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Relationships don’t all grow at the same pace. Some family members naturally become a big part of your life because you spend time together and put effort into staying connected.
Unfortunately, others never really develop that same bond.
That’s the situation this woman found herself in as she compared her close relationship with her sister’s children to the much more distant relationship she has with her brother-in-law’s family.
Now her in-laws seem to expect the same level of involvement, even though the foundation for that relationship was never really built.
As a result, she’s starting to wonder whether she’s being unfair or simply responding to the relationships that actually exist.
Check out her full story below.
AITAH for prioritizing my sisters kids over my brother in laws?
I’ve always been much closer to my sister and her kids.
She had children first, she consistently made an effort with me and my husband, and she’s always invited us over or made time to see us whenever we visit my parents.
Because of that, it felt natural to be excited about her kids, to babysit, to be involved, and to accept being their godparents. I tend to invite her kids over for sleepovers with us and plan shared activities for their birthday gifts.
The relationship with her BIL and his wife is much different.
On the other hand, my husband’s brother and his wife have never really tried to build a relationship with us. They don’t invite us over (other than one time for our engagement but it felt very forced by my MIL), they don’t reach out, and the only time we see them is at the family cottage which is more about shared space than actual effort.
They’re much closer with her brother and his wife. Even though we are always the ones helping them move or get their boat in etc.
Now that they have a child, I’m polite, supportive, and I ask about the baby when we’re around, but we just aren’t close. My in‑laws have noticed that I spend more time with my sister’s kids, and they’ve made comments about wanting me around more.
She’s happy being friendly, but that’s it.
I’ve already stepped back from the family a bit because it’s emotionally draining everything is always about how hard things are for my BIL and SIL, and my MIL has overstepped boundaries before with my husband and I. A monthly visit is honestly what I can handle.
They also keep hinting about how their child will want to do activities with us when he’s older, but it feels unfair to expect me to plan experiences and outings when they’ve never put in the effort to build a relationship in the first place.
I’m happy to be kind and cordial with their child, but the natural bond just isn’t there the way it is with my sister’s family. I am also happy to gift them experiences for their birthdays but don’t feel like “I need” to attend and they can just go with my in laws or as a family.
AITA?
Yikes! It really sounds like her in-laws have pushed her out.
Let’s see what thoughts the folks over at Reddit have about this situation.
For this reader, you get what you put into it.
This person thinks that feeling is pretty normal.
It does sound like that.
Here’s an excellent question.
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Relationships usually reflect the effort people put into them.
That’s why it’s hard to blame this woman for feeling closer to her sister’s children. Her sister made time for her and built that connection over many years.
On the other hand, her brother-in-law and his wife never seemed interested in having that kind of relationship. Now that they have a child, they can’t expect the same bond to magically appear overnight.
Going forward, she should continue being kind and welcoming. However, she shouldn’t feel obligated to plan outings and special activities for people who never put in the effort to build a relationship with her in the first place.