Have you ever noticed that full-grown adults who lead proper adult lives sometimes descend into children when they’re back home with their families?

Sure there’s an element of tried and tested family roles in that, but for everyone to grow and relationships to develop healthily, that means treating one another as adults, even in the family home.

The man in this story knows this, but unfortunately it’s news to his girlfriend, her brother, and their parents – even though both ‘children’ are in their thirties.

And it’s having a really negative effect on his girlfriend’s life.

Read on to find out what happened to finally make him stand up for her, challenging the toxic family dynamics once and for all.

AITA for snapping at my brother-in-law and father-in-law at a family gathering?

I am a 30-year-old man with a long-term girlfriend (let’s call her G) who is also 30.

We’ve been dating for thirteen years and living together for seven years.

Recently, we were at a family event with twelve people in total, including her brother (‘B’, 32).

Her family would describe her brother as extroverted, light hearted and well intentioned.

Let’s see what happened to make this family gathering take an uncomfortable turn.

G has recently gotten a new car, from her job, and the insurance very specifically says only she is allowed to drive it.

This makes G (and myself) anxious to let other people – even me – drive it, who she would otherwise be more than happy to take the driver’s seat since she’s not comfortable driving.

B is the kind of person that enjoys having the attention of whatever group he’s in, when we’re hanging out and he shows up, the whole thing quickly turns into where is B going, what does B want to do, etc.

This has not changed in the thirteen years I’ve known this family.

Uh-oh. This is about to get messy.

There is a sibling bullying dynamic in that B messes with G any chance he gets, like they’re 10 years old.

The problem I have is that the parents don’t do – and evidently never have done – anything about it, they just laugh and wave it off as typical sibling behaviour, further enabling it.

At this gathering, G arrived and complained to her father that, as she was driving there, B – in the front seat – kept messing with her, the car, pressing all the buttons and honking the horn.

Their mother was in the car and obviously did nothing about it, and the father’s response was something along the lines of “you keep complaining about it, you only give him more reason to do it”.

So right from the start of this gathering I was a bit miffed, once again, at this enabling that happens constantly.

Let’s see how this tension finally boiled over.

After we ate we were playing some board games when B came over and asked for the car keys, G asked why he needed the keys, and their mother said “he’s just going to rest a little” (we were at some picnic tables in a small park).

G gave B the keys. Then, a few minutes later, we saw B driving the car down the road.

Everyone was just looking at it and smiling, like they always do “haha, there he goes, what a goofball.”

My line of thought is usually: this is infuriating but it’s not my place to handle it, usually I mention it to G when we get home in the hope she can have a conversation with her parents about it.

But this time was different.

Not this time: this time I lost it. I shouted at him to bring the car back, and started cussing in front of the kids, which G then started arguing with me about.

Their father and I then started arguing about B, and I told him (paraphrased) that B is a jerk, that it’s his responsibility as his parent and that he should be ashamed of B’s behaviour.

Naturally the father was upset, walked out of the game, and I walked out of the gathering.

My position on this family dynamic has been a pain point in mine and G’s relationship, and I wish I had the social skills to handle the whole thing a lot better.

AITA?

Sure it might not have been the time nor the place to have this argument, but after thirteen years it was inevitable that he’d stick up for his girlfriend at some point.

Not only did this whole situation cause a lot of anxiety for the man and his girlfriend, it was just one event in a long line of times in which he’d witnessed her older brother bullying her.

He probably should have said something years ago.

Let’s see what Reddit thought about this.

This person agreed that B effectively stole the car, and this man had every right to be furious.

And others suggested it was about time G put her foot down.

Meanwhile, some Redditors thought that both brother and sister needed to grow up.

And this person even turned it around on G for not standing up for herself years ago.

It’s clear that this family is holding onto some toxic patterns.

If you liked that post, check out this story about a guy who was forced to sleep on the couch at his wife’s family’s house, so he went to a hotel instead.