Setting boundaries with family is hard enough without a guilt trip waiting on the other end of the phone.

When a man’s brother landed an international conference trip and immediately tried to make him a 10-day live-in babysitter for his autistic nephew, he shut it down — and laid out exactly why.

Suddenly he became public enemy number one in the family group chat.

Keep reading for the full story.

AITAH for not babysitting my nephew for 10 days?

I (31M) moved back to LA from Texas for a new job.

My parents live here, as does my brother (40M), his wife, and my nephew Connor (16).

Connor is autistic, and while he’s made a lot of progress since he was 10, still struggles with a lot of things. He is nonverbal, stims often, and frequently has meltdowns.

His family has learned how to work with Connor, but he doesn’t feel like he has quite as good of a handle on Connor’s misbehavior.

My brother, his wife, his ex-wife, and my parents are the only ones really able to calm him down.

I regularly watch him once or twice a month so my brother and his wife can go see a movie or hang out. I do not watch him overnight or for several days consecutively, and it’s always at their house.

He thought his relationship with his brother had been on the mend.

After our argument last time, my brother and I have been on pretty good terms. He hasn’t really pushed boundaries about babysitting and we’ve mended our relationship quite a bit.

However, something came up recently that has us on rocky terms.

So when his brother got called to go on a work trip, it soon created a world of drama with who would watch Connor.

My brother recently got news that he was selected to attend a conference out of the country. The company is putting him up in a hotel for 10 days and while they won’t pay for his wife to go, they have no problems if he pays her airfare and covers everything so she can occupy the room with him.

I’m very happy my brother got this opportunity.

The issue is child care.

The conference happens to align with when my parents and sister are going to NYC for a week to celebrate my sister’s birthday. Nothing is refundable and my parents promised my sister this over a year ago.

The typical choices were out of the question, so he soon found himself the only choice.

His ex-wife — Connor’s biological mother — will also be out of town for work.

So that leaves me.

So when his brother asked him, he had several very detailed objections.

When he called me up to explain everything and ask, I told him “No.” However, I listed reasons for why I wouldn’t do it.

1. I live about 90 minutes away. Distance-wise, not that far, but LA traffic makes a lot of things more difficult than they should be. I don’t mind making the drive once or twice a month when I’m watching him, but I do not want to make it 10 days in a row. Connor cannot come to my place because I have a cat and he is allergic, as well as me having things around the house that are fragile. I do not WFH, and Connor would still be in school, so I would have to likely burn PTO to make it work logistically.
2. The longest I’ve watched Connor was about 6 hours. He had a meltdown near the end that I was unable to calm him down from, and it was only my brother and his wife getting back 20 minutes later that saved me. I cannot picture myself doing it for 10 days straight.
3. This one might sound really selfish, but I don’t want to set a precedent. If I watch him overnight even once, I know my brother and his wife would push it on me again. I don’t want that to be a thing.

He was happy to fill in the gap once in a while, but 10 days was just way too much.

I’m happy with our arrangement of me watching him once or twice a month and hanging out with him with my brother and our parents.

That being said, I would not hesitate to watch him during an emergency. But that is a totally different story.

However, his brother wasn’t understanding at all of his point of view.

I explained all of this to him. He wasn’t happy. He went off on me about how he thought me being back would mean he could rely on me for this — I have said before, I am not an on-call babysitter — and that his wife would really like to go on this trip.

So he firmly refused once again.

I said I’m sorry, but I’m not doing this. I said I would be happy to come help on the weekend while he’s gone and hang out with Connor to give her a break, but I’m not going to risk my own mental health for 10 days and use 8 days of PTO for a non-emergency.

He had a few choice words for me and hung up.

Now the entire family is involved.

He got my parents involved in the family group chat, and they surprisingly were on my side. They said it would be a really nice gesture if I did it, but reminded him that I’ve never watched Connor overnight and his wife doesn’t have to go on this trip.

He hasn’t really talked to me since.

I feel bad for his wife not being able to go, but I also don’t trust myself to be able to handle Connor for 10 days.

AITA?

Boundaries are boundaries, even with family.

What did Reddit have to say?

Perhaps caring for kids like Connor could be better left to professionals.

His brother needs to decide how he’s going to move forward with this.

Everyone is entitled to their boundaries.

Not every gap in the schedule is yours to fill.

Knowing your limits isn’t selfish, it’s just self-aware.

If you thought that was an interesting story, check out what happened when a family gave their in-laws a free place to stay in exchange for babysitting, but things changed when they don’t hold up their end of the bargain.