One 33-year-old woman recently found herself in that position when her mother contacted her with an unexpected favor: could she look after her 38-year-old brother for two days so Mom could spend time with friends?
Her brother is autistic and requires substantial support, and their mother has been his primary caregiver for years. Unfortunately, the siblings’ childhood was anything but easy. The woman recalls being frightened by her brother’s aggressive behavior, particularly when she was left alone with him.
One incident when she was 16 changed her relationship with her mother entirely.
Now married with four children, including a newborn, she’s built a life of her own and has limited contact with Mom. But apparently, her mother believes it’s time for her to step back into a caregiving role.
And when she refused, the familiar family conflict came rushing back.
AITAH for telling my mom that I won’t take my brother in so she can have a break?
So apparently im TA because I put boundaries up, I should have known because my family doesn’t believe in boundaries.
So I (33f) told my mom that I’m not taking the roll to watch my brother(38f). It blew up into a big thing.
So here’s the thing, my brother is older than me so growing up, he had most of the attention. He has autism, he’s on the higher spectrum so he has a mind of a child.
A tough situation for sure.
He’s very big, taller than our mom and taller than his dad. My mom is the only one watching him, his dad isn’t around because he didn’t want the responsibility to take care of a child with autism.
As a kid I was scared of him because he would get aggravated, pushy, if he doesn’t get what he wanted, yes he has autism but that doesn’t mean you just give in.
My mom always gave in which is why he didn’t really learn how to treat people, he would get mad at her and there were times it went too far.
Off, not good.
I believed my mom hated me, this one time was the day she didn’t want me as her child anymore.
My brother was being very aggressive with me, he broke glass. Mind you I was home alone while my mom was out, so 16 year old me who was 5’1 at the time had no chance against him.
That’s when I called the police, and when my mom puns out she was crying, but she blamed me and said why would I do that.
How awful.
So there’s a little background, after that she didn’t want me living with her so I stayed with my aunt for the rests of my teen life.
Now I am married with 4 kids, recently had my first son. I told talk to my mom much but she has my number. I guess it was a special day because she texted me. I didn’t know what to expect, she sent a very long paragraph so I will break it up.
So she basically talking that she has been wanting to get out the house to spend time with her friends but she has no one to watch my brother. Her sisters don’t want to watch him and she couldn’t call anybody else so she said I was her last hope.
Oh dear…
I understand that she wants to get out but I cannot take my brother and watch him, I have kids and just had a baby.
If I don’t sound selfish I’m sorry but I am worried about my safe and my kids. I expressed that with her and she said it will only be two days so why can’t I just be a sister and take him.
My mom doesn’t like accountability, if I suggest her to put him in a center with other people she would get mad but they genuinely help. I didn’t want to keep arguing because I can’t get through with her. I just told her I won’t take him in and that she needs to find a place that will watch him.
Commenters would have plenty of reasons to side with the daughter here. Her mother absolutely deserves respite from caregiving, especially after years of managing her son’s needs largely on her own. But needing a break doesn’t automatically make another family member responsible for providing it.
The daughter’s reluctance also isn’t simply about inconvenience. She describes a frightening childhood incident involving her brother’s aggression and broken glass, after which she called the police because she felt unsafe. Instead of supporting her, her mother blamed her, and she spent the rest of her teenage years living with an aunt.
That history matters. So does the fact that she now has four children, including a newborn, whose safety and care must come first.
Her brother’s autism doesn’t inherently make him dangerous, and his support needs shouldn’t be treated as a character flaw. But the specific behavior his sister experienced, combined with her mother’s response, explains why she doesn’t feel equipped to take responsibility for him.
Rather than pressuring an unwilling relative, Mom could explore professional respite care or an appropriate support program. That might give her the break she needs while ensuring her son receives care from people prepared to meet his needs.
The daughter can recognize how difficult her mother’s situation is without agreeing to repeat a role that once left her feeling unsafe.
This person says not even remotely the AH.
If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a man who had to sprint to the bathroom the moment he got home, then emerged to find his partner upset he didn’t greet her properly.
This person has some good, stern advice.
And this person has a theory.
Mom deserves a break from caregiving, but the daughter she sent away at 16 doesn’t owe her a two-day babysitting shift at 33.