Listen, we all have problems. Some of us have earned them and others seem to find them on accident, but they just make us human, right?

You might think people are genuinely asking about your life when they pose this question but they’re probably not – and if they’re going to ask a sassy question, you need a sassy answer at the ready.

People are the problem.

Well… In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

The hardest part.

Oh boy. Where to start.

An inside joke.

With my family, it’s usually predicated with “what the f**k is wrong with you?!”. The usual response is”I kill people and eat hands, that’s two things”.

For the record, it’s a reference to Llamas With Hats that we all know.

Because that will take even longer.

“you want them alphabetical or what?”

Never enough.

“Cookies. There is never enough.”

This confuses the foe. Optionally you can also start stripping. That might scare them enough to back off.

Alternatively they might mistake that for an invitation and… Surprise butt s^x. Depends on your taste that might be right up your alley.

Just go for confusion.

The story doesn’t make sense! If the truck full of pineapples left new York traveling at 35 mph and beats a train moving at 65 mph to jersey…. why is there a truck full of just pineapples?!? Does new jersey have a pineapple deficient population? Is there a pineapple cult? If there is a cult then is their God a pineapple? Or a pineapple bush?

TMI.

“I haven’t pooped in 6 days and the cramping is INTENSE”.

Oh dannnng.

I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you.

You know. All of it.

Inflation spiralling out of control, the housing shortage, cost of living increasing at alarming rates whilst stagnant wages push the middle class to lower class and lower class below the poverty line, the conflict in Ukraine and the ever looming threat of world war 3, right wing extremism, left wing extremism, the fact that everyone is now a product to mega corporations, that our politicians are brought and paid for by lobbyists who’s self serving agendas are destroying the planet or killing people, climate change teetering over its fulcrum ready to March toward the heat death of the planet…. In essence….

Nothing, sorry for inconveniencing you.

Just frighten them.

“Alot of things, mainly the voices.”

”I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD! THEY COUNCIL ME, THEY UNDERSTAND, THEY TALK TO ME~!” 🎶

As long as it makes you laugh.

My best friend and I were in a crowded elevator once, snickering about dumb shit when a man piped up with “what the f**k is your problem?!” … without hesitation I cleared my throat and said “I’ll get to that shortly.

I bet you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you here today…” blank stares – silence all around I had no further ideas so I looked up and said “that’s a nice piano” to which EVERYBODY looked.

We bailed on the next floor and it still makes us laugh until we cry today, nearly 10 years later.

A your mom joke.

Your moms chest hair is my problem.

She didn’t want to borrow my razor when I offered it. Probably a good thing, it’s come back blunt.

A classic for a reason.

“that is none of your business, and I’ll thank you for staying out of my affairs”

I’m going to keep some of these in my back pocket.

You feel free to do the same.