Visiting family when you live abroad already sounds exhausting enough. There are flights, jet lag, a toddler whose schedule has presumably gone out the window and the delicate task of dividing a limited number of days between two families without anyone secretly keeping score.

Unfortunately, one mother says her mother-in-law is very much keeping score.

For more than a decade, she’s struggled with what she describes as a double standard in her husband’s family. Her husband can visit her parents as their son-in-law without taking on a special role, but she’s expected to behave differently as a daughter-in-law—spending more time with his family, helping more around the house and adhering to traditions she didn’t grow up with.

Cultural and family differences can certainly require some compromise. But she says the problem has gradually become less about unfamiliar customs and more about feeling consistently criticized, dismissed and disrespected.

Now that she’s also responsible for a 2-year-old, she’s decided she doesn’t want to stay under her mother-in-law’s roof anymore. And if Mom isn’t staying there, neither is her toddler.

That’s where an already complicated family dynamic has gotten even more complicated.

AITA for refusing to stay at my in-laws’ house and not wanting my young child to stay there without me?

I (35F) have been with my husband (37M) for over a decade and we have been married for several years. We currently live abroad, while both of our families live in the UK. We have a 2-year-old daughter.

The issue I am struggling with is around expectations from my husband’s family, particularly my mother-in-law (MIL).

When we visit home, we split our time between both families. There is no expectation that my husband should spend more time at my parents’ house because he is their son-in-law. However, there is an expectation that I should spend more time at my in-laws’ house because I am the daughter-in-law. If my husband stays at my parents’ house, my MIL will often call asking when he is coming back. She doesn’t directly say he cannot stay there, but it is clear she is unhappy about it.

That doesn’t seem right.

My in-laws are also much more traditional than the family I grew up in. There are expectations around being a daughter-in-law that I did not grow up with, such as me taking on more household responsibilities when extended family is around and following certain customs that are not expected of my husband. These differences in values have always been difficult for me.

I could probably accept those differences if I otherwise felt loved and welcomed, but over the years I have increasingly felt criticised and judged.

My FIL was the person who made me feel most welcome in the family. Since his passing, my relationship with my MIL has become much harder. She frequently makes comments that make me feel disrespected as a wife and mother.

How difficult.

For example, when my daughter refused to eat (she is extremely fussy and this is something we struggle with), my MIL called me a “heartless mother” for eating my own meal instead of staying hungry while trying to get her to eat.

On another occasion, in front of relatives, she said her son was “completely whipped” because of our relationship. She has also told me in front of my own family that I need to “learn how to balance both families.”

I have tried addressing these issues with her because I genuinely wanted a better relationship. However, she usually tells me I am overreacting, that I am too sensitive, or denies that things happened even when I know they did.

That’s ridiculous.

Now that we have a toddler, this has become harder. Travelling between houses is already exhausting, and I no longer feel comfortable staying at my in-laws’ house.

I also do not want my daughter staying there without me. My MIL has ignored parenting preferences I have clearly communicated before, and because my concerns are dismissed, I don’t feel confident my boundaries would be respected when I am not there.

My husband is caught in the middle. I understand he wants his family to have a relationship with our daughter, and I don’t want to prevent that. However, I also feel I shouldn’t have to put myself or my child in a situation where I don’t feel respected just to avoid family conflict.

Commenters largely sided with the mother, calling her NTA and pointing out that wanting a relationship with a grandchild doesn’t automatically entitle someone to overnight visits—or require that child’s mother to tolerate being repeatedly disrespected.

There are really two separate boundaries here, and both seem reasonable. She doesn’t want to stay in a house where she’s uncomfortable, and she doesn’t want her 2-year-old staying there without her. The second becomes particularly understandable if her mother-in-law has already ignored parenting preferences and responds to concerns by calling her overly sensitive or denying that incidents happened.

A toddler also doesn’t need independent overnight stays with Grandma in order to have a meaningful relationship with her. Her husband can spend time with his mother. They can arrange visits during the day. Grandma can see her granddaughter with both parents present. There are plenty of options between “sleep at MIL’s house” and “cut MIL out of the child’s life entirely.”

The bigger issue, though, may be the husband’s position “in the middle.” Commenters pushed back on that framing because this isn’t really a dispute between two unrelated people he’s unfortunately stuck between. This is his marriage, his child and his family of origin. If his mother calls his wife heartless, humiliates her in front of relatives or refuses to respect their parenting decisions, he has a role in addressing that.

Compromise works when both sides are adjusting. It doesn’t work when one person is repeatedly expected to swallow her discomfort because challenging the family dynamic would upset everyone else.

Nobody is preventing Grandma from having a relationship with her granddaughter. Mom is simply deciding the conditions under which she’s comfortable allowing that relationship to happen—and after years of being told she’s too sensitive whenever she raises a concern, it’s not particularly surprising that trust is in short supply.

This person has one more: NO.

This person says her husband is kind of a jerk and needs to step up.

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about an uncle who is surprised to find his niece’s birthday party all about him after one unkind comment.

And this person says OP is absolutely not obligated to do this.

If Grandma wants more access to the granddaughter, respecting the granddaughter’s mother would be a pretty good place to start.