There are so many people out there waving red flags from the start of relationships that it can be super confusing when someone whips one out of nowhere 8 years in.

OP had been with her boyfriend 5 years when they got married in 2019. Shortly afterward, OP got Covid that landed her in the hospital. She ended up with long Covid and complications that were medically significant and resulted in her not being herself physically.

So, my husband (37M – let’s call him Mark) and I (34F) have been having a rough few years. We got married in the fall of 2019 after being together for 5 years before then, and of course a few months after that the pandemic hit.

I had the misfortune of getting a pretty bad case of Covid near the beginning of the pandemic (was hospitalized for two weeks) which turned into long Covid. I wasn’t completely disabled but dealt with a lot of the typical symptoms – extreme fatigue, brain fog, reduced immune system generally resulting in several bad infections, etc.

She also couldn’t contribute financially, which resulted in them racking up some debt.

I didn’t lose my job but did have to take intermittent FMLA which meant a lot of time without pay, and we racked up $20K in debt between the medical bills not covered by insurance and loss of some of my income.

Although I tried to be mindful of my eating, I also gained 45 pounds thanks to being on antidepressants, several rounds of steroid medication, and not being able to exercise.

Through all this, Mark was incredibly loving and supportive – he never said a bad word about my weight, lack of energy, or inability to contribute financially at the same level as before.

A year or so ago she started to feel better and they got the debt paid off, and in the spirit of celebration, her husband and she made plans to go to dinner and the Barbie movie for her birthday.

Finally, last summer I started to feel a lot better, and most of the long Covid symptoms subsided. I was able to return to work full-time, and had energy to work out again. In the past year, we have paid off all our debt and rebuilt our emergency fund, and I have lost 35 of the 45 pounds I gained (my doctor says this is a good place for me to end up, I was borderline underweight before and am now on the slimmer side of a normal/healthy weight).

Mark and I hadn’t been having many date nights since we got married between the pandemic, my illness, and then for the past year working to get our finances in order. However, to celebrate my birthday, we decided to have dinner at an upscale bistro and then go see the Barbie movie (he actually suggested the movie).

On the day of, he got very upset – out of nowhere – about what she chose to wear. He called her names and shouted at her.

OP was confused and tried changing a couple of times, then got exasperated and told him to just pick her something, at which point he stormed out and didn’t come back until late.

This was last Saturday – my actual birthday wasn’t for a few more days but we wanted to go on the weekend. I was excited to dress up as – most of my clothes had gotten baggy and drab during my illness and weight gain but I was finally feeling comfortable in my own skin again. I decided to go full Barbiecore – pink sleeveless dress (fitted at the top and then flared out) and pink kitten heels with a matching bag. (The money for the outfit came from a birthday check from my mom – she insisted that I spend it on “something fun.”)

When I put on the outfit, I felt really pretty for the first time in a long time…unfortunately and surprisingly, Mark reacted badly to it. He said I looked “slutty” and “attention-seeking” and essentially accused me of trying to get the attention of other men and that I should cover up more. I protested because…first of all…we were going to a restaurant (table for 2) and a movie theater…when exactly was I going to be interacting socially with other men?!

Also, the outfit was quite dramatic and striking but it wasn’t revealing…sleeveless dresses are pretty normal date night wear for a hot summer day, and it wasn’t low-cut (neckline was at the collarbone), and was on the longer side (calf-length). But I didn’t want to argue so I put on a black knit cardigan over the dress. Nope, still no dice for Mark, he said it was still attention-seeking.

At this point, I really wanted to get going and not miss our reservation, so I gave up on the dress and changed into fitted jeans and a pastel pink tunic top (not fitted). Nope, said Mark, I still looked like I was trying to attract other men.

So I threw on a hoodie over the top but then he said I looked sloppy. I was really exasperated by this point and asked if he just wanted to come to my closet to pick an outfit that was acceptable, and he started yelling that I was too stupid to even understand that I was disrespecting him and that I didn’t know how to dress myself.

Then he said he was going for a drive and going to the movie without me (the tickets were on his phone).

He came home after midnight, said he didn’t want to talk and that he was going to sleep in the guest room.

She was too shocked at this completely out-of-the-blue behavior to process it, and when he came home he refused to talk to her about whatever was going on.

He has barely spoken to me since. My actual birthday was a couple days ago and he didn’t even acknowledge it. I begged him to please talk to me and tell me what was really going on but he said he was still too angry.

So, AITAH for not trying to change my clothes yet again before our date for my birthday? I still don’t know what he was really upset about or what sort of outfit would have been acceptable.

And no, he’s never once tried to make rules about what I could wear or commented at all on my clothes except to tell me that I looked nice or that he liked certain colors on me.

This really came out of nowhere as far as I can tell. And again he selected the Barbie movie and planned the date so it’s not like I was strong-arming him into plans he didn’t want.

That’s when she came to Reddit, asking for advice.

The top comment says this is entirely a “him” problem.

This person suggested that the husband could be the one with something to hide.

This comment says there is absolutely a reason for the switch in behavior and OP needs to get to the bottom of it.

They all agree something deeper must be going on here.

This commenter advises OP to confront him.

She did post an update later stating that they had talked and he had begun an affair while she was ill because of “stress and loneliness” and had fallen in love with one of his affair partners.

He actually took her to see Barbie and to dinner. On OP’s birthday.

So, they’re getting a divorce and I think OP should probably throw a party.

Yikes.