There is nothing like a parents’ failing health – except maybe their death and inheritance decisions – to put a strain on the relationships between family left behind.
It’s sad, really, because most of the time the person who passed would only want their loved ones to get along.
OP’s mother was diagnosed with dementia and made her wishes clear.
I (33M) have 2 older brothers, Matt (35) and Frank (38). Our father passed a few years back and not longer after, our mother was diagnosed with early onset dementia.
At the time, she was still doing fairly well and was in a place to make competent choices for herself. She began making plans for what to do when she reached a point where she could no longer do so.
That included assigning one of us legally to make choices when she couldn’t.
Frank lives across the country so my mom never really considered him. She then spoke to me and Matt separately. Just in abstract, stating her wishes.
She had a sizable life insurance policy from our father’s passing and wanted to use it to have an in home aide. She does not want to go into a nursing home unless there is no other choice. Her policy will pay for this alongside her bills and she’d also qualify for help from the state.
It is very important to her that she get to stay in her own home.
When she realized one of her children wouldn’t honor her choices, she made a tough decision of her own.
I agreed with this and told her I would do everything I could to make it possible. Matt, however, told her that he felt an in home aide would be a waste of her money given she’d likely need a couple to provide round the clock care.
Given our jobs and own families, we couldn’t be there long every day and our mom made it clear she doesn’t want us to let this consume our lives. Though, I still planned on visiting daily, even if I couldn’t stay long.
There were also arguments over Mom not wanting to be kept alive by machines as well as organ donation.
Given Matt’s clear intention to ignore our mother’s wishes, she chose me. She did ask me and Frank to keep this quiet.
I agreed, though I pointed out it could come out at some point. She insisted he not know as she didn’t want to spend the rest of her time with her facilities in tact arguing.
The time has come for those wishes to be honored, and OP had to pull rank.
Fast forward 3 years and our mother is slowly getting worse. She has a part time aide now but I know it’ll move up to full time soon.
Matt is trying to insist we put her in an assisted living facility. He kept arguing with me. Eventually, I told him that it wasn’t his choice. He said “mom isn’t in a place to decide”.
I said “I know, she left me in charge of that.” and showed him a copy of the legal documents.
Her mom is upset and some think she should have kept her mouth shut a bit longer.
He got very quiet and upset. Then later, went to our mom crying, saying how hurt he was.
While my mom isn’t doing well, she still is somewhat aware of what’s going on and is clearly upset that he knows.
Frank says I shouldn’t have said anything. I feel like I had no other choice because Matt would just keep arguing with me. AITA?
Does Reddit? Let’s find out!
The top comment says OP needs to stop beating herself up for doing the right thing.
=
This person agrees the time has come.
Moms always know who is up to a task.
It’s not always fair, this life.
This commenter says she’ll want to keep an eye on her brother going forward.
I really dislike things like this.
You want to see your family come together, not the opposite.
If you enjoyed that story, read this one about a mom who was forced to bring her three kids with her to apply for government benefits, but ended up getting the job of her dreams.