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There are plenty of family disagreements where compromise makes sense. What time should everyone arrive? Who’s bringing dessert? Which toddler gets the good high chair? Whether the person with the contagious child or the woman who is eight months into a high-risk pregnancy should attend the family party feels considerably less complicated.
And yet, somehow, that’s exactly the debate one family found itself having.
One pregnant woman was looking forward to her younger brother’s birthday party, especially because her older brother and his two young children rarely make it to family gatherings. Then, on the morning of the celebration, the family learned that one of those children had a fever.
That seems like the kind of unfortunate development that cancels your plans for you. Instead, her older brother was apparently so devastated about missing the gathering that their mother actually started driving 45 minutes to pick up his family anyway.
Suddenly, the pregnant woman was put in the extremely awkward position of having to decide whether she should miss the party to accommodate a sick child—or be the person who finally said what nobody else wanted to say.
AITAH for telling my brother and SIL not to come to a family gathering?
I (31F) am 8 months pregnant with a high-risk pregnancy. I could go into labor any day now. I have a younger brother (YB, 27) and an older brother (OB, 33). OB is married with a 2-year-old and a 7-month-old.
We rarely see OB’s family for a few reasons: They live 45 mins away, OB doesn’t drive, and public transit with toddlers is hard. His wife has CPTSD from childhood trauma, is deeply suspicious of us and keeps her distance. She is also a doctor and fiercely protective of her kids.
We all try our best to respect her boundries.
Seems respectful.
OB is an undiagnosed autistic. He’s brilliant but has the emotional maturity of a toddler. He cannot handle any criticism and gets easily offended. We grew up very close and I spent my life acting as his emotional regulator. Now he only calls me when he needs emotional support or cuts contact for weeks.
The Situation: YB planned his 27th birthday party at our parents’ house. We were thrilled because OB’s kids have almost never been there. However, the morning of the party, OB called our mom saying his son had a fever. Mom initially told him to stay home to protect me and our older parents.
An hour later, OB called back crying and begging for a ride anyway, claiming it was “just a small fever.” Feeling guilty, my mom actually drove all the way to get them before calling to ask my opinion. I told her it was a terrible idea.
No kidding.
It left me with three options: complicate my high-risk pregnancy even more, skip the party and isolate from my newly-contagious family (dangerous if I go into early labor), or make everyone upset by telling them to stay home.
My mom didn’t want to be the bad guy, so I called OB to express my discomfort. His wife intercepted the phone and said that, as a doctor and a mom, she understood—but since I was the one at risk, I should stay home and miss the party.
She passive-aggressively asked, “So do you prefer we don’t come?” I said yes, and she hung up. OB said nothing.
Oh boy.
Immediately after hanging up, my brother had a full-blown meltdown. He called my mom (who was already waiting in her car outside their house), started yelling and accused her of ruining everything. I think deep down he knew that if the roles were reversed, there is no way in hell they would let me near them with a fever.
Mom turned around and came home. We had a lovely party without them, but now OB and his wife are furious at everyone. OB is giving me the silent treatment and only calling our parents to scold them.
AITA?
Commenters overwhelmingly sided with the pregnant sister, calling her NTA and questioning why this decision ever became hers to make in the first place.
A child waking up with a fever is disappointing when you’ve been looking forward to a family gathering, but disappointment doesn’t make the fever disappear. With a woman eight months into a high-risk pregnancy and older parents attending the same event, readers felt staying home should have been the obvious choice—not something that required a family debate, a guilt-filled car ride and eventually an uncomfortable phone call.
The sister-in-law’s response particularly rubbed people the wrong way. Telling the pregnant woman that she could stay home technically solves the exposure problem, but it also shifts the entire burden onto the person who wasn’t bringing illness into the house. Considering this was their younger brother’s birthday celebration at their parents’ home, commenters didn’t see why she should be displaced simply because another branch of the family didn’t want to miss out.
That said, plenty of the frustration belonged with Mom, too. She initially made the sensible call, then reversed course after her son became upset and essentially handed the final decision to her pregnant daughter. That put her in the unenviable position of becoming the bad guy for maintaining the boundary everyone seemingly understood in the first place.
Missing a birthday party stinks. Missing one because your kid wakes up sick is also a completely normal part of parenting. Sometimes there isn’t a solution that makes everyone happy—and turning someone else’s health risk into the compromise certainly isn’t it.
This person says the boundary was perfectly reasonable.
This person says Mom is the AH.
If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a woman who finally blew up after years of being treated as the second-best sibling.
But this person says OB and SIL are the jerks.
A fever may ruin your party plans, but it doesn’t automatically make the eight-months-pregnant guest the backup cancellation.