Work relationships are complicated. Some people are there to climb as high up the ladder as they can, but others just want to do their jobs and head home to their real lives.
OP is the latter type, and would rather spend time with his wife than just about anyone else…but he’s wondering whether or not that’s something he should have shared with his boss.
He says he was roped into going to a work conference, and because he’s not close with any of his coworkers, found the idea that he should also eat his meals with them exhausting.
Unfortunately, I [47M] was roped into going to a work conference recently. I am a remote worker, but sadly I was told that I needed to attend a conference that many of my coworkers go to each year due to how integral my duties were to this year’s presentation, I suppose.
I am not buddy-buddy with any of my coworkers or my boss, but I am professional with them. This was the first work conference I had ever been to, so I did not realize how much these things consume the entirety of the time spent there.
The first three nights of the four night conference had scheduled dinners after what he considered “work hours,” but as they were presented as part of the day, he went along.
The first three nights of the conference there were different dinners I “had” to attend after typical work hours and when over 8 hours had been spent doing work related things at the conference already.
Now, I don’t really mind attending the actual conference that much, what I mind is the expectation that I spend any more time with my colleagues than necessary. In my opinion, if I’ve spent 8:30 – 5 at a work conference with coworkers attending work-related sessions and giving a work-related presentation, past 5 o’clock I am no longer “at work.”
I was already rather peeved that this was not the expectation at the start, but I was at least informed of these three different formal/scheduled dinners once the conference schedule was released.
The last night, though, there was nothing on the schedule. So, he planned to eat dinner “with” his wife over video call.
The fourth and final night of the conference I expected would be completely mine because there was no conference-wide scheduled dinner.
As such, the night before when I called my wife, I asked her if she wanted to eat dinner together (i.e. video call each other and eat together, then spend as many hours as possible chatting before going to bed), and she said that sounded lovely.
We made plans to call at 7 our time (6 where the conference was), and I was really looking forward to it, as obviously I love her and her company.
When he was informed the following day that their office tradition was to have a nice dinner out together – on their boss’s tab – he tried to politely decline.
Unfortunately, at lunch on the final day of the conference, my coworkers (my boss included) mentioned going to a specific restaurant. They asked if I was excited to go, and I said I was not going, but I hoped they enjoyed themselves. They acted like I smacked them, and asked what I meant. I told them I’d made plans to call my wife and eat dinner with her.
I was then informed that, apparently, there is some tradition of all my coworkers eating dinner together the last night. I said I wasn’t informed and we had already eaten dinner together every other night, but I hoped they enjoyed themselves.
My boss then said it was something I had to attend, then some of my coworkers agreed and said it was an important part of the conference.
He also told them the reason was that he preferred his wife’s company to theirs, and only attended when it was made clear that not doing so would negatively impact his position with the company.
I told my boss and coworkers that it was outside work hours, unpaid, and not scheduled, plus I prefer my wife’s company to theirs, so I was not going.
They then told me I was being rude and an asshole, and that I should have expected that we would all dine together the final night.
I said that was ridiculous, but my boss implied that not attending would have repercussions, so I called my wife and apologized to her, and sadly attended this stupid dinner.
AITA?
He’s coming to Reddit to ask whether or not he did something wrong, so let’s hear them out!
The top comment says he might be NTA, but he’s also super naive.
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This person agrees that OP probably burned a lot of professional bridges.
Image Credit: Reddit
And this commenter is confused as to why being treated to a nice dinner was such a chore.
Image Credit: Reddit
This person, though, could totally understand where OP was coming from.
Image Credit: Reddit
They also had some suggestions of better ways OP could have begged off.
Image Credit: Reddit
I don’t think OP was a jerk for wanting to have dinner with his wife.
There’s absolutely no question he could have handled it better, though.