Grief has many phases, and there’s no way to get to the other side without going through them all. When you’re in the thick of it, it can be hard to see the forest for the trees.

OP lost her son and, aside from cleaning, has left his room untouched. She keeps the door closed but it’s unclear whether or not anyone has been given clear instructions to stay out.

My son recently died. I have not moved his stuff other than keeping it clean.

I usually leave the door to his room closed.

She watches her middle-school-aged nephews a few times a week and generally has no trouble with them. They’re good kids and even help out sometimes.

I pick up and babysit my two nephews for around an hour on weekdays, since their mom (my sister-in-law) gets off work too late to pick them up. They are 11 and 13.

Usually they are well behaved and do their own thing or even sometimes help me with chores.

On this particular day, all of the windows and doors were open because of a smell in the house, and when their mother arrived to get them, OP was shocked to find the boys playing with a guitar in her son’s room.

On Friday I was cooking a very pungent soup so I aired the whole house out by opening all the windows and doors. I should have left my son’s room closed in hindsight, but I think I opened it out of habit.

When their mom went to pick up her kids, I went to get them and saw them messing around with my son’s guitar. The older one was messing with the string screws while the younger one was plucking at the strings.

She melted down on them, yelling at them to put it down and to get out, to never go in there, until they were crying and her sister-in-law had to take them home.

I admittedly freaked out a lot and I raised my voice at them, which I have never done. I said, “What are you doing? Drop that right now! What are you even doing in his room? Get out! Never come in this room again!”

At that point they started crying, I pulled the guitar away, and their mother came in. She tried to mediate the situation and console them, but I told them all to get out of my house and they left.

The guitar was thankfully okay and not scratched.

Later, the SIL called and said she understood why OP freaked out and she was going to have her boys apologize – but she also thought OP owed them an apology for scaring them.

Their mom called me later to talk and apologized on their behalf, but told me that she thinks that we should all have a sit down and apologize to each other. She told me that I really scared her boys, and that although she thinks what I did was understandable, I overreacted in front of them. She told me that at the end of the day, they didn’t really do anything harmful and that they deserve an apology from me too.

I told her I do think that I overreacted but that I wasn’t sorry because they could’ve broke my son’s guitar. She told me that it’s extremely cruel to ever raise your voice at children and that I should be the bigger person.

Was I the asshole for doing that?

OP isn’t sure that’s true so she’s coming to Reddit for a little perspective.

The top comment says no one is wrong here, and OP should accept the olive branch.

They don’t blame OP but they do think she should set things right with her nephews.

This person says she should be clear about her expectations going forward.

And this comment talks about how important it is for kids to see adults do things like apologize.

This commenter says she shouldn’t apologize for getting upset, but how she spoke to them/scared them.

The commenters have it spot-on here.

You can apologize for scaring them but still let them know what they did was wrong and why.

A-plus.