Over time at school, it becomes fairly apparent to everyone who is naturally attuned to studying and who isn’t. For some people, academics come naturally. Whatever the subject, they’re quick at picking up information and adept at putting it into practice. With just a little effort they can jump way ahead of everyone else in the class, taking learning new things in their stride. Because if learning can be a joy it becomes easier and easier, making school something of a breeze.

For others, things are more difficult. They might want to learn but, for whatever reason, they struggle to retain the information – or to apply it in a meaningful way. It’s not that they’re not smart, it’s just that they don’t necessarily have the natural affinity for the subject that others do, and so it takes a lot more work for them to pass their exams. But with a lot of hard work and determination these people can still reach new heights that once seemed impossible, with the work ethic that they develop in doing so taking them far in life and readying them for greater successes.

The friend of the person in this story has long left school, but needs to complete a professional postgraduate qualification for their work. Unfortunately they’re struggling to do so, and have opted to lean on a reliable friend for help. They’ve helped no end, but they are seeing the student get more and more distant and removed from their studies, and they no longer know where to turn.

Read on to find out why this might be make or break for their friendship.

AITA for telling a friend “I need to see you do the work”

A good friend of mine has, for a variety of reasons, been struggling for a while to get through a postgraduate professional exam.

For two, separate, months long periods over the last couple of years, I’ve been trying to help this friend with practicing and revising (it’s an oral, interview type exam, which they particularly struggle with).

I’ve also been running revision groups, where I’ve been spending several hours a week for several months helping others through their exam, to which this friend was invited and efforts were made to include them.

Let’s see how this has been going for them.

On both occasions, it’s been quite an uphill struggle to try and get them to keep focused on the exam and not panic (they have legitimate issues that make this quite hard for them).

They only attended two of the twelve or so revision sessions I put on (only participating in one). I’ve tried setting aside time specifically for them, but there’s been lack of engagement, despite my attempts.

Now it’s time for the next exam cohort.

Once again I’m running a revision group for people for the exam (friend included) and I’ve offered to set aside extra time for my friend, but with more of a proviso this time.

But while trying to help, an argument has inadvertently been started.

When asked “Will you help me like before?” I replied, “Yes. But I’ll be clear from the off. I need to see you do the work.”

When asked “Or you won’t help?” I replied, “I can’t help, there’s nothing I can do. I can’t sit the exam for you; if you don’t do the work, you will fail no matter what I do.”

This started a massive row, where I was told that’s “not what a friend says,” and that I’m not right to make my help for a friend transactional on seeing them do some work off their own back.

They’ve told me I’m being incredibly patronising by saying this, that I’m a friend, not their tutor or superior and I shouldn’t be talking to them like that.

Let’s see how this friend responded to those words.

I refused to budge from my position that without them doing work, they won’t pass, and I can’t help in that situation; that they’re welcome to join the group and I can do exam practice with them, but they’re adamant I’m being a ****.

I reiterated I would help, but that they would fail if they can’t do the work.

Then I asked a friend what they would say if I said the same to them, an apparently they said they would tell me to “**** off.” It’s now at an impasse, and neither of us really want to engage with each other.

AITA?

The old saying goes, you can’t help someone unless they’re willing to help themselves.

It sounds like this friend has been really trying to help out, and has dedicated a lot of time and effort into doing so.

But they’re right, regardless of personal circumstances, they’re not going to pass unless they turn up and actually do the work.

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a woman who doesn’t want to go to the amusement park with her friend anymore, because the friend can no longer ride most of the attractions.

Let’s see what the Reddit community made of this.

This person thought they’d done nothing wrong.

While others thought that the arrangement should come to an end to preserve the friendship.

Meanwhile, this Redditor wondered whether this was really the right route for the friend.

Sometimes it takes situations like this one to help us realise what we really want in life, and it’s true that if the exam is making the friend so anxious that they can’t even study for it, then they may want to put it on hold for a while to take some time to decide if they really want to continue. Because to accept that this wasn’t the correct path for them isn’t a failure, it’s actually a strong decision to make – and when one door closes, others are allowed to open. More than that though, it’s clear that unless the friend wants to do the work, the tutoring arrangement needs to end, lest it costs them the friendship.

Sure the words were a little on the harsh side, but if the friend is not going to try then they are wasting everyone’s time. It sucks if a mental health condition is to blame for this anxiety regarding the exam, but their friend has spend a significant amount of time trying to help them, and the apparent lack of effort must feel quite disheartening. In the end, it’s the student’s responsibility to pass, and they need to understand that.

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a mom who is irate after she gave a group leader money for her daughter’s lunch, only to have him pocket the cash and ask all of the kids to pay their own way.