Imagine being married with kids, and you’re trying to save up to buy a house. You might love the idea of working as much overtime as possible to save up faster, but would you check with your spouse before agreeing to work overtime or would you agree to work overtime and simply tell your spouse later?

That’s the question in today’s story and the point of disagreement between a husband and wife. The wife wants her husband to ask her before agreeing to work overtime, but the husband doesn’t think he should have to ask first. He plans to work as much overtime as possible every chance he gets. He thinks she’s ungrateful.

Who is in the wrong here?

It’s seems like a communication issue which can lead to lots of marital spats. Keep reading to see whose side you’re on.

AITA for asking my husband to check in with me before taking OT at work.

We’re both 41. Me-F/hubs-M. Married. Living together with our kids. Completely entwined.

We both work full time, but he makes more than me.

My mom is our primary childcare.

It sounds like her mom has trouble saying “no.”

She already watches our youngest (5yo) two or three days a week after school (or all day if there isn’t school) depending on our schedules.

She had a heart attack a few months ago so I try to not ask her for any extra days, but she is totally willing to help out whenever needed. To a fault, in fact.

Whether she is truly up to the task of taking on our highly energetic heathen or not, she will always say yes if she isn’t busy.

Her husband doesn’t seem to fully understand what it means to be married.

There has been an ongoing issue where hubs sort of just operates as if he’s single.

He just does things without checking with the people that it would affect.

He talks a lot about his autonomy and says he shouldn’t have to check with me. (We have a lot of sordid and uncomfortable history, so I want to make sure that I am being reasonable and not getting bent out of shape just because of the past.)

I have repeatedly told him that it’s not like he’s having to ask permission. He’s free to do whatever…but he is also part of this family which he is equally responsible for…

It really does seem like it’s important for him to double check before making plans.

To top it off, he is terrible at remembering schedules and plans and has often double booked us or forgotten something.

So, I do most of the scheduling for our family and remind everyone of all the whats and whens.

When making plans, I ALWAYS check in with him first.

Anyway… Today I got a text from him. It was a group text including my mom as well. It simply said, “I signed up for a day of OT…(date).”

She just wants to be asked not told.

Now, the issue is NOT the OT. He works hard for us and we are trying to save money to buy a house. The OT is important.

It’s just the total lack of communication. All I ask is just a quick text…like, “Hey babes, there’s OT available on this day, what’s our schedule like?”

If he had come to me with a text or call like that, I would have been happy to try to move things around and make it work for everyone. But he just “told” us… My mom included.

He didn’t ask if she was available or if she felt up to an extra day. He just did it and assumed it would be fine.

Her husband thinks she’s ungrateful.

He’s mad at me for asking for better communication. He said Why can’t I see how good it is for us and How about I just be grateful for his hard work and say thank you and good job.

I really AM grateful and I do appreciate his hard work, but things like this happen often.

I want to add his arguments/rationale to this because that’s only fair, in case IATA.

Here’s his reasoning.

1. We need the money.

2. We have had this discussion so many times.

3. He has told me in the past that if there is OT available, he is going to take it and take as much OT as possible for the foreseeable future.

I’m just so sick of the lack of communication and consideration. We’ve talked about this a hundred times for as many reasons. It’s not just scheduling communication that he has a hard time with. AITA?

Well, if he has told her in the past that he’s going to take overtime whenever it’s available, then she shouldn’t be surprised if he takes overtime whenever it’s available. If they need the money, they need the money. But if he’s working overtime, that shouldn’t necessarily mean her mom needs to babysit more. Wouldn’t she be home? I guess it depends on their schedules.

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a mom who is irate after she gave a group leader money for her daughter’s lunch, only to have him pocket the cash and ask all of the kids to pay their own way.

Let’s see how Reddit responded to this story.

It really does seem to be a communication issue.

He doesn’t seem to understand how his decision to work overtime affects her and her mom.

According to this person, he has bad manners.

Everyone agrees that the husband is the problem.

Is it possible that his boss doesn’t let him know that overtime is available until the last minute? In that case, I could understand why he wouldn’t give a heads up earlier, but it would still be nice of him to ask instead of telling his wife he’s working overtime. However, it’s also possible that he has to make the decision quickly at work, like if his boss came up to him and asked if he could work overtime. He might feel weird saying he needs to check with his wife first.

One thing that might help them is to have a shared online calendar where she could put all the activities and events she has scheduled. Then he could double check that before scheduling anything of his own.

They should probably also check in with her mom since she is the babysitter. It sounds like she never turns down babysitting, but how does she really feel about it? That’s important to consider as well.

When you’re married with kids, it’s not all about you anymore.

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a stepmom who says stepson isn’t doing enough, despite the fact that he’s working 12-hour shifts to pay for his own college.