Getting married is an exciting time, and it’s understandable that you would want all of your nearest and dearest involved.

From childhood friends as celebrants and grandmothers as flower girls, happy couples are always coming up with novel ways to include those important to them in their special day.

But sometimes, nothing beats the traditional best man and bridesmaids.

However, the role of the wedding party is ever-evolving too, and as the bride in this story makes quite clear, happy couples often bestow extra responsibility on their bridesmaids and groomsmen without considering the impacts on their lives.

Read on to find out how these expectations ruined a friendship.

AITA for removing my bridesmaid from the wedding party for being largely absent despite her claiming she’s “doing the best she can”?

I am a 30-year-old woman, and I have had a two year long engagement.

I asked one of my closest friends (let’s call her Julie) to be a bridesmaid shortly after getting engaged. She agreed enthusiastically.

For context, Julie has two kids, is a single mom, and isn’t well off financially. I was aware of this when I asked her.

But over the last two years, she hasn’t tried to meet us halfway on anything.

Let’s see why this bride is feeling like Julie has let her down.

She attended one bridal dress appointment, but then bailed on the girls’ lunch we all had planned after. She didn’t attend any other dress appointments and will not attend the bachelorette – not even partially.

She barely attended the engagement party (also didn’t even ask about planning it, if she could help at all, or ask to be involved). She arrived early and left fifteen minutes later, before anyone else got there.

Her participation in group chats (about planning, events, etc.) is minimal. She so rarely chimes in and even ignores direct questions to her (read receipts are on, so we know she’s read them)

She hasn’t once personally reached out to me to ask how planning is going, or offered any support whatsoever.

And the bride feels like she’s done her best to be accommodating.

I’ve been giving four months to two years notice for events and appointments, and obviously for the actual wedding day too, which I thought would be helpful for her when planning childcare.

I repeatedly offered flexibility with her in ways like changing dates so they’re convenient for her, offering to spot her for costs or outright paying for them totally.

But every single time we try to plan something, her response is essentially “thanks, but no thanks”.

I’m hurt that she is declining these important moments before even trying to make them work.

Let’s see what happened when Julie was confronted about this.

I’m not going to pretend I know what its like to be a single mother. However I do know her very well (friends for over 25 years) and I know she has options for childcare that she’s used before (her mom, brother, friend, boyfriend, etc), so its adding to my frustration that she won’t try to make arrangements with them while still insisting that she’s doing the best she can.

After my maid of honor confronted her about this lack of presence, Julie messaged me reiterating that she’s doing the best she can and that I need to be understanding of her personal situation.

I responded that the reality is that she hasn’t been present or involved in any meaningful way, and that if I had known from the start when I asked her to be a bridesmaid that her level of involvement would be next to nothing, I wouldn’t have asked her.

I explained that I thought it would be best for her to attend as a guest (since that is the only day she’s been able to carve out some time for).

Uh-oh. Read on to find out how Julie reacted to her demotion.

Her response was to repeatedly say that I’m “judging” her, that I “need to be understanding” (ironic), and that “a best friend would understand and respect her situation”.

She thinks that me understanding her limitations and personal situation also means excusing her shortcomings and allowing myself to be consistently let down.

I have stopped engaging, but am I wrong for removing her from the wedding party?

AITA?

It sounds like Julie is in a really tough situation – but understandably, the bride wants her bridesmaids involved in pre-wedding activities too, so it’s no wonder she’s feeling let down.

But the truth is, she didn’t approach this well. She’s giving Julie plenty of notice and even offering to change dates which is really accommodating, but she should have spoken to Julie personally rather than just assume that she can keep piling on the pressure.

Having this discussion at Julie’s home perhaps, over a drink, might’ve been much more conducive to their friendship than having the maid of honor confront her and then demoting her by text.

Let’s see what folks on Reddit made of this.

This person thought the woman was asking too much of her friend.

While others thought she should have been more understanding of Julie’s situation.

Meanwhile, this Redditor explained what a bridesmaid is (and isn’t) for.

Perhaps Julie felt like the expectations of being a bridesmaid were too much – but this bride wouldn’t know that, since she didn’t actually ask her. Instead she demoted her, without even having a discussion about expectations.

Julie likely accepted because she wanted to support her long-term friend on her wedding day, but never expected to have to be involved in so many events in the run-up to the wedding.

Offering her a pass for the events would have been nice. But demoting her without even a discussion?

That’s a bit harsh.

If you liked that story, read this one about grandparents who set up a college fund for their grandkid because his parents won’t, but then his parents want to use the money to cover sibling’s medical expenses.