When you are living with a roommate, you have to expect that you will have different standards on a variety of things, and in many cases, you just have to live with it.

What would you do if your roommate was an absolute slob and never cleaned anything up, and you were a bit of a neat freak?

That is what the guy in this story is dealing with, and while he knows he can’t expect the house to be kept spotless at all times, he is tired of constantly cleaning up after his roommate, so he wants to confront him, but doesn’t know how.

This is undoubtedly going to be a difficult conversation. Read through the full story and see how you think he should handle it.

Am I expecting too much from my housemate when it comes to cleaning?

I live with one housemate who I genuinely really like and get along with, but we have very different standards when it comes to cleaning and it’s starting to become an issue.

Living with someone who has different standards of cleanliness can be difficult.

I’ll admit I probably have higher cleanliness standards than him. I like the communal areas, especially the kitchen and bathroom, to be kept clean and tidy.

I know living with someone means I can’t expect the house to always be exactly how I would keep it if I lived alone though, and I’m definitely not expecting it to be spotless 24/7.

It seems that the roommate acknowledges that he isn’t as clean as this guy.

I’ve lived with quite a few different people over the last few years and I’ve never really had this problem before, which is partly why I don’t think what I’m asking for is that unreasonable.

I’ve never had to repeatedly ask housemates to clean up after themselves or had disagreements about how clean the shared spaces should be.

When we first moved in together, he actually said he was conscious that I was doing more of the cleaning and asked if I wanted to have a cleaning rotation.

Coming to some sort of agreement is important.

I said no because I’d never had one before and honestly thought it sounded a bit intense. I basically said as long as we’re both doing our share it’ll be fine. He said he was glad I’d said that because he thought rotations could be a bit extreme too.

Now I’m wondering if a rotation is actually my only option lol.

This seems like very basic housework.

The dishwasher is probably the biggest ongoing thing. He basically never fills or empties it. He’ll use plates, glasses, pans etc and just leave them on the kitchen sides, sometimes for days. I either eventually have to ask him to put them away or I end up dealing with it because I need to use the kitchen.

All I’ve really asked is that we put things straight into the dishwasher, empty it when it’s clean, wipe the worktops after cooking, don’t leave food and crumbs everywhere, clear rubbish and used cups/plates and both contribute to the actual cleaning.

Yeah, this is pretty gross.

There’s also something he does with the kitchen worktops that I find pretty gross. Sometimes, instead of actually wiping them down, he’ll sweep the crumbs off using the same dustpan and brush that we use on the floors.

The floors themselves only get mopped around once a month. He then doesn’t wipe or disinfect the worktops afterwards, so as far as he’s concerned they’ve been cleaned.

Considering these are the surfaces where we prepare food, I really don’t like a brush that’s been all over the floor being used on them and then nothing being used to actually clean the surface afterwards.

He clearly doesn’t care about this type of thing.

This is one of the things that makes me wonder if we just have completely different definitions of what “clean” means. I don’t personally think expecting a food preparation surface to be wiped down with a clean cloth/spray rather than swept with the floor brush is an unusually high standard.

There are also loads of little household things where I feel like I’m the only person who actually finishes the whole job.

Tea towels are a good example. I’m always the one who puts the dirty ones in the washing machine and hangs them up to dry. They can then sit there dry for days, and if he does eventually take them down he’ll just put them on the dining table rather than fold them and put them back in the drawer, so I end up doing that too.

All the little things can add up.

I know complaining about tea towels sounds ridiculously petty lol. I genuinely don’t care about one tea towel being left on a table. It’s more that there are loads of little things like that where I feel like I’m the person who notices the job needs doing, starts it and then actually finishes it.

We also have very different ideas about how often things need cleaning. He thinks the kitchen and bathroom only really need a proper/deep clean about once a month.

I think that’s nowhere near enough for a shared kitchen and bathroom, especially somewhere you’re preparing food every day.

He isn’t shy about being sloppy.

I’ve brought this up with him quite a few times now, and I’ve explained that coming into a dirty kitchen or bathroom genuinely makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home.

He’s acknowledged that and said he understands and wouldn’t want to make me uncomfortable, but then nothing really changes. The most recent thing was when I went away for a few days.

Before I left we did a big deep clean together. At one point he said I needed to “lower my expectations” about what the house would look like when I got back.

Let’s see if he actually follows through.

I was a bit confused by that because I obviously wasn’t expecting him to deep clean the whole house again while I was away. We’d literally just done it. I just expected him to keep it reasonably clean while I was gone and clean up after himself.

I’d also wanted to clean the fridge while we were doing the deep clean because it hadn’t been properly cleaned for about two months and I was the one who did it last time.

He told me not to bother because we were both going away and the fridge would need emptying anyway. He said he’d empty it and deep clean it while I was away, so I left it.

It is surprising they haven’t gotten bugs or mice.

When I got home, the fridge hadn’t been cleaned at all. It’s also not just a case of the fridge being a bit grubby. It’s full of his old food that has gone moldy, including vegetables that have literally decomposed to the point they’ve turned to liquid.

That was partly why I’d wanted to sort it before we went away in the first place. There was also rubbish and used cups left on the table, food and crumbs on the kitchen worktops, and the dishwasher was completely full of clean dishes that hadn’t been emptied.

This is repulsive.

I ended up emptying the dishwasher myself because leaving it there was just going to inconvenience me. I needed the stuff in it and otherwise I’d have to start washing everything I used by hand.

He’s now been home for nearly a week and the things he left before going away still haven’t been dealt with either, including the fridge he specifically said he would clean. The moldy/liquid food is still sitting in there. So, I don’t really feel like it’s a case of him just being rushed before going away.

Things being asked of the roommate aren’t excessive.

I think that’s why I’m getting frustrated now. It’s not really about one messy kitchen, one load of dishes, or one tea towel. We’ve had basically the same conversation multiple times.

Whenever he asks me to do something differently around the house I make an effort to do it straight away, or as soon as I can. I just see that as respecting the person you live with.

He has made it pretty clear that he is not going to change.

So, when I’ve explained several times that something is important to me and makes me uncomfortable, he says he understands, but then keeps doing the same things, it’s honestly starting to feel a bit disrespectful and like what I’m asking isn’t being taken seriously.

I don’t want to get to the point where I resent him because I actually really like him and enjoy living with him outside of this. But I can feel myself getting more annoyed every time I come into the kitchen and find the same things I’ve already asked about.

I’m also struggling with the whole “lower your expectations” thing.

The house should be kept up to a minimum standard, and it is not.

I completely understand that I need to lower my expectations from “the house should always be kept exactly how I would personally keep it”. That’s obviously not realistic when you live with someone else.

But, I don’t think lowering my expectations should mean being okay with dishes sitting on the kitchen sides for days, food being left on worktops, rubbish being left around, moldy food being left in the fridge until it literally liquefies, the dishwasher not being filled or emptied, jobs being half done and left for me to finish, floor cleaning equipment being used on food preparation surfaces without wiping them afterwards, or the kitchen and bathroom only being properly cleaned once a month.

That cleaning rotation is sounding better and better.

I also really don’t want to get into a situation where I’m the person who notices everything, asks him to do it, reminds him and then eventually just does it myself. And I don’t think I should automatically end up doing more because I’m the one who gets bothered by the mess first.

Which brings me back to the rotation. Ironically, he was the one who suggested one when we first moved in because he was worried I might end up doing more.

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I said no because I’d never needed one with anyone else and thought two adults could just both do their share without needing assigned chores.

Getting everything on a schedule is a good idea.

Now I’m wondering if I was wrong and a rotation is actually the only way this is going to work. I don’t particularly want one because it feels a bit regimented, but clearly the “we’ll both just do our share” approach isn’t really working.

One other thing that’s been playing on my mind, although I genuinely don’t know if it’s relevant. When we were moving in together, I was under the impression that his previous house was basically breaking up and everyone was moving out, hence him needing somewhere new to live.

It seems obvious that he was told to leave because he is a slob.

I’ve since found out that actually only one person left and two of his old housemates stayed and were looking for new people to move in.

I have absolutely no idea whether that had anything to do with him or cleaning, and I don’t want to make assumptions when I have no evidence of that.

But now that I’m having these problems with him, I’d be lying if I said it hadn’t made me wonder whether he’s had similar issues living with other people before.

Talking to him while calm is the right move.

I’m planning to talk to him about all of this in person rather than sending a huge message because I don’t want him to feel attacked.

I genuinely like living with him and I want to actually sort this out while we still get along rather than waiting until I’m properly resentful.

There is no way around the fact that this will be a difficult conversation.

So, how would you approach this conversation? Am I expecting too much or are these fairly normal expectations when you share a house? How much should the cleaner person have to lower their standards versus the messier person raising theirs?

Would you introduce a cleaning rotation at this point, and if you’ve lived with someone with very different standards, what actually worked?

Going into the conversation calmly and with the goal of finding solutions is the right move. At the end of the day, however, it is unlikely that this guy is going to change.

Let’s see what the people in the comments have to say about it.

The roommate has a serious problem, though.

A little shaming can’t hurt.

Very clear communication is the only option.

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a neighbor who takes advantage of an inexhaustive HOA-approved plant list.

Yeah, if he is ok with this, he is just a slob.

This commenter makes a good point.

These two are just incompatible as roommates, and he isn’t going to change. He should move out as soon as the lease is up.