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Graduation is supposed to be one of those milestones when you look out into the crowd and see the people who helped you get there. For one high school senior, there’s someone especially important who won’t be in the audience.

Her father died suddenly when she was just 11 years old, leaving her without the chance to say goodbye. Before his death, he’d expressed a wish to be cremated and have his ashes scattered in nature. The family honored that request with roughly half of his ashes, while her mother kept the rest in a small urn at home.

Now, seven years later, the teenager has been thinking about how much she wishes her dad could be there to watch her graduate. She’s considering putting a tiny amount of his ashes into a necklace so she can carry him close to her heart when she walks across the stage.

It’s a meaningful idea, but there’s something holding her back.

She can’t stop wondering whether finding comfort in that necklace would mean disregarding the very last thing her father asked of his family.v

WIBTAH if I go against my father’s dying wishes?

My dad died when I was 11, very suddenly and I never got the chance to say goodbye.

he asked that his ashes be spread in nature. we did so with about half of his ashes, and my mom kept half because she did not want to let go of it.

now it sits in a little urn in her house and it’s honestly a little sad because we rarely go to visit it.

How sad.

about seven years later, it’s my senior year in high school and I would like to have a necklace to put a small amount of his ashes into.

it’s been weighing on me that he can’t be there for this milestone in my life and I’ve been thinking about it a lot.

I would like to have some of his ashes close to my heart while I finish out high school and walk the stage.

How special.

i know this sounds really bad. i didn’t really understand as a kid, I was young and didn’t really know anything except grief, but I feel terrible now that we’ve just kept his ashes separated instead of doing what he wanted.

putting his ashes into jewelry would only further separate his ashes and although I don’t think i believe that his spirit would be tied to those ashes, it also doesnt sound very nice to have your ashes be separated into a million pieces all over the world, you know?

but also, the thing is, from what I knew about my dad, he was very pragmatic about the whole death thing.

That tracks.

he did not want a burial because he knew it would be too much hassle for us. he just wanted to be burnt and tossed into the sea, and I don’t think there was a lot of emotion behind that decision, just the knowledge that it would be the easiest process for his family to do.

and although I never got the chance to discuss it with him, so I’ll never really know, I feel like if I’d have asked in advance about the necklace thing, he would’ve been fine with it, if maybe think its a little needless. but I think if he knew it gave me comfort, he‘d be okay with it.

but on the other hand, I don’t really know and I never will. and we should probably just toss the rest of his ashes in nature like he wanted but every time I think of doing that, my heart can’t bear it. i don’t know man. what should we do?

This is one of those situations where there isn’t a perfectly satisfying answer, because the one person who could settle the question isn’t here to give it.

The teenager clearly wants to honor her father’s wishes. In fact, the amount of thought she’s putting into a tiny memorial necklace suggests she’s taking those wishes seriously rather than casually dismissing them.

But there’s also an important distinction between the literal instructions he left and what he hoped those instructions would accomplish. She remembers him as a pragmatic person who wanted cremation and scattering because he believed it would be easier on his family. It’s possible he would have supported a small exception that brought his daughter comfort, although she can’t know that for certain.

She also doesn’t have to resolve the question of what to do with all the remaining ashes right now. With her mother’s agreement, she could set aside a very small amount for the necklace while they continue discussing how to honor his original request.

Grief doesn’t follow a neat schedule, and graduating without a parent can make an old loss feel painfully immediate again.

Whatever she decides, wanting to keep a little piece of her dad close isn’t the same thing as forgetting what he wanted.

This person makes a valid point.

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a woman whose family says she’s selfish for not wanting strangers living in her trailer.

This person does, too.

And this person is just all in favor of what OP wants to do (as is the rest of Reddit!).

Her dad won’t be able to walk her across the graduation stage, but a little piece of him could still make the journey with her.