Imagine renting a room from a landlord who also lives in the same apartment. If your landlord who is also your roommate blasted music really loudly and really late at night, would you pay your rent anyway, or would you refuse to pay rent until your landlord turned down the music?

In this story, one man finds himself in this situation, and he decided not to pay his rent. Now, he feels like his landlord is gaslighting him about another issue that happened last month and is unrelated to the noise. He’s not sure if it’s wrong not to pay his rent or if he’s being completely reasonable.

Let’s read the whole story to decide.

AITAH for wanting my roommate/landlord to address noise levels before sending rent?

So I (M25) live with a live-in landlord/roommate (F31).

There’s been an issue of noise well past 3am and it continues even if I ask multiple times.

A few days ago decided I’d had enough of going to work on little-no sleep and was going to talk to her about it. Didn’t get the chance to until today because she’s had people over every night playing music again when I work all week as if I’m not there.

I’d asked to talk about it weeks ago but was told she was busy and said to let me know and she didn’t.

The landlord sounds really annoying.

The rent was due on Saturday, she was pressing me for the money saying oh I have debits going out tomorrow (on a Sunday)

I said to her I need to talk about the noise level before I send money and then she doesn’t reply for 10hours.

Then when she does instead of addressing this properly she’s says I’m disrespectful because I didn’t send the rent on time and I can’t talk about respect because of this and we all have our own problems.

She then span off saying my weekly rent payments were actually in arrears(?) because it’s for the month and I don’t remember this (even though my rent was backdated when it was agreed I’d be staying full time and it was never mentioned as monthly or anything about notice) and began trying to belittle me acting as if I know nothing about how rent works and distracting from my issue.

He doesn’t want to pay when he’s being ignored.

She said the rent isn’t always sent on time.

I said I can ask for the noise to go down 3 times and get yessed away with no change. So why would I send money if without knowing if I’ll just be ignored?

This issue has been going on for weeks so why distract over rent that was due in the last 24hrs bc if she’s gonna ignore my message to talk that’s not gonna make me send it quicker and this went on for hours over message saying that I can’t believe you’d think I’d just tell you to leave and not give the money back.

Here’s where it got complicated.

There’s a situation that happened awhile back that’s important to note.

A month or 2 ago, she’d asked me to do some ketamine with her and watch Netflix. I ended up in a k-hole and ended up asking her if she wanted to sleep together, she said no and I literally said fair enough and backed off. I apologised the same night and the morning after and she brushed it off.

Now it’s come back up tonight when we’re talking about mutual respect for each others needs but she is gaslighting me saying she’s been very uncomfortable since (hasn’t mentioned or asked me to move out) then said yes my version of events did happen but now she’s gaslighting me by saying that immediately after I continued to ask repeatedly again after.

This DID NOT happen as my memory is overall hazy on the night but I’m very clear on that moment and I did not persist.

She’s now trying to rewrite the night to make it act like she couldn’t get away and keeps saying do you or don’t you remember and trying to insist that I wouldn’t stop (but didn’t actually do anything).

Here’s how he remembers it…

My recollection is I got emotional after I apologised asked her for a hug and we had a deep chat.

She is now acting like I kept “trying to hug her” and kept repeating asking over and over again and is talking at me like I really don’t remember anything at all (I do).

I’m stupid and said I don’t remember that but if it did happen I apologise to soothe her ego.

She is very narcissistic and gaslighting to most people which is why she never keeps any friends. I told her if there is any issue then it needs to be brought up not when she wants to go on the offence. If she was really threatened then why am I still in her house? (The answer to that is because it isn’t true).

He asked a reasonable question.

I said do you want to start a clean slate or do you want my notice.

And she’s said “I’m not sure, the assuming I wouldn’t want to resolve the noise issue and saying you’d wait to pay after we talk has made me view things differently cause despite you saying it’s not personal I’ve taken it personally and that’s aside from the other stuff”

And I’d already said can you blame me if you’ve already ignored my previous requests for peace but she’s acting like that part in particular makes me a villain and has taken no accountability.

He’s not sure what to do.

I feel like she’s literally gaslighting me and making me feel bad for coming onto her (once when i was off my face from the drugs she was giving me and backing off as soon as she said no) and using it to deflect that I’ve asked for consideration about the most basic human needs before sending money to live here, literally just because I’ve said can you stop blasting loud bassy music in the rooms next to me whilst I’m trying to sleep even if I’ve asked 3 times.

Like what do I do from here because she thinks she has the higher ground now and I don’t want her spinning this version of events to others that simply isn’t true and constantly changing.

Am I a jerk for waiting days to talk to her about the noise issue because she’s had guests 4 nights in a row because I didn’t send the rent yesterday when asked (even though she didn’t answer my request to talk for 10hrs)?

If there’s any advice on how to manage living with a pure narcissistic gaslighter like this I’d appreciate it too. I’m moving out asap but need to navigate this now.

I’m glad to hear that he plans to move out. That would’ve been my suggestion.

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a couple whose new neighbors’ construction noise is ruining the whole neighborhood vibe.

Let’s see what Reddit has to say.

There was actually only one comment, and I completely agree.

It’s not his place. His landlord is completely in the right if she refuses to turn down the noise at her own place. His only option is to move out. That would be best for everyone.

Maybe he can see if a friend has a couch he could crash on until he can find another place to live, because if I were him I’d want to get out as quickly as possible. Their relationship sounds really awkward, and the noise means he can’t sleep. There is nothing good about living there anymore. It’s time to move.