Man Wants To Plan A Trip To Visit His Friend—But She Won’t Give Him A Straight Answer
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Well, this is enough to get on anyone’s nerves…
And, full disclosure, it drives me up the wall when I ask someone repeatedly for a straight answer and they keep beating around the bush!
I know it can be hard to tell your friends no sometimes, but can’t we all be adults?
Apparently not…
Check out why this guy is pretty frustrated that his friend who lives in another country is giving him the run-around about a trip he’s planning to visit her.
AITA for pushing my friend for a straight answer?
“Me (30m) and my best friend Rachel (29f) have had recurring issues around making plans.
We all have friends like this…
Whenever I try to organize something, I’m often told “I’ll see,” “I’m not sure what I’m doing that day,” or “I don’t know.”
She says it’s because of her (undiagnosed) ADHD and that she struggles to commit to plans when she’s overwhelmed or unsure how she’ll feel.
I’ve tried to be patient, but it led to resentment because I’d avoid making other plans to keep time free for her, only for her to often cancel or make other arrangements.
We live 8–10 hours apart.
Since the start of this year I’ve been in therapy to address my own issues, including tying my self-worth to helping others and becoming bitter when that effort wasn’t reciprocated.
This is a good thing!
Therapy has helped me set healthier boundaries and communicate my needs more clearly.
Now on to the incident.
I’m currently living in New Zealand and don’t know when I’ll next return to the UK. Rachel lives in the UK and plans to move to Denmark next year to be with her fiancé.
In October I’m planning to visit family in the US and was considering extending the trip to spend up to four weeks in the UK. I was asking friends and family for their thoughts.
When I spoke to Rachel, I asked how she felt about the possibility and what her gut reaction was. I struggled to get a clear answer. First she said she’d be working in October and then traveling to Denmark for two months.
Jeez, make a decision!
When I asked if that meant no, I got responses like “I don’t know” or “I can’t see that far into the future.”
I then asked if she’d be comfortable with me staying in her spare room for about a week. Again, the answer was “I don’t know” and “I struggle with people in my space.”
At that point I became frustrated and started pushing for a yes or no answer because it felt like we were going in circles. I explained that I was fine traveling 50 hours to see her and also fine if she said no because she was too busy, but that a “maybe” wasn’t helpful.
Whenever I asked if she was too busy or simply couldn’t meet up or that it sounded like she was saying no, she said I wasn’t listening or was twisting her words and acted offended.
The conversation turned into an argument, with both of us accusing the other of not listening. Eventually she ended it by saying, “I’m not going to spend my only day off frustrated,” and stopped replying.
He just needs to move on and forget it.
I’ve made it clear that if she can’t meet up, I completely understand and would respect that. What I struggle with is how a “maybe” is supposed to work when I’m willing to travel over 20,000 km to visit.
This is a lot of time, money and effort I’m putting in, so I need a clear answer on whether we’ll be able to see each other, which is why I pushed for a yes or no.
I know she struggles committing to plans and has said it can feel overwhelming.
I might be a jerk for not fully respecting her feelings and boundaries, but I also need clarity when making plans involving this much travel.”
Check out what readers had to say about this.
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This person said they all SUCK.
Another individual said he’s NTA.
This reader shared their thoughts.
If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a grandson who is tired of driving 5 hours one way to work on his grandparent’s investment property for free.
And this person weighed in.
Yes, this is pretty rude…
But he needs to call it a day and forget about that trip.
It ain’t happening!
This guy needs to take a hint and not deal with her anymore.
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