If you have an elderly neighbor, it is kind to help them out with things when you can, but sometimes that can become overwhelming.

What would you do if your neighbor likely had dementia and would take up a lot of your time with every interaction, and even get upset when you didn’t do things perfectly for her?

That is the situation that the neighbor in this story is in, so he wants to cut her off and distance himself, but he is worried about her wellbeing.

WIBTAH for cutting off my neighbor

There’s a 93-year-old lady next door in my apartment building.

This is always sad.

I suspect she has some form of dementia based on her monologuing at me and repeating stories over and over again, and her hostility if anything isn’t precisely how she expects it, although she seems to know who and where she is and there’s no official diagnosis.

She says she hasn’t seen a doctor in 8 years.

She can walk with a cane but not well enough to leave the building on her own.

That is unfortunate.

A couple of months ago she made a woman mad who had been delivering her groceries badly enough that the woman refuses to do so anymore.

The neighbor can be quite rude, and even the simplest interaction with her will take a half an hour because of the monologuing and repeating and because the neighbor will not listen to anything somebody else says until she’s finished, so I think it was a long-term buildup rather than any specific incident.

That is very generous.

Not wanting her to starve, I’ve been shopping for the neighbor for a couple months, and I’ve also started paying because it makes it easier to justify dropping off the groceries and literally running away so I can get out.

I’ve also been trying to get her help from agencies that are actually equipped to provide it–one through the city, and one through a church that she explicitly said she wanted to get help from.

Some people make it difficult to help them.

She’s refused to accept either of them. She has said she wants help and has frequently detailed her medical problems, but when she has the option to get help she doesn’t accept.

I have reached out to Adult Protective Services for an evaluation, but that has not yet happened.

No big deal, it happens.

I’m reaching my wits end. The last two times I’ve delivered food for her, there was something the store didn’t have so I couldn’t bring it.

The first time she left a note under my door wondering where it was, and the second time she left a note accusing me of eating it.

He has no obligation to this woman.

I’ve stopped answering my door when she knocks because it’s so time consuming and stressful. When I did answer, one time she monologued at me about how many calories there are in a honey bun for a half an hour, and after she left, she came back to do it again–four times that day.

WIBTAH if I tell her I’m not shopping for her anymore and not to knock on my door or leave notes for me?

She does need help from someone, but it doesn’t have to be from this guy.

I don’t think she’s truly capable of evaluating her actual options rationally, but at the same time I don’t think I can continue being her caretaker and financial support and taking abuse for it.

I don’t know what other options there are if she doesn’t have the wherewithal to recognize that she needs to accept one of the legitimate senior care options; given her neglect of her health and her apartment, I could foresee her not doing anything and quite literally starving to death.

This is a sad situation, but he can’t keep doing it forever. Maybe he can get in touch with family or another agency that can help.

Let’s see what the people in the comments recommend in this situation.

It is an almost impossible situation for him.

This is the best advice.

It really is a sad situation.

The police can help get her the care she needs.

She needs more support than he can provide.

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a daughter who invited herself to her parents’ 40th anniversary vacation for all the wrong reasons.