Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, but it’s hard to call it that when one person makes a life-altering decision without the other.

A mother of three was blindsided when her husband suggested his disabled sister move in with them.

The ensuing argument threatened to upend the stable marriage they’d spent years building.

Keep reading for the full story.

AITA for not wanting my disabled SIL to come live with us?

My husband and I have been together for about ten years. We have three young kids and a fairly hectic life, as you can imagine.

My husband has a sister who has cerebral palsy.

This disability has played a huge role in shaping her life.

She is 38 years old, but cognitively has the development of about a five year old.

She can’t really speak clearly, but she can make some sounds for common words to say what she needs.

My husband can understand her better than I can, but I’m trying to get better.

She’s not permanently wheelchair bound, but she can’t go up stairs or walk long distances so she does have some medical equipment to help.

She needs help doing everything for her basic care, from bathing to dressing to feeding.

Her husband has grown accustomed to anticipating her needs, but she can still be a handful sometimes.

He obviously grew up with her so he’s very used to everything she needs.

When we go to visit my in laws, it always seems to me like their entire livelihood revolves around her.

She also throws big tantrums when she doesn’t get what she wants. There ends up being a lot of yelling from all sides.

I find the whole environment so stressful and tense, but it’s what they’re used to.

Lately, the family has been rethinking their daughter’s care, so her husband came to her with a troubling proposition.

My husband’s parents are getting older and I think it’s getting more difficult to care for her.

My husband approached me a few weeks ago saying he thinks it’s time his sister comes to live with us. My whole world came to a screeching halt.

Both financially and emotionally, she doesn’t understand how this would ever work.

We had talked about us helping financially and coordinating care before, but never about her actually coming to live with us.

In truth, I just can’t picture us staying afloat while adding her into the mix at our house.

In her eyes, their family already has more than enough on their plate.

We have three kids under 6. It’s a madhouse here all the time already.

If she lived here, we’d need to have all three kids in one bedroom.

We’d also need to get some serious modifications to our house because it’s not handicap friendly.

Also, I truly think this would ruin the relationships we are building with our kids.

She also worries how this would impact her husband’s role as a father.

I think my husband and I would have to spend so much time and energy caring for his sister that we wouldn’t be able to focus on our own kids.

This breaks my heart and is the big dealbreaker for me.

But when she suggested alternatives, her husband wasn’t happy.

I suggested moving his family closer to us (they currently live 5 hours away) and seeing how we can help without them living with us.

I said we need to start looking into some appropriate assisted living facilities and he flipped out on me.

Her husband feels he has a duty to care for her, but she feels differently.

He says he promised his mom he’d take care of his sister, she’s his blood, etc.

I understand it’s his sister, but I also feel he has his own new family to consider, too, that he’s completely ignoring in this equation.

Obviously this is a big screw up on both of our parts to not discuss this in detail much earlier on.

She tries to look ahead to a future with his sister there, and she doesn’t like what she sees.

I can’t picture us managing this with three kids, and it just makes me sad to think of us 30+ years down the road when we’re “empty nesters” and always having his sister there by our side.

To be honest, if I knew his sister coming to live with us forever was a total mandatory for him, it might have meant the end of our relationship.

 

What did Reddit have to say?

Her husband made a new commitment when he chose to marry and have a family with her.

It’s important to think through this decision very carefully.

Her husband just isn’t being very fair to her.

When he commits to a future for himself, he also commits to a future for his family.

Her husband is looking out for his sister, but she’s looking out for the bigger picture.

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