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Imagine buying a vacation home that needs a lot of work. What would you do if the builder you hired didn’t seem to listen to you when you told him your design ideas? Would you go along with whatever he picks, or would you insist on choosing the design elements like paint colors, faucets, and tile?

In this story, a married couple buys a vacation home that is a fixer-upper. They hire a builder, and the husband does most of the communicating with the builder; however, the wife makes it clear that she wants to be involved in the design decisions.

Now that it’s time to make those design decisions, she’s very frustrated because the builder isn’t listening to her and keeps ignoring her decisions. But what’s even worse is that her husband is siding with the builder!

Is she overreacting? I don’t think so. Keep reading to see if you agree.

Contractor Ignores Me, Husband Unbothered, AIO?

My husband and I bought a country house. This is a vacation house. There are no financial pressures relevant to this story.

I didn’t want the house. We could afford it, but it was expensive, and I would rather spend far less to go on trips to different places.

Still, he did, and it is good for the kid, so I went along with it.

The house is about 90 minutes away, and we are in Germany, so we communicate with the builder primarily via email and the occasional meeting.

The house needs a lot of work.

It needed some serious work, the type that is not optional.

Also, the interior was ugly and mostly plastic. Think vinyl wallpaper, plastic “wood” floors, very dark etc.

Since we were renovating anyway, I added work that would make the place healthier and more attractive.

My husband, who loves wine, is turning the basement into a wine cellar.

Her husband has taken the lead on the renovations.

At our apartment, I am the person who does the most of the house design thinking and work. I’m still not done here. I do not enjoy it, but I care more about the results than my husband does, so I do it.

In this new place, I have been letting my husband manage much of the renovation work. I have not been on top of it. It’s his project, and I knew that a lot of work was coming for me once we reached the design stage.

Ever so often I asked if I was yet needed, and was always told not yet.

This was a mistake on my part. We are now there, and it is not going well.

She just wanted answers.

For example:

– From the very beginning, I asked them when they needed selections from me (tile, flooring, sinks, cabinets, paints etc) and by when.

The builder told me to make a Pinterest board and we would get to it as needed.

Every time I saw him, I asked this.

Still no useful answers.

The builder doesn’t seem to understand their requests.

– From the beginning, I said that I wanted to avoid plastic where possible. We are paying more for less environmentally damaging building materials.

Then the builder tells us that the bathroom guys want to work now. Do I like this plastic shower he picked out?

I do not. I said I do not want plastic.

He sends a different type of plastic. Again no, we want tile and a glass door.

The builder had a completely different plan.

Now he looks concerned. He had not planned for having to put the pipes in the actual floor. He planned to just put in a ready-built plastic shower enclosure. But he can make it work!

– Again I asked about when he needs design decisions by.

He says no worries, we will get to it.

This guy isn’t good at answering questions!

I ask him to send me how many m2 of tile he needs and I will get it.

He does not sent this to me.

I send him a photo of what I have in mind, tile-wise, as a reminder.

He does not reply.

Again, he’s not listening, or, and more likely, I assume this is scrap from another job he wants to use up.

– His one in-person suggestion was mosaic tile.

I say no thank you, I want larger tiles.

Five minutes later, he offers to bring over some mosaic tile he just happens to have, so I can pick some out.

Still no thank you.

There are more design problems.

Now he wants us to pick one of a few showerheads and faucets. He has picked them out, has a few links. We still do not have tile, a vanity, sink etc.

Oh, and he does want to know if we want a wall mounted or cabinet vanity. Just not which vanity.

The faucets he sent are too big for the room and I do not like them.

There’s another outdoor project.

Then there is treehouse.

I told him I wanted to add a treehouse at our first meeting. I asked about three more times.

Every time, he was surprised.

It sounds like she has given up on the builder helping with the treehouse.

The last time, I emailed him some ideas. No reply.

My husband followed up. He will get to it.

I am now looking at treehouse plans online and will draw them up my own.

Uh-oh!

And then there is the neighbor.

This house is in the country. I told the builder to use the local plumber in at least some of the work. He is the one who will come when there is a leak – not the builder’s guys from an hour away.

No reply to my email on that.

I sent another.

No reply.

She has a theory, and she’s probably right.

I get the impression that the builder is just picking whatever is easiest for him and has no intention of actually talking to me about anything he doesn’t have to.

Today, when the faucet request came, I was mad about it. I told my husband I was mad.

Husband does not care. He only wanted me to approve one of the three that the builder sent so that we could move faster.

I was really mad: I expressed my unhappiness over the builder.

Her husband really should’ve backed her up.

Husband did not share my concerns. He instead asked me to please see his perspective and just pick a faucet ASAP. He does not care how it looks. He cares only about completion date.

I waited a few hours to process how I felt.

I am still mad. Mad at the builder, and mad at my husband for not caring that the builder ignored me and then put me in this position (him not being on my side when others are less than fair is an ongoing issue, so I’m sure that didn’t help my reaction).

Mad that he didn’t follow up with the builder or push him for the things I asked for earlier in the process, while he was talking so much to him about the core renovation and his wine cellar.

Now, she’s fighting with her husband.

I told my husband this, calmly.

He did not care earlier because he doesn’t see a problem.

I said that was a problem.

He did not react calmly, and, unfortunately, I escalated with him.

Her husband told her how he really feels about it.

Now my husband is mad at me.

He said that he has been managing it mostly up until now, not me. Who am I to complain now that I am not being listened to? The only reason we are doing the cosmetic work is because I wanted it anyway.

He had to remind me about the few things he needed from me in the past, so I am in no position to complain now! The builder is not wrong here, there is no problem here, I need to just get over myself and my overly-demanding self, and pick one of the three faucets the builder sent so we can be done and use the house as soon as possible.

AIO? Do I expect too much? Is my husband right?

If I were her, I’d find another faucet and send the link to that one to the builder for him to order. Problem solved. But her husband should try to be more understanding. It’s her house too. The builder isn’t listening to her, and it’s not too much to expect the builder to listen to you!

Let’s see if Reddit agrees.

This person offers some advice.

Another person has a question.

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a sister with a bad history who found herself staying in a hotel instead of with family.

Another person has a theory.

One person shares how she would handle it.

I don’t think the husband is trying to be rude or inconsiderate, but I do think he’s just as frustrated as she is for a completely different reason. I don’t think he cares about the design choices. He would probably be equally happy with any of the faucets, a plastic shower, and mosaic tile. He probably doesn’t understand why she is so frustrated.

That doesn’t give him a free pass for not understanding. He needs to listen to her and try to understand that these decisions are very important to her. Then he should back her up when talking to the builder. They need to be a united front.