When you attend a family gathering or other event, the courteous thing to do is bring a dish to pass.

What would you do if your brother always showed up empty-handed, but when it was time to go, he would be the first one to grab the leftovers to bring home?

That is how the brother in this story behaved, so finally, this guy confronted him about it, and now the brother is really upset and hurt. It ended up causing a lot of family drama during the next get-together as well.

I think he had to say something eventually, and his brother is likely just embarrassed and lashing out. Hopefully, they can all get over this and move on. Read through the full story below and see if you think the situation was handled properly.

AITAH for asking my brother & his wife to be more considerate and provide more even though they have an 8 month old baby?

I addressed a behavior of my brother and his wife that bothered me. Unfortunately, the whole thing got bigger than I thought and I can’t help but feel bad and question myself.

Unwanted family conflict can be hard to manage. Let’s see what happened.

So here is what happened:

For a long time, I felt a disbalance in the relationship between my brother & his wife and the rest of the family.

We often eat together or have tea time together. It is always me and the rest of the family who invites for these events, prepares everything, cooks the food, bakes the cakes, cleans up afterwards.

Their behavior is just rude.

Everyone always brings something with them – just not my brother and his wife. On top of that, they also always take 99% of the leftovers with them.

The other day my mom made a vegan cake for me (I mean everyone can eat from it, it is just that I am vegan and thus can not eat any other cake). My brother and his wife took the whole cake leaving one tiny piece for me.

Wow, this type of behavior is very entitled.

There was also strawberry cake which they took as well. On christmas they said they couldnt make it and asked us to come and drive to their house on the next day to bringt them a “big portion” of the food..

Now, on my birthday we had a bbq, everyone was supposed to bring their own stuff to put on the grill. They told me they wouldn’t make it and asked us to grill some of our stuff for them.

He doesn’t want to make a big deal out of this issue.

It actually isn‘t a big problem – most of the time there are leftovers anyway. But somehow that was my limit. The way they always expect that everything is provided for them, everything is done for them, they come, eat, take the leftovers and leave.

They do not consider whether anyone else might want to have some of the food or whether they could add something, help preparing something, help cleaning up. And even when asked for help to prepare something in the groupchat, it seems like they do never even feel addressed.

If he isn’t ready to discuss this issue, he shouldn’t have brought it up yet.

I texted him about my feelings and thoughts (And did so kindly!) I told him that I‘d still be happy to have them for my birthday celebration but that, as I have been looking forward to this (actually the first time in a long time I’ve been looking forward to celebrate this day), I’d like to discuss the whole topic on another day.

I only had to tell them that I felt angry because I didn’t want to have to act like everything is fine when it isn’t.

Honestly, I don’t disagree with the brother on this.

He didn’t reply to my message but came anyway, and of course started a discussion saying “I am sorry but I have to say something about this“ even though I specifically asked him not to do it on my birtbday.

He started crying, saying the family conspired against him (because I mentioned that other family members think the same) and said that we should’ve just said something in the moment.

Thinking about things before confronting people is a good idea.

While I agree with the last point, I am a person that likes to reflect on such things and also likes to consider opinions of others before deciding whether it is really worth it to adress an issue.

I always want to make sure that I have the right to criticize, which is why I rarely do it immediately. Also for example concerning the vegan cake, I didn’t even see what was left until they had already left.

Kids keep you busy, but not too busy to bring something to a get-together.

He then of course also mentioned having an 8 month old baby and that they are so strained. Here I‘d love to hear the opinion from parents because I feel like as a childless person this argument is a sledgehammer.

I can not argue against it, since I don’t have a baby. How would I know? But then again, how hard can it be to make a quick salad? Or to get some bread on the way? Or to simply just OFFER to help?

His brother really isn’t being fair.

This is not even about them really having to provide anything if they really can’t, but at least showing some sort of effort, interest and consideration towards us would be nice.

It really isn’t about counting what everyone does or provides, I just think in every relationship there should be a balance between giving and taking. And appreciation of you if are always the one that receives.

They shouldn’t have to tell him what common courtesy dictates.

My brother told us that he wants us to speak up if we want them to do something for us or if we‘d like to have more leftovers.

But to me that feels like having to tell your husband what he needs to do in the household. You have your own eyes and brain, why do I still need to carry all the responsibility and tell you what to do? Its not my job alone.

I agree with this completely.

If someone constantly provides for me, it is only natural (at least to me) that I give something back or at least offer it – WITHOUT having to be asked. I just want him to show some initiative.

And isn’t it basic decency to at least think about other people when grabbing all of the leftovers? Do I really need to ask for a piece of cake from a cake that was made for me?

Stupid things are often the catalyst for family drama.

Well, this topic is actually really insignificant. You probably think the same reading this: My God, what an irrelevant thing to fight about. That‘s why I really didn’t think that speaking up about it would make my brother cry and would put such a strain on our relationship.

I thought he would be like: “You are right, we actually didn’t notice our behaviour. We are sorry, we will be more considerate in the future, but it would also be nice if you could just speak up immediately when you notice something that bothers you.”

I just hope that this family can forgive and forget (but not completely forget).

(Because I also told him that probably they didn’t do this on purpose and that it is only fair to point it out to them, so that they can change… because it would be even more unfair to just shut up about it and be mad in secret.)

Well, instead there was this whole dramatic scene that basically ruined my whole birthday.. 😅

He shouldn’t feel bad for bringing this up. It was the right thing to do.

And yet I am the one that feels bad and wonders whether I should apologize. What do you guys think?

AITAH?

The only thing he may have done wrong was bringing it up immediately before his party. He could have tried to talk it through before an event, just to minimize drama.

Read on to see if the people in the comments have anything to say about this unfortunate situation.

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a middle schooler who was totally frazzled after being left to babysit alone for 3-plus hours, and swears she’s never doing it again.

This commenter says not to invite them until they host an event.

If you don’t attend an event, you don’t get the food.

There is no way to know if this is true.

It seems that they are just making excuses.

Their behavior has nothing to do with having a child.

What an awkward conversation, but it needed to be had. The timing wasn’t perfect, and his brother’s reaction was over the top. Despite all of that, however, there is a good chance that things will improve going forward.

Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better, and I think that this is one of those times.

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a man whose friends say he’s privileged for wanting to eat at nicer restaurants.