Not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime, and that is perfectly ok.

What would you do if your friend from college didn’t seem to put any effort into seeing you, and had also been doing or saying some hurtful things?

That is what is happening to the guy in this story, so he is hurt by it and is thinking of cutting back the effort he is putting into the friendship as well, possibly letting it end.

There is really nothing wrong with letting a friendship end, or just be reduced to something much more casual. Read through the full story below and see if you think that this guy would be in the wrong for letting the friendship end.

AITAH for no longer making an effort with my former best friend after years of manipulation and self-centered behavior?

I’ve known my best friend since high school, and we stayed close throughout university and grad school.

He’s now a senior partner at a consulting firm and I’m an emergency physician.

We stayed quite close throughout our early careers, but competing demands from work made it difficult to hang out as often as we’d like. But we still made time to hang out, even though we both live in adjacent suburbs outside our metro area.

Having differing work schedules can make things even more difficult.

Over the past 5-10 years most of our time hanging out would be downtown in the city when I was getting off an early hospital shift and he was in the office, although he has a great and flexible schedule that only requires him to go downtown a few times per month.

Even though I’d be pretty tired, it was the easiest way for us to maintain some face time, and so I didn’t really notice that we only saw each other when it was convenient for him.

It is no surprise that a doctor didn’t like it when his friend was ignoring public health recommendations.

During the pandemic, our relationship became strained.

I was working the ER and COVID treatment clinics, and he was fortunate to be working remote.

However, he really showed some ugly personality traits by flouting public health restrictions, encouraging others to do the same, actively traveling for leisure in purposeful defiance (our country had strict lockdown).

To be fair, some of the restrictions did end up being very bad.

What’s worse, his father became very sick with COVID, and he reached out to me and I was able to expedite and ensure appropriate care.

As soon as his dad was out of the woods and stabilized, he began traveling again and mocking the health care system, lockdowns, etc.

They have very different positions on this issue.

I eventually had enough and called out his hypocrisy and selfishness.

He was offended and put on an air of being actually shocked that I would care, even though I’m a physician.

I was flabbergasted.

He said I shouldn’t identify so much with my profession, as he didn’t identify as his role of a consultant (even though he flaunts it all over social media and has become a networking machine).

He is moving to a better schedule. I’m sure he’ll appreciate that.

I felt that he was being purposefully obtuse, ignorant, and completely selfish and narcissistic.

We patched things up without delving into it too deeply, for the sake of our shared history and friendship.

Eventually, I transitioned to an office-based practice in the suburbs a few years ago and now have a regular 9-5 schedule, although I do have call responsibilities after-hours, as well.

This guy doesn’t get to dictate what social obligations are important to his friend.

As you can imagine, as a doctor, my practice is very busy and I don’t have time to leave for social lunches or take days off at my leisure.

My friend’s senior and remote managerial role allows him flexibility to do both.

Over the last several years – and much more frequently since the pandemic – whenever I’ve tried to arrange a weekend drink/coffee/lunch, I get a response that he has no weekend availabilities (usually for months at a time), although his social media shows he and his wife entertaining and seeing work colleagues, or “higher status” acquaintances regularly.

These two just have conflicting schedules; that doesn’t make either of them the ‘bad guy.’

My wife and I have small children and I can’t go from work to a downtown bar mid-week; nor can I cancel an afternoon of clinic on a whim.

I stopped asking about weekends, but whenever he reaches out, it’s only to ask if I can meet around lunch or early afternoon during the week, or a next-day weekday evening on short notice.

Once again – for the nth time – he recently asked in a put-on, confused manner, if I’m actually always in clinic and working during the weekday afternoons.

Questioning how busy he is was out of line.

His wife is also an MD.

I was mad and told him, “YES, of course. I have a very busy practice and see patients all day, every day. What don’t you understand about this?”

His wife is an MD.

He’s known me to be one for over 15 years.

It is never a good idea to psychoanalyze someone like this.

I can’t help but think he’s playing dumb and being manipulative to divert from his selfishness and downgrading of me in his richer, more powerful and important social group.

But he’s very smart and socially aware.

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I’m insulted offended that he doesn’t think I can see through this.

There is nothing wrong with letting a friendship die out.

Worse, I’m pretty sure he does know I see through this, but has become so narcissistic and arrogant that he doesn’t actually care, and this is part of some perverted power play for him to get back at me.

Am I wrong for mentally “demoting” someone I’ve considered my best friend for over 20 years to just a casual friend after years of feeling like our friendship only exists on his terms?

AITA?

No, it seems that these two just aren’t compatible anymore, and that is fine. There is no reason to blow up the relationship, but seeing each other far less is perfectly natural.

Read on to see what the people in the comments have to say about this situation.

I think this commenter is exactly right.

It is very common for friendships to evolve, or end, as you get older.

This commenter says to match his friend’s effort.

Sometimes people just grow out of friendships.

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a man whose mom thinks he should give the home he saved for to his “more deserving” sister.

This commenter says he should have ended the friendship during COVID.

Just let the friendship die; it will be better for both of them. You shouldn’t have to force a friendship like this to exist, but it doesn’t have to be a dramatic scene.

They don’t even have to hate each other. Just see him less often, and maybe in a few years, their schedules will line up better.