Teaching kids how to interact with other people, especially adults, can be hard because you need to ensure they are respectful but also able to set important boundaries.

When this mom asked her future mother-in-law to avoid making her child feel bad for not giving hugs, the MIL got upset that she said it in text and said some hurtful things.

The mom in this story isn’t sure if she handled the situation well, but still wants to make sure that she protects her little ones.

Let’s read the full story.

AITA for asking Future MIL not to tell my toddler they make her sad?

My (28F) oldest son is 3yo My fiancé’s (32M) Mom came over few weeks ago & when leaving, asked my 3yo for a hug.

He initially said “no” & walked away.

Came back unprompted & hugged her.

She said “oh good because I was going to be sad”.

After the fact, I sent her this:

This seems like a reasonable request.

Me: “We’re teaching 3yo that he’s in control of his own body & self-defined boundaries regardless of how it makes someone feel. If he’s trying to make someone upset on purpose, that’s a different story. We don’t want him to go against his boundaries to make someone feel better. I’m sure you just want to show he’s important to you but we’d appreciate it if you could show it in a different way.”

FMIL: “OP, I’d appreciate you not sending me these kinds of messages and we have these conversations in person. Thank you”

Me: “I don’t really see a difference to be honest. I would’ve said the same things in person. I didn’t see this topic as one that needs to be discussed too much. If you have a response I’m obviously open to hearing it, but it won’t change the fact that saying things that could make my kids feel guilty & responsible for other’s feelings will not be accepted. Again, you can show that you care for the boys but not in ways that make them feel bad.”

She seems very old fashioned on this point.

FMIL: “Bc having adult conversation via text I believe are pretty cowardess. When you address me or any other adult, via text, it’s not really appropriate, so I will end this conversation with if you can’t talk things over with me instead of telling me what “not” to do then that in itself is a problem. So I’m done.”

Me: “Again, I would say the same words to you in person, nothing cowardess about the method I choose to say these words. The reason I didn’t see it made sense to do it in person is because I’m essentially asking you a favor & it’s your choice to acknowledge it or not. I wasn’t looking for a debate about it, just asking that you please not make certain comments to my babies.”

I’m alright if she’d prefer me to discuss something like this in person, but why ignore my initial message?

Seems like blame-shifting/diverting to me.

She wasn’t done.

She then went to my fiancé & texted him “so by now I’m sure “OP” told you she was messaging me, if you guys have something you need to say to me just say it”.

They had a 30min phone call & my fiancé told me she said:

• She’s already distanced herself from coming over & she’ll distance herself more if she has to.
• It’s not something she was doing intentionally (I never said it was intentional, just bringing her attention to this and potential repercussions).

Having things in text can make it easier to stay on point.

Chose to message her because I’m HORRIBLE at having deep/stressful convos in person (I have ADHD so can’t process what I want to say & what other person is said & formulate responses, etc) also this is a boundary so not really up for discussion or debate.

Either she chooses to stop or doesn’t.

Was I wrong for asking this or how I brought it up?

AITA?

I think texting is a very standard way to say things now days, maybe FMIL is a little old fashioned? Also, what she is asking seems very reasonable.

Read on to see what the people in the comments think about this situation.

Here is someone who says it was a very reasonable request.

This commenter recommends having conversations in person in the future.

This person thinks dad is going to cause his son to be selfish.

Here is someone who says kids need to learn how their actions affect others too.

This person points out that he wouldn’t respect MIL’s boundary of having conversations over text.

It sounds like everyone in this situation is being too sensitive.

If you thought that was an interesting story, check out what happened when a family gave their in-laws a free place to stay in exchange for babysitting, but things changed when they don’t hold up their end of the bargain.