Family Money Debate: Woman Wants Limits After In-Laws’ Visit Costs $10,000
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Family visits can become a lot when one side expects you to cover almost everything.
One woman learned that after spending around $10,000 while hosting her husband’s sister and her partner for three months.
Now they’re planning another visit, and she doesn’t want to repeat the same experience.
To prevent it from happening, she suggested setting limits on how much they spend and how long everyone stays.
The only problem is that her husband thinks that sounds too cheap and transactional.
Read on to see what you think about their dilemma.
AITA for wanting to set boundaries with my husband’s family after we spent $10k hosting them in a VHCOL city?
My husband and I (mid- to late 30s) are debating whether I am being unfair toward his family with the boundaries I want to set forth.
In his family, more financially successful relatives are expected to pay for everything when family visits, and there isn’t much expectation of equal reciprocation.
A few years ago, my husband’s sister and her partner (late 30s) stayed with us for 3 months. Between dining out, groceries, and other expenses, it cost us around $10k.
She doesn’t expect everything to be equal, but right now, it’s very one-sided.
They cooked frequently and occasionally picked up smaller expenses (a coffee or pastry here and there), but I felt they felt entitled to our time, money, and space.
They invited people over without asking us, offered for us to pay for other people, and even booked their flights without asking us to host.
By choice, his sister is part-time and the partner is unemployed. My husband and I work very hard and are fortunate to be high earners in a VHCOL location. So I don’t expect everything to be split 50/50, but at the same time, I’ve started feeling resentful toward this setup.
Basically, he doesn’t let her have a say in how her money is spent.
We also fully treat meals for his parents, siblings, and younger cousins (and any SOs or friends) whenever they come to stay with us, and sometimes even when on vacation in other countries.
I also think this is greater than just a financial burden. I feel as if I’m forced to subscribe to these rules that I don’t find fair, and I don’t have a say in how to spend my own time, money, and energy.
So here’s the main dilemma.
His family wants to visit again, but she wants to set boundaries first.
His sister and partner are planning to stay over again next year, and I want to set some boundaries.
1) We can spend up to $3k/year of net expenses on his family, 2) Up to 10 days’ continuous time together (and specifically staying at our house), 3) Up to 14 days a year I spend with his family (he can spend unlimited time with them if he wants to see them in Asia).
He thinks I’m being cheap toward family. Do these boundaries sound reasonable, or too transactional for family?
AITA?
Wow! It does sound like his family takes advantage of their financial situation.
Let’s see if the readers over at Reddit agree.
This person thinks they try to stay way too long.
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According to this comment, her “boundaries” are still too nice.
This sounds crazy, but they kinda do.
If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a group of friends who were denied a townhome lease because they’re not considered a “family.”
Exactly!
She has every right to set some boundaries here.
Spending $10,000 and hosting people for three months is a lot, especially when they seem to expect that kind of treatment every time.
And while her husband may see it as helping family, she still gets a say in how they spend their money and how long people stay in their home.
If they don’t work this out now, she’s really going to start resenting him eventually.
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