss, and my mental health is on decline.

My question is, would it be wrong if I stopped driving my 19-year-old autistic brother, focused on getting a job and my own life instead, and potentially let him flunk out of college and face the consequences?

AITA?

Wowzers. It sure sounds like his family put a lot on him.

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a tenant who decided to stop returning his neighbor’s misplaced laundry after two years.

Let’s check out how the readers over at Reddit feel about his situation.

This person’s family has members with autism.

According to this comment, the parents need to deal with it.

These are great questions.

For this reader, autism is not an excuse.

The real problem here is that everyone around him seems to have decided it’s easier to work around the behavior than address it.

The brother is 19 now, and sooner or later he’s going to have to learn that other people cannot carry all of his responsibilities for him.

That doesn’t mean cutting him off completely.

But it also doesn’t mean putting your own life on hold while everyone else shrugs and says there’s nothing they can do. If he won’t take responsibility for his choices, those are things he needs to start dealing with himself.

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a high school student whose manager insists on scheduling them during school hours.