Her Mother Abandoned the Family Years Ago—Now She Wants Contact as an Adult, but Her Dad Is Demanding Her Absolute Loyalty
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When a parent abandons their young child, it can cause horrible emotional pain that can last a lifetime.
That is what happened to the woman in this story, and now that she is an adult, she wants to reach out to her mother to try to get some closure, but her dad thinks that it is a bad idea.
She still wants to try to reconnect with her mother, but doesn’t want to upset or disappoint her dad, so she doesn’t know what to do.
This is obviously a difficult and painful situation. Whatever she does, she should go into it with low expectations because it is unlikely that she will get the closure she desires. Read through the full story below and see what you think she should do.
WIBTAH for contacting my mom, who left me, even though my dad doesn’t want me to?
I (23F) was at launch with my dad (71M) yesterday, and at some point our conversation shifted to my mom.
What an awful thing to do.
She was a stay at home mom, and my dad was the breadwinner. For context, my mom is Thai and my dad is Italian. He met her on a work trip, she moved to Italy, and he spent a lot of money on her, including buying houses under her name.
When she left (I was 5), she took a large amount of money from him. Granted, all of this has been told to me by my dad so the narrative could be biased.
This must have been traumatic.
When I found out about it, I was pretty numb, she had actually told me she was leaving the night before, but when I started crying she told me she was joking.
I vividly remember my dad coming to pick me up from kindergarten with a stressed expression telling me “mom has left” and me responding “I know” with a deadpan face.
Contacting her daughter and getting back with the father are two different things.
From that moment on everything went downhill psychologically for me. It has left me with deep scars I’m still healing from, it has given me trust and commitment issues, and I later developed clinical depression and anxiety. Since then, I’ve lived with my dad’s sister since he was often away for work.
When I turned 18, my mom’s sister contacted my dad and she told him that my mom missed me and that she wanted to get back together with my dad. My dad said that he would talk to me about it.
Yeah, she is clearly trying to get more money.
Then my dad talked to my aunt’s husband too, who told him that my mom was apparently married? Or that, at least, him and his wife had attended her wedding 2 years prior.
When my dad told me about all of this, we agreed that it was ridiculous and that she was probably after more money. I told him I didn’t want to meet her because I felt like I had nothing to tell her.
Dad is clearly still bitter. Understandably so.
A few months ago, I found my aunt’s Facebook and eventually found my mom. I barely recognized her because she has gotten plastic surgery. Sometimes I check on her profile, where I see her post pictures in an influencer-style, with expensive bags and clothes, seemingly enjoying her life. She doesn’t seem to have other children.
Yesterday, I told my dad I sometimes think about reaching out to her, just out of curiosity, and he was strongly against it, saying that never hearing from me again is her punishment for leaving me and that I shouldn’t give her the satisfaction of reaching out, that she should live in regret for the rest of her life and that if I messaged her I would basically let her win.
This really isn’t about the dad at all.
I’m conflicted because I understand where he’s coming from, but at this point I don’t even think she feels regret. On the other hand, I don’t know if maybe hearing from her will give me some closure or some emotional epiphany.
I honestly feel like not much would change, I’d just ask her if she is doing well and if she has a companion or the like.
His feelings are understandable, but not the point here.
My dad told me to do what I want, but that he’s firmly against it. Knowing my dad though, I feel like that “do what you want” isn’t genuine and should he learn about it he would be very mad.
WIBTAH?
She should feel free to reach out to her mother, but she shouldn’t expect much closure or healing from it. Her father should be more supportive and try to put his own emotions aside.
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Let’s see what the people in the comments have to say about this story.
This sums it up quite well.
Getting some therapy for this is a good idea.
Dad’s opinion is just his own.
If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about an adult child who feels like their family is asking them to donate to a fundraiser beyond their means.
Here is some advice from someone who was abandoned.
This commenter says to protect herself first.
Whatever she decides, she will likely get hurt, but hopefully that can lead to healing. She really needs to do what is in her own best interests.
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