Equal responsibility in a family caregiving situation tends to work best when everyone actually shares the responsibility.

So when a man who spent seven years as his mother’s primary caregiver relocated and his nearby retired sister took over a once-a-week visit schedule, she then declared that hospital care should be split equally among the remaining siblings.

He disagreed, and he had seven years of reasons why.

Keep reading for the full story.

Siblings with an elderly parent

After my dad died, I offered to have my mom move in with my wife and our daughter because my sisters and brother didn’t offer any options and mom couldn’t afford to stay in the house they were renting.

Mom kept to herself for the most part, not helping us with anything, so it fell on me and my wife to look after her along with our ADHD daughter.

It was rough on my wife, but she has a strong sense of responsibility to family.

Living with his mom, however, wasn’t easy by any means.

Mom was hard of hearing, so she sat at the dining room table a lot — blaring videos on her phone and passing gas loudly — as she waited for her food to be brought to her and her dishes cleared away.

She was home all day but only wanted to watch the one TV from 8 to 10PM, even when we DVR’d all her shows.

This quickly got in the way of the couple’s “me time”.

This was the only time my wife and I could watch, because that’s when our daughter was asleep — and we both worked, not getting home until 6PM.

It wasn’t easy, but we made it work for 7 years.

So when the possibility of remote work entered the picture, the couple was itching to move.

After the pandemic, and after my wife’s dad passed away, we realized we could move 10 hours north to be near my wife’s mom and help her, while working remotely.

We offered to bring mom, but were relieved when she wanted to move into independent living instead — a 20-minute drive from Sister B.

Now it’s 2½ years since we moved.

Some of their previous responsibilities have now fallen to other siblings.

Sister B visits her once a week and helps with shopping and errands. Sister B does have lupus, but has it controlled, and was working full time as a university professor until she retired a few months ago.

Mom is 88 and had to go to the hospital for a week.

One sibling did her part helping out, but then she announced she was done with it.

Sister B went over each day from 9 to 5 — reading her books, visiting, and helping with some personal care like the bathroom and bathing.

She then announced to me and Sister A that next time it’s our turn to look after mom for a week in the hospital. (My brother passed away a few years ago.)

Sister A and I discussed it and think that is ridiculous.

This man already feels like he’s more than contributed his fair share while his other sibling has traditionally slacked off.

I feel that I spent 7 years looking after mom 24/7. Sister B visited once a week for 2½ years.

I have a stressful job, a wife working 9½ hours a day, and a 12-year-old daughter with ADHD who needs support.

There’s also the financial aspect.

For me to visit mom for a week, it would cost about $2,500, put stress on my daughter and wife, and require a week of vacation from work.

Sister B is retired, has no kids, has a husband, and a dog. She lives 20 minutes away.

She helped her husband’s mom tremendously when his mom passed 15 years ago, and they inherited a significant amount of money. That’s likely how they just purchased a mountain vacation home 3 hours west of there.

He further pleads his case.

Sister A lives about 2,000 miles west and manages 3 tax offices. It would cost her around $3,500 and time off work to come help.

It’s especially expensive to visit because Sister B hasn’t been able to make it work for us to stay at her house — despite having a spare bedroom — so we’ve had to get hotels and Airbnbs the last few times we visited mom.

So I ask — AITA for expecting Sister B to step up and handle the majority of the boots-on-the-ground burden?

The caretaking responsibilities don’t sound equal at all.

What did Reddit have to say?

Perhaps it’s time to leave the brunt of the care to the professionals.

Drama like this is sure to weigh heavily on a marriage.

This commenter chimes in with their advice.

This sibling needs to do her fair share, whether she likes it or not.

If you enjoyed that story, read this one about a mom who was forced to bring her three kids with her to apply for government benefits, but ended up getting the job of her dreams.