I think that one of the things most humans spend a lifetime figuring out is how to successfully navigate relationships with other humans. Whether they’re family, friends, romantic, or otherwise, it can be tough knowing the correct way to respond in so many different scenarios.

This woman, who has a nanny due to state assistance for her autistic daughter, is struggling with how to handle unexpected money issues.

Her daughter and nanny share a love for thrifting, and as her daughter also loves old Star Trek books, the two of them often pick up cheap old paperbacks while out on their adventures.

My daughter, Ruby, is 12. Recently, she has gotten into the original Star Trek show, as well as the Next Generation. Ruby is also a big reader and has started to collect a few of the old Star Trek books that she finds in used bookstores and thrift stores. These books usually cost anywhere from 50 cents to a couple of dollars.

My nanny, Tessa (f22), hangs out with Ruby most days after she gets out of school. Tessa has been our nanny for over a year now and she and Ruby get along great. Tessa is big into to thrifting and will often keep an eye out for the books Ruby wants. This is not typically a problem and Ruby always pays Tessa back for the books using her allowance.

Recently, the nanny went on vacation and texted the daughter to say she’d found some of the books she likes and asked if she wanted them. She said yes, but when the nanny returned to say the books cost $50, no one had the money to pay her back.

The problem occurred when Tessa went on a family vacation out west. Apparently she went thrifting during this trip and found some books for Ruby. She texted Ruby asking her if she wanted the books and Ruby said yes.

Well Tessa returned yesterday with a stack of about 35 books and told Ruby they cost $50. Ruby doesn’t have this much money and told Tessa.

Well, the daughter didn’t have the money and the mother, who wasn’t involved in any of the decision making, didn’t really want to.

Tessa then asked me if I would cover the cost. I said no as Tessa had never asked me about buying Ruby the books, nor was I aware of the conversation between the two of them. Tessa got upset and I asked Ruby to show me the text which made no mention of price, or even the amount of books she was buying. Tessa only said that she found “some” books for Ruby. Ruby is on the autism spectrum and does not read between the lines. You have to be very literal with her.

Previously, Tessa has never bought Ruby more than one or two books at a time, so I told her that she should have clarified with Ruby regarding the amount, or double checked with me before purchasing, and that I would not be paying the $50. Tessa said she could not return the books because they came from the thrift store. I stood firm in my decision and reiterated that she should have asked me first.

The nanny, who is a student with little money, was upset and so was the daughter, and the mom is wondering whether or not she should just pay the money she doesn’t think she owes.

Tessa left and Ruby is very upset. I know Tessa is a student and does not have a ton of money so am I the asshole for not paying Tessa for the books?

This one is tricky, so let’s see what Reddit advises!

The top comment says that it might be better to keep everyone happy than to be right in this scenario.

This person says the nanny was doing OP and her daughter a favor, so they wouldn’t make a big deal about spending the money all at once.

And this commenter reminds OP that good nannies are hard to find.

They say a little conversation and this could definitely be avoided in the future.

Some people, like this commenter, thought OP needed to take stock of the situation and get right with the nanny ASAP.

This story does seem to have a happy ending, as OP realized her relationship with her daughter and nanny, and their relationship with each other, was more important that $50.

UPDATE: I appreciate everyone’s valuable insights into the situation. I have seen a few comments hinting to me about the fact that I don’t support my daughter’s reading habit. Please know this is DEFINITELY not the case. We are both big readers and frequent patrons of our local library. I am always supportive of Ruby getting new books.

I talked to Tessa and told her that I appreciate her for thinking of Ruby, apologized for the misunderstanding, and have paid her for the books. We had a chat about expectations in the future and I don’t think this will happen again. I have also talked to Ruby and we agreed that I would hold onto the books and she would pay me for them as she wishes. It’s important to me that Ruby learns how to handle her finances appropriately, and we have decided that she will get two new books every week (she reads very quickly). After reading through your perspectives on the matter, I agree that it is better in the long run to lose the money and salvage the relationship between the three of us, and had not considered all the implications of doing otherwise. Lesson learned!

All’s well that ends well, I suppose.

I love it when people really are open to learn and grow!