Imagine being a parent with adult children who are dating and leaning towards marriage in the not too distant future. If you thought the potential future spouse was not financially stable, would you advise your child not to marry them, or would you stay out of it?

In this story, one woman is in this situation. She worries about her daughter marrying someone who is struggling financially, and then if they have kids, that will just add to their financial problems.

She made a list of what she thinks her daughter deserves in a spouse, and her friends were pretty critical about it. Now, she’s wondering if her concerns are valid or if she should mind her own business.

Let’s read the whole story to decide.

AITH for believing money plays a part in “successful” relationships?

I am an old woman who has a grown daughter (32), who is the single parent of my favorite grandson. (Note… we both only have one child)

My lineage of women is cursed with genetically broken “pickers”. (Trauma breeds trauma, folks)

My daughter often laments to me and online about wanting a partner who is… basically… a real partner. Someone who is involved at an approximate 50% capacity without being nagged.

But it’s not always easy to find what you’re looking for.

She is in a ltr with someone who ad demonstrated an unwillingness to do so.

I believe she is about to get engaged, and so I had this gripping fear and a desire to save her from committing to a marriage with someone who is refusing to partner at the level she finds acceptable.

So, I did what I do… and I wrote up a list of “what my daughter deserves” and I sent it to two of my friends for constructive criticism. (I do this often when big emotions overwhelm me, because I believe it’s important not to automatically respond with every emotion and thought that comes up in these situations)

Here’s the list…

I’ll paste a copy here:

I believe my daughter deserves a partner who, at bare minimum: (actually I believe everyone does)

Loves and respects her enough to be faithful, loving, trustworthy, honest, and kind

Doesn’t just say, but demonstrates partner behavior. Doing so by taking initiative in the upkeep and betterment of self, home, and family. (doing so with the same self urgency that compels one to go to a bathroom rather than dancing around like a child who has to be prompted to go)Be willing to research and learn about what you don’t know, instead of expecting your partner to be your teacher or parent.

The list continues…

Can and will fund 50% of any and all expenses for the hh(current and with any future changes/additions), without diminishing financial and physical responsibilities for any current children.

Be someone willing to seek professional help, learn, and grow (alone and/or with their partner).

Is there anything above that you feel she does not deserve or anything you feel you cannot fulfill?

I believe she should be able to do the same for any partner she chooses.

Here’s how the friends responded…

Important to note that when I sent this to my friends for critique, I also said that I’m doing this more for my own sanity and that this isn’t something I would send unprompted, but would only say to both of them together after asked my thoughts or opinions.

Well, feedback I did receive!

Some of it landed hard but well. Primarily being, at the end of the day… not my life, stay the heck out of it. (I’m paraphrasing here, but it’s the most important take away, I’m telling myself! )

However, there was one piece that had me questioning… AITA…

Here’s the criticism…

One of the two came back saying my thoughts on money were bad and that I was placing value on a person when love should be all that matters.

I countered on this point and said that money should not matter when deciding love, no, but it should when it comes to planning a life with someone.

(In this specific instance, guy has two other kids he struggles with financially already. More kids means less money… and my daughter wants more kids. So who suffers? Existing kids? Future kids? I believe there should be consideration for this reality and a plan for it before jumping in)

OP is wondering if she’s wrong.

Now… on a broader scale… I believe this is something that the two parties in a relationship should agree upon before marriage and be willing/able to communicate and adjust as life tosses curveballs.

For me… it’s about communication and caring for kids.

He disagreed with me and basically said I was a jerk for even believing money should factor into marriage.

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AITH for believing you should be able to financially support existing children and yourself before getting married and having more children?

It is good to think about finances when deciding to get married and having children. Kids are expensive!

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a young woman who struggles with her new reality after learning her adoption story was a lie.

Let’s see how Reddit responded.

This person points out that real life is not a fairytale.

This person agrees with her concerns.

Another person has questions.

But this person doesn’t think she’s being fair.

I disagree with that last comment. In OP’s letter, she does say that her daughter should be able to do the same things for her partner as she expects the partner to do for her daughter, so I don’t think she expects the partner to pay for everything. She just doesn’t want her daughter to be stuck paying all the bills.

Honestly, the daughter and her partner aren’t going to respond well to this letter. She could advise them to think about finances before having anymore children, but if the couple is in love, they won’t care what the mother thinks. She’s going to have to let them make their own decisions.

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a woman who is feeling guilty about having an unauthorized car towed from her assigned spot.