August 13, 2023 at 2:37 am

‘I know I’m getting older, my last birthday cake looked like a prairie fire!’ People Share Quotes From Comedians That They’ve Never Forgotten

by Justin Gardner

Comedian Quotes Never Forget AT I know Im getting older, my last birthday cake looked like a prairie fire! People Share Quotes From Comedians That They’ve Never Forgotten

I love stand-up comedy.

I could never, ever get up in front of a crowd of people and try to make them laugh, so all I can say is that I have the utmost respect for those folks.

And some comedians are so good that their words stick in your mind forever.

AskReddit users shared the quotes from funny folks that they never forgot.


“”I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.”

Mitch Hedberg.”

He is missed.

“Coc**ne is god’s way of saying you make too much money…”

Robin Williams.”

Not adventurous.

““I’m not an adventurous person. I’ve only ever used 1 side of a cheese grater.”

James Acaster.”

Sound familiar?

“I’m impulsive, but I’m also quite indecisive.

I don’t know what I want, but I know that I want it now.”

– Dylan Moran.”


““Rice is great if you want 2000 of something.”

I think of this line every time I eat rice and have to clean up the seemingly never ending pieces on the floor from kids.”

You’re selfish!

“When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy so they start a waiting list, they say, “Dufrene, party of two, table ready for Dufrene, party of two.” And if no one answers they’ll say the name again: “Dufrene, party of two.” But then if no one answers, they’ll move on to the next name.

“Bush, party of three.” Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry.”

A legend.

“”Everybody thinks they’re a comedian. Especially in my line of work.” — Norm Macdonald

This came from his memoir “Based on a True Story”, a must-read for Norm fans.

My favorite thing about this line is that it was a sort of random throwaway, almost an afterthought, as he was expressing disdain for a doctor who told a joke and got a big laugh from everyone else in the room.”

Too many kids.

“”What is it like to have four kids? Imagine you are drowning, and then someone hands you a baby.”

Jim Gaffigan”

Not a great cook.

““I’ve started cooking with wine. That sounds so fancy, cooking with wine. What I do is I get dr**k and I make rice. I tell my friends ‘come over, I’m cooking with wine.’ They come over, I’m dr**k, and there’s rice everywhere”

-Kevin Nealon”

The master.

“Take Idaho’s license plates – they say ‘Famous Potatoes.’ Then there’s New Hampshire – their license plates say ‘Live Free … or D**!!’

I don’t know, I think that somewhere between ‘Famous Potatoes’ and ‘Live Free or Die’ the truth lies. And I think it’s closer to ‘Famous Potatoes.'”

-George Carlin”


“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’.”

-Bob Newhart

Right on.

“You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.”

– Spike Milligan


“”My brother in law is German. He came to me and said ‘I can’t get a good bagel at home!’ and I said, ‘well whose fault is that?'”

– Emo Philips”

Not into it.

“Camping is such a terrible idea. Go out, sleep in the woods in a tent. I pay my taxes so that doesn’t happen!”

One of the greats.

“”I know I’m getting older, my last birthday cake looked like a prairie fire!”

– Rodney Dangerfield”

Hey o!

“I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.”

I’m seriously laughing.

Ahhhh, I needed that!