It’s no secret that aspects of the way you life your life as an adult – the way you deal with stress, the way you organize your life, the way you relate to others – is directly grounded in your childhood. Because your upbringing isn’t just your introduction to the world, it’s fundamental to the way you see it, as well as the way that you see yourself.

Case in point: if you are raised by loving parents who accept you are flawed, help you learn from your mistakes and show you that, no matter your grades or your achievements, you are valuable and important, you are much more likely to accept those things in yourself. Because it’s the role of a parent to pick their kid up when they fall down, teaching them that it’s okay to stumble, and it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to not be your best self all the time.

Conversely, if you grow up with people who belittle or make light of your mistakes, celebrate your achievements but suggest that you’re not good enough when you fail, you are likely to struggle when it comes to challenges in your adult life. In fact, you are much more likely to turn on yourself and others too. It’s not fair, and it’s your fault – but there is plenty that you can do about it to help yourself going forward.

Unfortunately for the young woman in this story, that healing work is likely to be a part of her future. Because despite the fact that she’s brilliant – a high-achiever with offers from top universities – it never seems like she’s good enough for her family. And it’s really starting to get to her.

Read on to find out what’s going on here.

Am I overreacting by feeling unwanted by my family?

I am eighteen and female. I am in full time education studying for my A Levels, with good grades and offers from good universities (Durham, Edinburgh) and am waiting to hear about the outcome of my Oxford interview.

I have a part time job, and also do running as a sport.

My brother (20, male) is in and out of work in a construction site because he failed his GCSEs and dropped out of sixth form.

However, I notice a lot that my father tends to favouritize my brother.

Let’s see how this favoritism is taking place.

For example, my brother was noisily making food at 11:30pm last night and I asked him to keep it down and he refused. So I asked my dad for support and my dad sided with him and started rudely telling me to “Shh” and to “Go to bed”.

He also allows my brother to get away with making nasty comments about me, and when I retaliate I am all of a sudden the bad guy.

My mum is no good either, she takes the “passive” approach (which isn’t even true, she claims to be “uninvolved” yet always takes my father’s side).

He always spends time with my brother and never cares to spend time with me.

But this isn’t the extent of the problems in her family.

My mum does yoga in her own designated yoga room which is adjacent to mine. She has it EXTREMELY loud and refuses to close the door. So when I had a friend over for a sleepover recently, she has woke both of us up at 8am with it.

I politely knocked and asked if she would be willing to slightly turn the volume down.

She refused, so I went downstairs to expressed my frustration to my dad, as this is a very frequently occurring thing and it often disturbs my revision.

When my mum finished yoga and came downstairs, my parents essentially tag teamed against me and took it in turns to shout at me and tell me how I was in the wrong and I was being selfish.

So she’s decided to make some changes to her life as a result.

Since then, for the past few days I have barely left my room and have barely eaten (not because of them, because of my own issues) and they haven’t even said anything to me aside from asking if they could eat some of my food.

I don’t expect them to drop everything to check on me, of course not! But it would be nice to know they at least care a tiny bit (which they don’t).

Incidents like these are very common, and when the situation gets heated I force myself to revert to a neutral tone and I ask them to explain how my actions have upset them.

Let’s see how they respond to her questions.

They refuse to explain, something along the lines of “you should already know!!”

I explain that I don’t know and that I’d appreciate them explaining it to me so that I can change and adapt in the future, but they still refuse.

They haven’t spent time with me in about a year.

I really don’t think they like me. They’re only interested when they think I’ve achieved something that they can brag about to their friends.

It’s really, really sad that this young woman’s parents are so neglectful of her and her needs.

To refuse to listen to her, refuse to explain how she’s upset them and instead berate her? Only being interested when she’s achieving?

That’s not simply not liking her – that’s a pattern of emotional abuse that she’s being subjected to.

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a young woman who didn’t expect closing her door to study to lead to a sibling blowout.

Let’s see what folks on Reddit made of this.

This person urged her to get away as soon as possible.

While others, who’d had similar upbringings, offered solidarity.

Meanwhile, this Redditor thought there might be more to the situation.

Regardless of their reasons, the fact that this smart young woman is being made to feel like her parents don’t care about her – and don’t even like her – is abhorrent. It’s clear that she is working hard to regulate her emotions, working hard to behave like an adult, while they aren’t caring to do anything of the sort.

In supporting her brother and ganging up against her, they are slowly chipping away at her psyche. In not caring to spend any time with her or show any interest in anything but her good grades, they are suggesting to her that she is only worth her achievements, and that she’s not valuable as she is. In berating her when she is upset or inconvenienced, they are showing her that she doesn’t have any right to her feelings or opinions and that theirs are the most important ones.

In short, they are being emotionally abusive. They may not realize it, and they may not be intending it, but they are steadily affecting their daughter’s mental health and self-worth, whilst also showing themselves up as the selfish, uncaring people they are. Because despite what they may tell her, she is not the selfish one in the family – in fact, it seems like she is anything but.

Her parents on the other hand? They are completely unacceptable.