Husband Hesitates to Build Their Dream Home as Marital Problems Put Their Future in Doubt
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Marriage before kids looks a lot different than marriage with kids. While children are wonderful and definitely a blessing, the exhaustion and extra work that goes along with parenting can put a strain on a marriage.
In this story, one couple is basically only staying together for the kids. At least, that’s the husband’s perspective. His wife seems to see more of a future with him because she’s pushing to follow through with their plans of building their dream home together.
He’s not so sure he wants to do that anymore.
What should he do?
Let’s see what’s going on.
AITAH for not wanting to build a house with my wife?
I (32M) and my wife (34F) have been married for almost 7years and together 10years.
We’ve 2 kids with an affordable mortgage on a nice semi-detached house close to the beach, although it has always been our dream to build our own home some day.
With the kids getting up in age and both of us earning relatively well in our respective careers, now would be a great time to start getting plans instigated on our dream home.
But their marriage is barely surviving.
However, our relationship has ‘stalled’ over the last few years.
We haven’t been intimate in over 4years with no signs of change.
Things in the relationship changed almost instantly after falling pregnant with our 2nd.
I’ve spent the last year sleeping on the sofa due to general frustration & the absence of any sort of connection/ friendship.
He doesn’t want the kids to know they’re having problems.
We definitely wouldn’t be together only for the kids.
I am conscious that the kids are approaching an age where they’ll soon pick up on the strains in our relationship no matter how well we mask it in front of them.
But the last resort for me would be splitting the family dynamic when the kids are still young.
She’s a great mother. And I’d like to think I’m a great dad.
He’s hesitant to start building the house.
Lately, my wife has been putting pressure on me to get moving on submitting plans for building our new home (on my family land) – which most people will know is usually a difficult undertaking both financially and mentally.
When I rebuke the idea, stating the obvious relationship flaws we have, I’m quickly told that I’m simply unmotivated to do anything, a cry baby, obsessed with intimacy, and if I built this house I would maybe notice a change in the bedroom.
I know intimacy isn’t the gold standard when deducing the health of a relationship, but I’d like to think it’s some indicator on how things are going?
But they have other problems as well.
Lack of intimacy isn’t our only issue.
We simply don’t get along.
Maybe the lack of intimacy is having a knock-on impact on our relationship?
I don’t know anymore. It’s been so long.
He’s kind of confused by his wife’s request.
I can’t foresee a future where I’d be comfortable building a house at huge expense with a person I have such a strained relationship with.
Her attitude is to build the house, then work on the relationship. Is she right?
I can’t understand why she would want to build a house with me, but not be intimate.
He partially sees her point.
She tells me I’m failing my kids by not giving them a better home.
And I agree to an extent. But I’m scared to start such a huge undertaking that would leave me financially stretched & vulnerable with a person I don’t trust to have my best interests at heart.
Maybe she is right. I’ve no idea.
He’s not sure what to think.
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I dont talk to my friends, or anyone for that matter, about this sort of stuff.
Maybe I have a normal enough realtionship dynamic? Is this just marriage? Should I stop being a cry baby and just get on with it? AITAH?
Searching for some guidance.
It sounds like their marriage is on life support. Have they thought about marriage counseling? Marriage can definitely be harder when kids enter the picture, but they need to remember why they got married in the first place.
Let’s see what Reddit suggests.
This person suggests marriage counseling.
Another person thinks they both need counseling.
This person urges them to work on their marriage first.
If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a woman who finally blew up after years of being treated as the second-best sibling.
Finally, this person thinks the wife has a plan.
They need counseling. I’m not sure what exactly happened after the second baby was born, but they need to work through whatever it was. I feel optimistic that they can work through their problems if they go to marriage counseling. There seems to be a clear starting point to when the problems started, so if they can fix whatever broke, they could move forward with building the dream house.
He needs to tell his wife he’ll only submit the plans after they go to marriage counseling. If they can’t rekindle the romance, they shouldn’t build the house.
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