As your parents get older, your relationship with them will often change in many ways. This continues throughout your and their life.

What would you do if now that you are on your own with a husband and kids, your Mother seems to be needing a lot more attention, reassurance, and emotional support than she ever did before?

That is what is happening to the daughter in this story, and while she loves her mom and wants to be there for her, it is never enough, no matter what she does. It has gotten to the point where her mom’s constant need for attention is putting a strain on their relationship, and she doesn’t know what to do.

I think that this is a common, but very difficult issue that parents and kids run into in life. Unfortunately, there isn’t often a lot you can do to fix it. Read through the full details below and see what you think this loving daughter should do.

AITAH for pulling back from my mother even though she raised me almost alone and helped me a lot financially?

I am in my 30s, married, and have a toddler. My father was barely present when I was growing up, so it was mostly just my mom and me.

Raising a child on your own is never easy.

Although she had support from my grandparents, she handled a lot by herself, worked hard, managed things financially, and always made sure I was supported.

I moved abroad after school, so our relationship was close but mostly long-distance. A few years ago after retiring, she moved to the same country as me.

Offering advice is fine, but too much trouble can cause problems.

Since then, we’ve had much more direct contact, and I’ve started to notice things in our relationship that were easier to ignore when we lived far apart.

She can be very controlling, for example she tried to pressured me to marry my ex, even though she didn’t even really like him and I knew he wasn’t right for me. Her view was that since I was already in my late 20s, it was still better to marry and have children than be alone :/

People should keep private things private.

After that relationship ended, I met my now-husband. When we were struggling with fertility, she told relatives about it to ask for advice.

I know she probably meant well, but I was angry because to me, it was nobody else’s business.

In her defense, when you get older, some people dwell on their health. Aging and death is scary.

My husband and I eventually had our son. My mom helped us a lot in the beginning, and I’m grateful. But for the past year or more, she has changed a lot.

Almost every conversation with her now revolved around her health. She has had many medical checks, and doctors say she is healthy and fit for her age. Still, she literally said a couple of times that she does not have much time left to live.

Of course, they are living a parallel life. Mom is in a very different phase of life than them.

She moved in with us for a while, but it didn’t work out. We argued a lot because she felt we were living a “parallel life” while she was in the same home.

From my perspective, we weren’t excluding her on purpose. My husband and I both work, have a toddler, and our days revolve around work, childcare, meals, and house chores.

It is possible that she is just lonely.

She is retired and has much more free time, so I think she expected a level of attention and togetherness we simply couldn’t provide.

She also didn’t seem interested in joining our family life, rarely wanted to come along on weekend outings with us and our son, and mostly wanted to talk about herself and her health.

Maybe Mom just needs a little extra support right now.

She wasn’t helping take care of our son anymore, which is fine, but it meant we had little family support and almost no free time. After a big argument, I told her she needed to move out.

Since then, I’ve reduced contact. We still talk on the phone a few times a week because she lives in another city. Honestly, I still find even that exhausting because the conversations still revolve entirely around her health, and she rarely asks how we or her grandson are doing.

There is only so much support that you can provide.

It’s not that I wouldn’t support her if she had an actual health issue and needed real help. Of course I would. But right now, what she seems to need is constant emotional attention like a child.

I understand that she probably also has mental health issues, but she does not want professional help. I have offered to help arrange household support, but she refuses.

It isn’t right that Mom is trying to guilt her into supporting her more.

With a toddler, work, and my own anxiety and sleep problems, I need to protect my own mental health too. I need to be okay enough to be the mother I want to be, and I can’t let myself get dragged down completely.

She is disappointed and often brings up everything she has done for me. Sometimes she says that if our relationship continues like this, I shouldn’t expect to inherit anything. She also brings up the financial support she has given me over the years.

The daughter seems to have the right attitude here.

I am grateful for her help. Most of that money went into the down payment for our house, so it is not something I can simply hand back or undo. But it was her decision to give it, and I was not a commitment from me that if I take the money, I would organize my life around her needs.

If she doesn’t want to leave me anything in the future that is totally fine. I would rather she use her money for healthcare, therapy, household support, or whatever helps her.

This is very reasonable.

But I cannot become her full-time caretaker or emotional support system, and I don’t want to quit my job or give up my own life to fill that role.

AITA?

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What a terribly difficult situation to be in. This daughter clearly loves her Mom, but she can’t be everything that her Mom wants in life right now. Mom needs some help, some friends, and some understanding, I think.

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a woman who stirred up family drama by finally choosing her own mom over her in-laws.

Read on to see what the people think about this situation and what can be done about it.

Dementia is such a terrible condition.

I agree, a good therapist will be helpful.

Every relationship is different. Some families talk a lot more than others.

Raising your kids is not something you get repaid for.

A hobby would really help the mother in this situation.

Mom needs some hobbies, or to do some volunteering, or something to keep her busy. It is not fair to the daughter to expect her to spend all of her time caring for Mom.

The daughter may benefit from some type of therapy or counseling to deal with guilt or other emotions that may come up because of this.

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a middle schooler who was totally frazzled after being left to babysit alone for 3-plus hours, and swears she’s never doing it again.